Non boyfriend guy returned from the cruise, and although I know it totally goes against what I stand for, I went over to see him. Beforehand I text him to say that I hope he returned safely and he  had a good holiday, and hoped to see him soon to talk. You have to remember this is pure oxytocin talking. I know its madness, I completely acknowledge it to be so, but there was a sense of unfinished business and I had to see his face.
He told me that I probably didn't want to see him as he had slept with someone on the last few days of the cruise. At first I was fine with it, we were both single, I slept with someone too but he was crap because all I could think about was you and I finished it because of that. The only reason I slept with someone was to try and get over him, but it didn't work, it made things worse.
This did get the green eyed monster out in me slightly though but I rationalised it, until he said 'and I'm visiting her in Ireland and her family over the summer who I met on the cruise too'. Okay...so you love me and want me back, but your going to visit a girl you slept with, in Ireland, by yourself and nothings going to happen? So then I exploded. This is not the first time he has left me for someone else, who he said himself had 'more in common with'. Insecurity was coming in to play, even though I knew he wasn't worth it after the way he treated me. I called her a whore. He then proceeded to fuel the fire and say 'She isn't a whore, shes an intelligent attractive woman who is studying aerospace engineering and the daughter of the manager of the ship, AND you know I have high standards so she would have to be nice,and she doesn't just have a lot in common with me, shes the female version of me, but it wouldn't be practical to date her'. He knows exactly how to press my buttons. So I said 'oh so shes obviously better than me, and the only reason you want me over is because it isn't practical to do so. So I am second choice, always will be. Go fuck yourself, and her.' Then he said 'I didn't say she was better than you, i wanted to start things up again with you when I came back but I cant change what happened, do you want to come over or not'. Sullenly I left my self esteem at the door, got dressed and wondered my the hell I was compulsed to see someone who could be so logical and coldhearted.
He paid for my taxi there and back as he didnt get his company car back until monday. Hes a gentleman in someways. However its probably because he knew we would end up having sex, as we always do, because no matter how much we hate each other we cant help ourselves. Even though he hadn't slept for thirty six hours, nothing stops this guy.
I arrived, he tried to hug me and I slapped him. It felt good. He has this way of trying to fuck you before you've even sat down so you cant argue back with him, which is quite annoying. He will pull at you, take your clothes off for you, put you on the bed, hold your wrists up and kiss you. I'm like a hypnotised snake usually, but this time, I turned from him and sat opposite on the bed. I then said to him that this had to stop and this borderline personality disorder was a problem, and although I might not be a trained psychologist, he had to get trained help and medication. I cant do the roller coaster anymore. I am physically and emotionally spent, getting recurring panic attacks which have increased in symptoms following my what i would call mini breakdown when I found out about fab-swingers. Which he still denies. However he does admit to signing up a new account because of apparent curiosity after what I had found. But swears down on his nephews life that old profile wasn't him. I looked him in the eyes - 'I know it was you. We can agree to disagree.'
Surprisingly, he agreed with my point of view, and said that his behaviour was not only causing problems to him, but to other people i.e. me. The manipulation, lying, cheating, spells of rage, loving me one minute and then calling me every name under the sun the next, the eating disorder, the impulsivity, and although I'm not sure if its connected; the sex addiction. This he also admits he 'probably' has. Non- boyfriend then promised he would go to the doctor and try to sort it out. I told him I couldn't have a relationship with him like this unless he sorted himself out and not until then. I do know this may have just have been another manipulation to appease me, but I told him not to do so for me but to do it for himself.
I spent one last night with his family, his nephew, sister, and parents. Fifteen month old Jacob cooed and laughed at me while I entertained him, we all chatted and watched the cruise holiday tape whilst eating an Indians and the wine free flowing. He was the perfect 'boyfriend' in front of the parents, but to tell you the truth, I enjoyed the attention i was getting off him. My need for him to love me was being fed by his kisses and touches and holding hands. It was all wrong. Why was I there. Why had I forgiven him. Where did the self I knew go?
We made love, but this time something was different. In the back of my mind I couldn't get the words he had said to me out of my head. I couldn't feel the connection with him anymore. I lay after, him sleeping and I felt a deep, sickly anxious feeling in my stomach. Only three days ago had he bent that girl over and fucked her. I also had slept with someone, so how could I be a hypocrite. But then again he knows that man wouldn't be a threat to him because I think he is the best thing since sliced bread. I on the other hand, am constantly fighting for his attention.
He brought me a necklace back from the cruise, a silver/white gold thin chain with brown topaz. Probably valued at thirty pounds. He bought himself a four hundred pound diamond encrusted bracelet, and a diamond ring about two hundred. Now I know I am an only child and i can be a prima donna, but if I were a man, I would want to woo the girl I was with, not palm her off with the cheapest thing I could find in the collection of jewellery. I hate the colour brown, and thin chains I break straight away. He didn't even know or cared what I liked, I think the fact there was no thought in it made it worse than the price tag.
He was grouchy in the morning from jet lag. I left to get the taxi, told him I loved him.
Then I realised, this is all wrong. I don't know if anyone else has had this feeling, but when you really have had so much shit off a partner, a realisation just suddenly comes into place, with the nauseous feeling in your stomach and a pang of hurt and shame. I couldn't do this anymore. This was the start of me falling out of love with him.
