Rantings and Ramblings of the Clinically Insane

An account of a disorganised life that cannot possibly exist anywhere but a disorganised mind. Any relation to real events may or may not be intentional. Btw I am Nalziflintstone. Just different forums: http://nalziflintstone.tumblr.com/

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

I wish everything would stop changing so fast so that I can catch up.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Module requirements

My university has a transformation module called Doctor as a Change Agent in Communities. It's a combination of various disciplines but the aim of the module is personal evaluation and growth. I've been going through the module outcomes and I feel like I'm missing the point of these sessions. They're showing me what's out there but I don't feel as though I'm developing skills to optimally evaluate my performance. It doesn't make sense to me yet.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

1 am

It's just after midnight hours and I'm up working. Why? Because I didn't use my time effectively this weekend. Even though I had over enough time really. Anyway. I'm typing this because I've put my phone off so I can't check it. All my friends are sleeping like normal people who go to college (debatable). Point being I'm trying to comfort myself that somewhere out on the internet it's not 1am and people are up and working. And I'm not alone. I have peanut buttered toast. And coffee. And Nigel Kennedy. My iPod broke. It's really comforting knowing the Tumblrverse cares. Though I doubt anyone reads most of this.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Life

Life is changing. And as usual I'm averse to change. I'm comfortable as i am. Which is probably bad for me. Adjusting is difficult. Im probably about as vulnerable as reptiles feel without their skin whenever they shed. Something to remember is that it's only the skin. The external appearance. It's a sign of growth and health. Maybe I'm not meant to stay small. Being big isn't easy. It's more dangerous. You're noticed. You can mess up if you're noticed. Get eaten. But you don't get trodden on...

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Paeds surgery and failing Anaesthetics

I started rotating through paediatric surgery this week. Somehow it seems like a rather hostile environment. It's almost as though they expect you to know things but don't tell you to do them. Then get upset when it's not done. I'm dealing with loss and grieving. I didn't get exam entry for anesthetics. I missed it by one percentage point. It's likely the rest of my post will be dedicated to how I feel about my failure right now. I found out I didn't make it three weeks ago. There are no multiple chapters about it. I can't tell myself it was a fluke. I didn't pass. And I'm finding that hard to deal with. For the last few weeks I've been in denial about what lies ahead. I've been thinking maybe I could somehow change it but I know it's not going to happen. At best I will write the January second opportunity. But I have to qualify for that by passing everything else. Now that I've failed ,y confidence in my ability to pass has dwindled a bit. I no longer believe as I did before that failure is unlikely. I don't feel like I have a fairy god mother. I feel rather sorry for myself. And as much as I know I'm capable of making it through fourth year I'm now scared to hope that I'll make it and simultaneously scared I'll fail. I don't think any psychological mumbo jumbo is going to help this situation. Cos talking can't reverse what is. I think I just need a while to accept and process. I've been in denial fora while. It's now sinking in. The stages of grief are the same no matter what you're grieving. I just want to wallow in self pity at the moment but I can't because I have theory and clinical rotations to pass so that I qualify for that January exam. The parachute test. To save you if you fall. Theoretically I have hope. But I'm really scared I won't make it. They say one step at a time though. The first step is getting exam entry for my final theory subject and passing my clinical rotations. I also have to study to be able to pass my exams in everything else. Which I'm worried about at best and terrified about at worst. I needn't think further than that now. I can do it. I know I can. There's no reason this exam sitting should be any harder or more difficult than usual. I just need to pass. No fancy no nothing. Just pass everything. I'm scared to even think about my future at this point.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Rotating through surgery is restoring my enjoyment of medicine

I’m currently rotating through surgical oncology. It’s an incredible experience and after being jaded for so long. The consultants are passionate about their subject and about teaching. All work is available, clear and organised. I’m happy. For the first time in a long time. I’m happy on my own. I have something that’s mine. I’ve been studying and I know more than I usually know. And the positive effects are so bountiful.

I'm feeling so happy and positive about medicine and the rest of my life. I feel as though this two week holiday has been really good for me. There's nothing less motivating than being burnt out. Two weeks can do the world for personal reconciliation.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Anyone got any ideas about why my pupils are suddenly two completely different sizes as of an hour ago?

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Back at work

I'm back in hospital. Working in surgery. On head, neck and breast surgery. I honestly don't know if anywhere other than Tygerberg Hospital has a head, neck and breast unit. It's mostly oncological surgery. The most common cancers in our region being breast and thyroid related. Obviously lung and prostate as well but those are dealt with by thoracic surgery and urology. I'm actually quite enjoying it despite the fact there is some tension within the group. I cannot fathom why one would not show up for rounds. I also can't imagine why you would show up and not pay attention. It makes me angry that the retardation of a few students translates to the whole group looking bad. And they don't even seem to notice. They just stay away. I wish they would stay away permanently and not create extra work for the rest of us by not knowing what they're doing and forcing us to fix it before the consultants notice. That's the sucky thing about group work. You don't always get to choose your group.

[nalziflintstone]

Made this awesome peanut butter cake cos I’m obsessed with peanut butter. And it was SO GOOD.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

I hate not having titles but lately I can't think of any.

The silliest things are getting me very riled up. My mother and I had a tiff (simplest way of putting it). I realised my inability to deal with stressful situations and her unhelpful attitude put us at odds very often. In my opinion she acts like a child throwing a tantrum way too often. She does things like put the phone down on me or walking out/driving away while she's being spoken to. Things I don't do. What I have noticed myself prone to is not taking responsibility. I have this skewed sense of responsibility. Especially with her and my father (maybe it's a normal parent child relationship - though in this instance it's probably a bit exacerbated) where they accuse me of things I'm not doing so often that even when I have done something or been irresponsible I don't feel comfortable admitting it to them because I feel as though they will just hold it against me for the rest of eternity - exaggeration - but at least for a good few arguments, and in the case of some big disappointment years. (I'm sure it's evident from the bitterness in this paragraph that I am in this instance equally unforgiving.) I don't hate them they're just not very good at practicing Emotional Maturity. And despite having learnt a few things on the topic myself , when it comes to them I AM sometimes a little unreasonable. And by this I mean not admitting the possibility that I may have her credit card and she didn't lose it. In other instances they're completely insane, for instance when my dad accused me of not wanting to get up and brush my teeth at 6:39 on a Saturday because I wanted to spite him. I don't think there's anyone who thinks that's a logical conclusion. Especially because it was completely out of context. I was actually getting up to work on his admin at that time. I just sat on my bed too long before going brush aforementioned teeth. And in case you think this is a silly argument he was incredibly angry. And shouting. I'm tired. I need to start earning money.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Youtube vlogs and procrastination

I've been checking out a lot of YouTube vlogs lately and I can honestly say that I've truly been enjoying them and they're making a really emotional time a lot less stressful. Or at least I'm not feeling as heavy hearted as I have been lately. Tomorrow is D-day in that both my dad's secretaries are away (one quit and the other is on leave) so as part of the family business my mother, my sister and I will take over those admin duties and keep things running in the mean time. I have been having a bit of a rough time lately. Just taking strain at school, growing up and trying to be a little more independent.i think everything will stabilize but in the mean time I'm probably going to see a psychologist again. It can't hurt. And it was a great help when I went in the past. Crutch as it might be.

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

Strange dreams

Last night I had the weirdest dream that I got kidnapped by a patient of mine. This patient was an hiv positive male. He captured me in the courtyard of the hospital (no hospital I know of has this school-type bare brick courtyard). He used my fear of snakes. Many of which I recognized as vipers - and my dream-self was really impressed to realise I knew this. This man then took me to an abandoned oil rig. And everyday he would inject me with some of his own blood with the hope of my contracting the virus (I never did contract the virus which in reality is so improbable). Eventually he brought other people to the oil rig. One of whom was a pregnant woman who took the form of Emily Deschanel. And she took pity on me and instead of injecting me everyday she only pretended to, thus saving my life. She also created a distraction so I could send an email (there was wifi on this isolated sea-surrounded oil rig) with my laptop (which one always will have access to in captivity). And that was where the dream ended. But I felt this sense of triumph because I was sure that after this period of capture (about 4 months) I would now be rescued because of the information conveyed in the email. Even though in the dream I emailed my parents and in reality they don't have a joint email account, nor do either of them check their email regularly. So I would probably have been stranded at least another two months. No reason was given for this capture either but I got the feeling I had somehow treated him poorly as my patient. Just goes to show. Treat everyone well or they will capture you with snakes and take you to an abandoned oil rig where you will probably contract him and be at the mercy of Emily Deschanel until you send an impossible message and probably don't get rescued. Reminds me of all those crazy impossibilities in Inception.

[foxandfloral]

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

So I've completed my 6 months of medical training and have a lengthy two weeks respite. And naturally everyone is going crazy. And being silly. My dad's off his rocker again. In a panic. I have this lovely anxious disposition that means that naturally all of this is unsettling to me. But I've got SOME time off and I plan to use it somewhat as best as possible. I considered two weeks of hibernation instead of socializing but really my family is being so argumentative that it's probably better to be out of the house in whatever capacity that might entail. I do have friends who are desirous of my company though so I can probably do some of that. My one friend wants to shoot a short film which sounds exciting. My dad's secretary quit which is fantastic because now if I admit to being on holiday it will be taken as an offer to fill her space. I resent that.

[nalziflintstone]

Can anyone help me. Trying to find a way to download hopefully some South African electronic music but not necessarily. The type of thing played at the Cape Town music festivals. The electronic stuff. Like Grimehouse. But for free (sorry I know it’s shitty but I’ll resort to downloading legally when I have actual money and am not a poor student).

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

It appears all my more recent ramblings have disappeared

Probably because I posted while not connected to the Internet. Though I did (falsely) assume they would be stored for future in drafts. I can't find "drafts" on this new version of tumblr for iPad. Any help?

[diariesoftheclinicallyinsane]

I'm probably just having period dysphoria. I don't feel like I can handle my life right now. I know I'll probably be fine in a month. I've considered various mood and personality anomalies but I don't think that's what I'm struggling with. People belittle my problems and say I chose this life when I chose medicine. I did choose medicine. I didn't realise it came with this life though. I spend my free time recovering and not studying. And the rest is spent in class trying to take in what I can. Your friends get tired of your drama and your constant unavailability. I'm not always unavailable. I am always tired. It does take effort to hang out. I'm sad. I know it will pass. My parents aren't helping. They're just being unreasonable and expecting me to help out using the guilt of financial burden as a noose. Yes I'm dramatic. This mood will pass. So will this stage of life. Just got to make it to June. Then to October. Then to Jan. Then to June. Then to the end of my student internship. Then past finals. Then through internship. Then through community service. And then when I'm 29 and have succeeded in isolating myself and remaining in the same stage of life for over a decade I may finally graduate into adulthood.