honestly there’s been something really wrong with me for like, the past week especially, though it’s definitely been sort of building over the past month or so
and it’s like, on a conceptual level. on the level i’ve trained myself to and the way i know i should, i love my friends. i know they do a lot for me, it is a mutually productive relationship and i want to do my best to be there and support them because i know they’ve done the same for me.
but i get in these sort of...shifts, or phases, where just every fucking message i get is just. like, it’s borderline painful. every word pisses me off, it makes me depressed and i feel so bad. i just do not have any empathy to spare.
i’ve kind of curbed it by just not responding, i’m a lot better in group chats because other people are there to pick up where i leave off and there’s not so much pressure on me to be the sole provider of empathy and support in a dialogue. but private messages aren’t like that and so they’re taking the worst cuts from me.
and i’m just getting these urges to unplug and leave groups and cut projects off just to sort of...make the pain stop, i guess?
i feel so bad. but like, i’m so fucking tired. i’ll have these bouts for like, hours at a time, and then i’ll at least be in a better mood but not good enough to talk, and it just goes on and on and off and on.
i think it’s the schizoid personality disorder because i have been through this exact thing so many times before. maybe i’m just hormonal, i can hope! but also, like, this is a piece of a cycle that has plagued me throughout my life for so many fucking years, and i’ve stuck it out for so long this time! i pushed the six month period forward! but it’s getting painful and frustrating again and i’m just getting such a heavy yearning to start setting so many bridges on fire.
it’s sometimes specific people, but also it can be anyone that sets it off. if you happen to read this and worry it’s about you? don’t. it’s not about you. don’t waste my diminishing empathy reserves by asking me to reassure you, please be mature and take responsibility for yourself.
