Ramblings From An Asshole @dietfayhoe-blog - Tumblr Blog

Hi, yes, I have just eaten an entire cheesecake. No, I'm okay. I swear. I'm totally fine. 100% fine. Not about to throw up at all. Just peachy. Everything is glitter and rainbows. PLEASE FUCKING HELP ME

#regret #bad life decisions #really bad #please save me #im so miserable #everything huuuuuuurts #everything #asdfghjkl

"Headbands don't belong in the washer. They shrink."

~The good advice fairy

#my poor headbands #they shrunk #agh #crying and dying #my poor babies #im so sorry #i didnt mean to #but now ur so tight #so tight #god u r squeezin my head #pls stop #pain #regret #why

Do y'all ever wish that u could be a perennial flower. Like those fuckers have it good man. They die when the fucking feel like it and pop back up when shit's good again. Like those asshats get to die without commitment and that just goals.

#i want to die #but like #commitment #its gross #fucking flowers man #they got it good

Surprise Fact

Flip-flops are not running shoes and do bad things to your ankles when you run in them.

#please help #please save me #my ankle is dead #im walkin here #for like 6 miles #until i get home #its dark #saaaaave me #pls

Me today:

*sees a fly land on my cookies*

*starts crying all the tears (of pure joy)*

"sOMeONe FiNALLy LiKes mY cOOKiES"

#when no one appreciates your baking #srsly #yall are mean #like i try #ok?#plus #creating recipes is hard #like hella #and like #a batch of cookies #every day #stop complaining #i just want love

My new coach: "Dressing rooms are the first door on the left."

Me: *opens the first door on the right, trips, falls into the storage closet*

Coach: "The LeFTttT!1!!!1!"

#true story #im an embarassment #i tried #left and right #are like #basically #the same #like srsly #yall #who can actually tell the godamn difference #but whatev #ill just #never come back #im ok #i swear

My friends at parties: *playing games, chatting, being normal people*

Me at parties: *chugs a liter of soda in the corner and cuddles a quart of ice cream*

#wheres the lie #actually tho #god save me #what is a diet #more rolls than a bakery #i have a problem #have yall noticed yet #not even human #just sugar #and regret

The best thing about no one giving a shit about you is the ability to eat an entire 2 cheesecakes and nothing else. Whenever I want. And like 3.7 pints of ice cream. My head is killing me.

#please save me #save me from myself #help #rescue me #dessert tho #all day every day #love it so much #my one true love #sugar #all the sugar #i need an advil #badly #and like a 17 yr nap #ok bai

My friends, after catching me listening to Chipette versions of Brittany Spears hits: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???

Me: I enjoy it iROniCaLLY OK

#alvin and the chipmunks #the chipettes #britney spears #how did i get here #why is this on youtube #its actually good #like weird but good #its squeaky and f-ed up but like catchy af #somehow

"911, what's your emergency?"

"I can't find my GALLON BAG OF FRozEn cHeESE"

#cheese #someone help me #cheese is love #cheese is life #just cheese #only cheese #god save the cheese #and me please #save me #from this hell

Me, drinking my 14th can of diet soda: NO CALORIES NO PROBLEMS!!!

#i wish #diet tips #really bad diet tips #diet soda is amazing tho #diet soda is god #especially vernors #and faygo #my problems arent amazing tho #crying and dying

I feel like I have so many façades, like I'm a different person with everyone that I hang out with. I'm so lost and tired, and it's so confusing, I don't know who to be when I'm alone anymore.

#feels #lonely #im so tired #does anyone else relate #just so done #with life #with everything

I don't remember the last time I felt more than a brief flash of emotion. Joy, affection, anger, sadness, anything, and everything, are nothing more than fleeting glances of expression. The only thing that stays is the numbness in my chest.

#like all the time #why am i like this #can i ignore the rest of the world #and mope alone forever

I wish a boy would leave bite marks on my thighs, but sadly, only mosquitoes do.

#single af #lonely #mosquitoes #deserve #to #die #actually the worst #no one loves me

They say you are what you eat, but all I eat is cake and I'm still bitter af.

#bitter bitch #proverbs are lies #everything is a lie #myth busters #more bitter than u #cake is actually life tho #cake #all day every day

Me, an intellectual: Organic, all natural, black tea scented hand cream

My cravings: It smells like pOtATo ChiPS

#whateven #idk #itwaslike3am #don't judge me #y'all probably are tho

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