My therapist made a journaling worksheet for me, so I will be working on them here.
1) right now my body feels: tight, tense, anxious, clenched jaw, a little heavy
Physical sensation: feeling of tension in my chest
Something around me that feels neutral or safe: my cat
2) today the strongest emotions I felt were: stress, guilt, confusion, fear
What seemed to trigger them: stress - going grocery shopping, having to shop and put away the groceries myself, T was annoying me while I was overwhelmed. Guilt - T was very sad and tearful today. He talked about how his family never cared about him. It made me feel guilty to think of leaving him and causing more pain. I felt guilty several times today. He has been playful and light and that makes me feel guilty because it makes me feel like he is trying to work on things and I am the bad person. It makes me feel like I’m the problem. That there’s something wrong with me. That maybe we are happy or we can be happy and I’m wrong for wanting to tear it apart. Confusion - confused for the above reasons. I get confused during the good times and second guess myself. Maybe I’m making the wrong decision. Maybe things can be better. Also I’m trying to figure out how hurt he actually is and how much he’s faking to make me feel bad for him. Fear - I get a little scared when I think about saying goodbye. Partially for my safety, but also for my fear of being alone. I know it doesn’t make sense, but his presence makes me feel safe. I’m also scared of the pain I’m going to feel and I’m scared of the grief.
Today I felt pulled towards staying when: he was sad and crying. When he was silly and goofy.
What was happening in my body then: I was feeling guilt, like I was planning to hurt some poor innocent hurt thing. I felt sadness. I felt like I was grieving these moments as they happened. I felt afraid to lean into it and join him in happiness or comfort him. I wished he would just be angry so it would make it easier.
Today I felt pulled towards leaving when: he screamed at the cat and my dog was so scared he shook for 5 minutes. When he went on a racist rant.
What was happening in my body: I felt anger. I felt pent up rage that I couldn’t express. I felt disgusted.
Something I felt responsible for today that may not actually be mine: I felt responsible for taking care of his emotions.
If I imagine putting that down for a moment I notice: it eases some burden. I feel less pressure and anxiety. I don’t have to think about it all day.
What fear comes up when I imagine not carrying it: fear that T will suffer. Fear that T will become explosive.
3) when I imagine continuing things how they are I feel: trapped, anxious, dread, resentment, tired
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