Hello... I don’t have anyone to talk to about my mental state really, I try and talk to people I love about it and i get shut down, ridiculed you could say. Um I do try and talk to god, i guess it helps I don’t know, I still feel like it’s all kept inside me still even after I talk to god, so I guess I’ll just document my words threw here and maybe that’ll help I don’t know. Currently I’m at a mental state of paranoia. I see all the horrible things happening in this world, it’s all fucked up and I spend most of my time thinking am I gonna die next? Will I be killed or kill myself? Will horrible things happen to me and my loved ones? Every minute of the day I think something bad is going to happen. My paranoia and anxiety is eating at every part of my mind and body. I worry something bad is going to happen to my loved ones while their doing there own thing, living life. The one person I truly love thinks im wasting away my life, that eats at me cause all I’m trying to do is survive. Survive these thoughts of anxiety, paranoia, suicide, self harming. I feel like I’m this little speck here on earth that’s not worthy of anything, who can’t fix anything and who’s worthless so I ask everyday why am I still alive. I’m not as depressed as I used to, I keep my mind occupied by doing things but these feelings never go away. I’m fighting between living and surviving, it’s draining me. Nobody cares and nobody ever will because we all have to rely on ourselves, nobody has it in them to take care of someone else. My deep insecurities within my mind seem to keep ruining relationships and I just don’t know how to fix it I don’t know how to turn off my feelings, I wish I could. Im so dependent on one person who doesn’t care to understand my feelings and thoughts or life really, but I would still die for them. I’m trapped a in a dark room that’s always closing in, everyday it’s getting smaller and smaller. Is god going to save me ?am I worthy? Will I get out of this dark place or do I deserve to stay here forever, being destroyed.
