Distortedmind89

Hi and thanks for visiting my page :) This page is mainly focused on my experiences of mental health issues; Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety. If anyone has any questions etc then please feel free too message me

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Distorted Mind of A Borderline

Well my life has taken a very much unexpected turn. I went on a date last night abd it actually went really well, he is understanding about the whole BPD thing and the best bet is my ex knows about it and is actually supporting me through it. It is a bit of a fucked up situation but at present I feel quite content with it in all honesty, I just hope it lasts this way

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Distorted Mind of A Borderline

Well its got to that point of one of those BPD moments ... ruining the friendships you have one by one, partly because you already fucked up one so think it best to destroy the rest so you don't get hurt by them.

The other reason being completely unknown until you look back on it a few months later and try and approach those you have pushed away or hurt and then realise they want nothing to do with you now ... as they say too little too late.

I have managed to screw up a lot of relationships in the past, whether its friends, lovers or family I have done them all. Then I sit and wonder why I am so lonely? 

Since getting this diagnosis even though I was aware something wasn't quite right about me it has opened my eyes to so many things, and in turn I don't know whether I have gotten worse or whether it is because I have been too open about it people then use it as an excuse? Or maybe I do?

I guess i will never know. But at the moment I think I need to look hard at my behaviour when around people to truly discover what I am doing.

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Massif des Aravis | France (by Rémi Bridot)

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so beautiful 

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The Distorted Mind of a Borderline

The last few days have been somewhat of an eye opener to me in all honesty.

I am hoping to go back to uni this year if I can, and also move out the supported accommodation I am in, as I am not really getting the support I had hoped for. 

Over the weekend after speaking to a really good friend of mine, she made me realise that I am probably putting too much pressure on myself. The minute I go on one of my 'manic' stages I think I can do this, that and the next thing, which ultimately does no favours as some times it is unrealistic and so if something doesn't happen then I do crash and burn and then go on this massive path of self-destruction and start questioning every thing in my life.

When speaking to me a part of me whom I call 'The Bitch' erupted and went mental at my friend in a very harsh way, sometimes I have no control over my alters, end of the day how do you control a part of yourself? If you can't control your emotions it is bound to come out in another way? Any way, I actually scared my friend and I think it has probably damaged our friendship quite a bit as she has never seen that aspect before. She has obviously seen other parts which don't come across so ad, or actually personally attack her but they truly did this time.

But since then I guess I have been doing some searching into my life, and have realised that I do have a tendency to set myself up for a fall, if someone tries to take that away from me I do lose it as I feel like they are trying to call me a failure when in reality they are probably just looking out for me - hindsight is a bitch!

So that being said, am I really ready to live on my own with no support? Should I just accept the support whether limited or not here until I don't go along with every thought that enters my head? Am I really ready to embark on a course that is very much personal to me? Would I be able to deal with it? 

All I know is I am in search of stability but maybe putting too much on myself constantly provides me with instability without realising as I am so focused on what I might get only if I am ready for it.

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WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU ARE IN A BAD MOOD?

Different things to be honest, depends on if I have other emotions going on. Music, reading and talking to people are my positive distractions. But then my negative ones are drink, alcohol and cutting which all numb me.

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The Distorted Mind of a Borderline

I have always wanted to write about my experiences with BPD but I didn't really know what I should say or whether I would have the courage to be honest with my experiences. So now I am going to give it a go :)

I have been officially diagnosed for a year now, although I believe myself I have had it since I was quite young, and I was told at 15 that they thought I may have a personality disorder and due to the thought of that 'label' I ran a mile. Only to finally accept it nearly ten years later. 

I fit all the criteria of a borderline, so the unstable relationships, fear of abandonment, paranoia, impulses, suicidal thoughts and self harming, unstable self image, the chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate behaviour and unstable moods.

Just some days are easier than others and I can sometimes go through a period of a month with periods of stability. However, when I hit those periods of stability I always think it false, that I just think everything is fine, or other times I think that maybe I don't have any mental health illness, so start to push away my therapist those that I would have relied on so much before the stability hits.

I feel like I am on the right path to learning to control all the aspects that come along with BPD. In time I am hoping to be able to use my experiences of it to help others in the future. Just need to make sure that I get into university and actually stay there this time, and don't once again chuck it all in for fear of failing or because I think of something else I would rather do instead. Think I need to try and stick to one thing and one thing only, and push other thoughts away. 

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