.

[disquehorse]

Like. How do you say your sorry to everyone who has met you. Like you cant say that to people or they will think you're fishing for comfort. But at the same time it's impossible to live with the guilt of people ever having known you??? Idk

[disquehorse]

Screw it this is just gonna be like. Private thoughts/ random drawings blog. I was gonna delete it but eh. Literally no one follows it so who cares shshsh

[disquehorse]

Mmm I'll just never understand how I matter so little to everyone in my life

[tastemyvalidation]

Thanks brain 👍

[frogmp3]

me when offered soda: yes. love the bübblés me when offered water: yes! a fresh and sexy beverage me when offered sparkling water: Why Are You Trying To Murder Me Under The Guise Of Hospitality

[lioness--hart]

I’m gonna keep saying it: sparkling water is Angry Water and I do not need that kind of negativity in my life

[thelauraborealis]

Sparkling water is like sprite except instead of sugar they use hatred and sadness

[disquehorse]

If u want to feel like the world doesn't make sense, go to the Instagram explore page

[wolverineheight]

hey controversial opinion but clean water should be fucking free and people should never be allowed to make money off of it because its fucking needed to live

[bepeu-deactivated20171202]

*organizes a meeting w my mind, body, and soul* so what the fuck is going on around here

[disquehorse]

Also I'm not posting that to make people feel bad for me or for attention or to be difficult. I'm just expressing myself. I hope all 23 of you understand. I feel quite bad about how bad off I am. I'm sincerely sorry for posting so seriously so often and being difficult. Im also sorry for feeling bad so often. I hope yall understand.

[disquehorse]

Ugh readmores don't work on mobile smh

[disquehorse]

I’ve been like. Trying to create/share for like. While. And I keep not being able to do it from The Big Fear so I just take endless depression naps lol

[disquehorse]

I know it doesn't seem like it but. I hate complaining and talking about ~HOw mISrAble I Am~ but uh. I'm really not doing well and I'm just gonna post this to let y'all know I'm Fucked rn. Like hella fucked up. Like mega hella fucked up.

I promise I'm not a selfish person. I promise I'm not a bad one. I promise all I live for is to spread my message to help people. All I want is for my purpose to make others happy. I want to share that happiness it has given me. I am sorry if I'm distant. This isn't selfish venting.

Everything I do is for others, I promise. Even if my tone comes off weird asf online. Which it does. Nothing I've been since 2012 is me. I hope I can be who I really am once I have the 3 (sharing Them personally, professionally and with myself) areas I need worked out so I can be baseline happy enough to be myself. Currently I feel I have 0 of those things, and the less I have the crazier I get. So 0 is making me nuts. I can't even fall asleep or daydream privately with them. So how can I help or share with others? If I can't live in those 3 ways, I can't be happy, if I can't be happy, how can I make others happy? If I can't make others happy, what's the point? I'm just a burden then.

I don't care for myself. Not in the "oh I hate myself" way, in the truest meaning of it. I am nothing but a messanger, nothing but a vessel. It's what makes me happiest. It's what makes me feel like I can live. It what makes me feel like I can make others happy.

I dont want ny existence to be small. I don't want my existence to be mere. I want to share life through 7 (me, E, D, R, M, Reb, Raj/Mar) lives I live. I want to guide others, teaching them lessons. I want others to not feel alone. I want those to see their lives in us. To feel less alone. I'm nothing but a creator, and I'm proud when I'm able to do it.

And I guess in summary, I'm lonely. Because in 3 (publicly, personally, and my thoughts/daydreams) ways, because of several, several factors, I can't spend time with those 7. I'm too worried.

It's just lonely to not be able to spend my life with them for the past 2 weeks. I dont know any other way. I don't want to know any other way. I just want this fear, this loneliness, this pain to go away.

That comfort, I'm begging you, please come back so I can live my purpose again.

But again, That Fear continues to control those 3 aspects I need to be happy, to make others happy, to live my purpose.

I suppose I'm caged in, I can't express myself, I can't make others smile.

Comfortablilty is so finite with severe anxiety. Currently I see no way out.

If that flame could be put out, maybe then I could daydream again. Maybe then I can give and receive again.

I miss those scenes. I miss the hugs and kisses of E and D, now I just feel fear. I miss the conversations of giving and receiving, now I just feel terror.

Now all I can do is watch stupid YouTube videos and pretend that those 3 things are okay. I'm merely existing.

What a life I've lived for the past little bit. I see no way out. I see no way out.

But it's been less than a month, so I'm okay. Right doc? Right. Even though it's been on and off and it's never affected my thoughts and scenes in my head. I keep getting worse, and then I keep getting better, and then I get worse. That permanence and assurance doesn't matter anymore when circumstances change.

They started publicly, then personally and now my thoughts. The wildfires have spread and they've burned my house down. I wish someone would put it out.

Sorry for the metaphor, I tried to think of a better way to phrase it and I couldn't.

Tl;dr Depression and fear are at an unbearable fever pitch.

Loneliness and lack of that comfort, I suppose.

[holobat-deactivated20251015]

Reblog this to have your followers send you a letter, number, and character!

Please tag me so I can see your artwork! C:

(Pls do not repost)

[disquehorse]

I've been like. Trying to create/share for like. While. And I keep not being able to do it from The Big Fear so I just take endless depression naps lol

[lordandgodoftheobvious]

“The world is overpopulated.”

Nope.

“Well, that’s just carbon emissions. What about places for all those people to live?”

If the world’s population all lived in one city that was as densely populated as Manhattan, that city would be the size of Ecuador. The space taken up by ourselves and our toys is actually rather insignificant next to that taken up by our farmland.

“Ah-hah! Farmland! We’re not producing enough food for all those people!”

The problem here is we are insanely wasteful with our food.

Firstly, half of all food grown in the US goes straight into the dumpster.

Secondly, we grow it very inefficiently. We could very easily increase the food yield of a given area of land by building a greenhouse on it (which also reduces water loss) and using poly-cultures instead of mono-cultures; the reason our preferred method is open-air mono-culture farms, which are susceptible to erosion and blight and requires a god-awful amount of water to stay hydrated, is that labor is expensive and land is cheap.

In fact, if we took it even further–growing our food in carbon dioxide-rich environments lit with artificial lighting 24 hours a day (or at least at night)–you only need 1-2000 square feet of farmland per person. Admittedly, you pretty much have to have fusion power for this to be an environmentally and economically viable option, but still; the point is, we could easily condense our environmental footprint by a shit-ton (and even more options will be available in the future) without decreasing our population one iota.

“There is still a maximum carrying capacity the planet has.”

Indeed there is. And do you know what that carrying capacity is? It’s ten trillion. And the cut off isn’t space or resources–it’s waste heat. The things we’d have to do to get there aren’t exactly the sort of things we could do overnight–hell, we don’t actually know how to fusion yet–but they’re all well within the realm of the physically possible.

[rararibbon]

two sides of the same diamond 

[riffatmatinpoetry]

“I know this is going to be how I win. I just have to continue to grind and continue to give.”

— Affirmation of the day.

[danger]

my biggest regret was not meeting you sooner