here i am

hi i’m alex what’s up they/it i:dayvan

[kushblazer666]

[mevil]

my beautiful wife that is scared of a closed window at night

[slitherpunk]

[wyrmicelli]

me tongue-deep in a sandalwood candle: 🤤

the tjmaxx employee loading a fourth tranquilizer dart into their blowgun: i need backup

[pjackk]

i thought you got scrapped for parts

They did i had to go aroind with only 1 arm attached to my neck and I thugged it out piece by piece. Still missing my right hand fingers and i find out whos responsible im gonna kick some ass i NEED to bust so bad and i cant

[capacity2]

I just can’t believe some of u are soooo young u didn’t experience the early 2000s at all like even briefly . U were born and ur mother door dashed you home from the hospital

[starlit-syncopation]

actually i was in the NICU for a couple weeks after being pieced together by surgeons but whatever lmao

[capacity2]

That’s because she used klarna. To pay through 4 easy installments with no interest

[marisatomay]

There are US Senators dying who have never died before

[worldofultimategaming]

The World of Ultimate Gaming

[evild3ad]

[xxx-m34l-pr3pp3r-xxx]

[bumblebeebats]

so i hauve covid rn and i must say, American cold medicine is the absolute bees knees. You go to a UK pharmacy and they tenderly press like eight (8) paracetamol into the palm of your hand... God FORBID you're sick in France, i had to scour every pharmacy in Paris for something that wasn't HOMEOPATHIC PASTILLES. meanwhile last night i took the last of my stash of Nyquil that expired in 2019 and it was like getting hit by a fucking baseball bat (affectionate). press X to timeskip. LOVE me a cheeky little medically induced coma. you can really feel that it's a precursor to meth. i know that everything is fucking awful over there my friedns and my heart goes out to every one of you but if you need one small bright light of national pride in this time of strife please know that i envy you your cold medicine every day

[slowspinningredemption]

i once took an american antihistamine pill just a basic one for seasonal allergies and i had to immediately lay down and while doing so i vividly hallucinated that i was a steerage passenger on the titanic resigned to my death as my cabin filled up rapidly with water. then i blacked out and when i woke up again my allergies were gone for the entire season.

[acakewalkofcrocodiles]

The Hat Man is our greatest export

[dogshitdotnet]

fucker talk with me

[oneheadtoanother]

[illusoryfem]

[bunkey]

You know Jimmy, listening at a high volume for a long time may damage your hearing. However, you can tap OK to allow the volume to be increased above safe levels.

[bandcomments]

[adonischildsupportcase]

[national-rail]

me: do you think this train touches the overhead wires normally or do you think she gets freaky with it

train conductor who i've been distracting from my lack of ticket for 35 minutes now: y'know i think she gets freaky with it