bit sleepy, probably from waking up on the wrong side of the bed for the last few days. just inconsolably grumpy but did have class this evening which i think helped. tried to do some stop motion exercises with puzzle pieces and left a little defeated but i think i learned a lot. it was nice to do something with all this frustrating energy even if it was also frustrating. in a way, i think that made it even more appropriate. there's something about stop motion that seems to work for my brain. i know perfect is the enemy of the good, but try telling my body that. i feel like this helps me push through that need to make everything align just right.
anyway, didn't eat much today so i went to the bar after. really appreciate that one of the good bars near me has a non-alcoholic beer on tap - it's truly a game-changer. i don't really miss it anymore, but it's also not something i can't do if i want to. even nicer that i don't really want to, though. i never thought i'd feel this way about it. i can't say i'm proud of myself, as it was mostly prompted by other health issues but i'm glad i listened to my body and some part of it all worked out this way. there's still an emptiness in my life, an ache for the old days. or something like that. sometimes i tell myself it's just that my brain needs to rewire itself and that takes time. it feels like it's taking a loooooong time. but what is a year or so in the scheme of things. can you believe lenny is thirteen? sheesh, that's crazy. what a good bud.
quite a quiet little weekend, among the sidewalk hustle of the early spring. got some good news recently with work, otherwise having a lot of other strong feelings between enjoying being alone and the absolute loneliness i oscillate between.
this weekend, i bopped around and bought some things that brought me joy. joy feels, fleeting still? like i can't quite grasp onto it. working on it.
got toasty, took myself to see forbidden fruits, and then walked home by the river on a calm night. there's nothing quite like feeling this unbothered.
in the headiness, though, it seems like i can start to spin my own narratives for myself. perhaps they are also true.
like a lot of movies and spaces that center around womanhood and femme friendships, it lends itself to easily dissecting myself as distant from those experiences. i could speak to the girl power of the 90s that still rattles around in my bones like all the collected bits of your stuff at the bottom of your favorite backpack.
but i just really start thinking about when i imagined some different future for myself. how would i describe my gender? today - and many other days - it feels like being eight or nine years old and it's some day in 1998, just staring in the mirror, thinking about how i could be a cool, college kid in 10 years. and how my style now, echoes the wants and desires to leave the nest, land in school, make some jokes and grow up and i don't know, become a really good dad. it sounds so ridiculous but i guess i felt like i could always get to that. some days it feels more possible than others. & sometimes, i'm also glad i didn't get what i imagined. i feel like, in a lot of ways, things always seem to go my way. i'm trying not to overthink it. how do i know what's true? in these decades later, i still feel 10 years behind. ain't shit change.
4 march 2026 // well, i guess it's the 4th, since i'm awake.
it's not even that late. or not what used to be late for me.
just a little last wrap-up of my day before i go to bed. actually, i'll do the bookends of my weekend. this day was kind of boring, couldn't seem to pull myself away from the new fallout76 update. and by boring, i mean, i actually don't mind spending my time doing that. it's certainly an enjoyable distraction.
i don't want to go to bed. i don't want to wake up and go to work. but i want to just say as isolating as it can feel sometime, i'm more or less pleased with where i'm at with it. it's not a part of my career i want to do forever, but i understand what it is and i'm not unhappy about it. but goddang, i hate working a typical monday through fri 5-day week. i guess i've been doing it for about two years. working from home is definitely better than my hour-and-a-half commute to the clinic, though. i did read a lot more, though but i'm pretty sure i was an actual zombie for three whole months. i'm truly grateful it was only that long. i don't know exactly what caused my thyroid to want to give up, it might be when i eventually got covid or it could have been just how stressful graduating from college/long commute just to be bullied at work/car accident, etc. i'm telling myself that it's probably both and at this point, it doesn't matter anyway.
honestly, though, at least my current job is not a monday through friday, at least. tuesday is my monday and i don't hate working saturdays. sometimes when it's nice out and my neighborhood is buzzing, i get a little window envy but then i just take a stroll. i'm the senior staff on saturdays and there's just less hands around so i'm either very very busy or able to pace my day out and can ease about the house a bit more. worth it and anyway, i've pretty much had sundays and mondays off for the bulk of my working life so it helps me feel like my usual self when so many things don't. still miss that night shift, all night but 3 nights only life. but i'm chugging along, looking forward to things. saturday, i took a little jaunt to the library and ran into an old face i hadn't seen in ages. sometimes i need to remember to wear my cycling cap more. it really helps people recognize me, which helps me recognize me, i guess. i'm still thinking that through ha. got a new to me graphic novel, a switch game, and a few dvds. nice little haul.
sunday, i had a restful day of nothing. i think. watched one of the movies i borrowed. and monday, had a sweet little monday bopping around the city with a good friend. we reminded each other that we need to get out of the house more. we did a mix of errands and not-errands. dropped off some food they made for a friend, went to the salvage store, got dim dum for lunch, did a lap through reading terminal for stock bones, and popped by trader joe's. then i went over to the new queer sports bar by my house. i don't really drink anymore, which is really a treat to be able to say. it's still taking my social life a while to recalibrate; maybe my brain too. i can't say i don't miss it, but mostly i just miss my life when i was doing that more and enjoying things but it does not bring me much joy anymore so c'est la vie, out the window it goes.
it feels ironic to say this on a post like this, but i'm actually working on my digital hygiene (it's a work in progress anyway.) i still like the format of tumblr, and there aren't many new places i like on the internet these days. i'll keep looking. but i finally cut the cord on spotify. still have to iron some things out - it was so integrated into my days and habits but it's not nearly as clunky as i was imagining it. between qobuz and nts, i'm actually discovering new music and enjoying it more anyway. since i won't have a spotify wrapped to show me much i either listened to charli xcx or bad bunny the most in a given year, i made sure to get qobuz hooked up to last.fm.
sorry not sorry for this post. i appreciated my weekend being surrounded by others and balancing my alone time. it hasn't felt equalized in what feels like way too long. i do miss livejournal, but i don't need to post like that all the time. i like the archives here, and i can go back to see some of what i thought was important. is every second of my day important? kind of, i guess but not really. but it's a lot to hold. i've really struggled with joy in the last few years so i'm trying to remind myself more of what helps me feel safe and content, which is really just another form of feeling joy. i'm more than a little lonely, but re-learning how to be alone like i've always found peace in. just have to air out the staleness.
Botanically inspired needlework patterns from Bukovina, Romania/Ukraine. Motive der Hausindustriellen Stickerei in der Bukowina/Designs of the home-industry embroideries in Bukovina. 1912.
song at 12:37 "red-orange". really enjoying this on this friday morning while i'm supposed to be working but who wants to do that when the sun is out even if it's 36 degrees. no, not even - especially when
