Dissociation Journey

The road from “normal” to dream world and back...hopefully?

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How do I survive this?

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"Whenever I feel suicidal thoughts starting to engulf me I keep reminding myself that feelings can change in an instant. Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and will no longer feel like I want to die – because that has happened many times before."

Just keep going!

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My brain keeps telling me to give up, is it the dissociation or am I just manically depressed?

FYI I’m not giving up it’s just a tough fight when that’s all you can hear

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On one breath my therapist said you will eventually come out of this dissociative state and then she compared it to chronic pain...

I luckily don’t have chronic pain of the body just the mind apparently, but find both utterly unacceptable!!

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“If you have something to prove your still a prisoner”

Dr Eger

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“The more you suffer , the stronger you become.

There is no vulnerability without fear. Vulnerability would be that I’m willing to risk- when you risk you suffer and it’s ok because it’s ok to feel feelings rather than talk about the feeling, medicate the feeling, it’s good to feel the feelings and say to yourself I don’t like it! There is no forgiveness without rage, but you can say I don’t like it, it’s inconvenient and it’s temporary and I can survive it.

Not yes but.... yes and.... as everything is temporary. Vulnerability is very important as if your not able to be vulnerable your not going to have intimacy either. Fear never coexists with love. ”

Dr.Eger

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Does anyone else not feel in their body so much they don’t physically feel things? Like sex or when you bash into something - hahaaa both are very similar I suppose.....

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Am I falling into the darkness?

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When any ailment somehow links back to your dissociation 🤔 like i have shallow breathing oh it can be related to your heart and your heart rate can be affect by the extra adrenaline in your blood caused by your dissociation .... 🤔

Or it’s because this really is all a dream, thus everything revolves around the dissociation 🤔

Or I have asthma?

Either way I’ll just keep living in this dream world and pretend everything is cool 😎

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When you are so dissociated and catch sight of your nose - which then starts to freak you out 🤣

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Letter to a therapist:

So every day I feel disappointed with life. In my morning meditation I plan a happy event- it could be walking my dog, or meeting a friend- but still I feel no happiness. Not even if I catch myself laughing and think oh I’m enjoying myself - nope no feelings.

I understand the threat cycle theory that I need to stop acknowledging the dissociation through therapy in order for the threat to leave. But every day I have the thought that I should die as this is no life. And my question really is, is this pain worth it?

It’s ironic to think that I want to live so badly that this version of life makes me not want to live.

I am in no way saying I have thought of harming myself, it’s just this ongoing mind battle or inner thoughts that persist like chronic pain. A chronic pain that I will not accept.

Will my dissociation ever go away? Will I ever be happy? Is there a point?

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You think living through a trauma would be enough.... but oh no! PTSD just wraps its creepy little arms round you. Then once you finally realise that’s whats going on and address your issues, you can be left with the effects of PTSD.

Thats what happened to me - I’m left with dissociation as a side effect of PTSD. A long lasting kick in the face. Ironically I don’t feel so a kick to the face would be ok 🤣 but in all seriousness this numb, dreamlike state is driving me crazy!

I hbeen to 5 different types of therapy to try and rid myself if this lingering creature with no success. The current view is that therapy can drive the threat cycle - so is fuelling the dissociation. So letting go of the therapy is my only way to move on.

The funny thing about this theory is it can’t be proved wrong. If I reach out for help im feeding the problem. If I leave the dissociation unchecked it takes over cascading my into the dream world.