HIDEAWAY

Personal blog for personal things that strangers get to give a cursory glance to. Queer, mid 20s, contains drug use

[buttpoems]

[alteredpanel]

(summary/information of the theory of structural dissociation) (pdf of the haunted self, book proposing the theory of structural dissociation)

[lunamonchtuna]

— Richard Siken, I Had a Dream About You from Crush (via lunamonchtuna)

[torchwood-99]

"I love you but you're doing wrong in a way I cannot condone" and "I hate you but you're being wronged in a way I cannot stomach" are top tier and I need more of them.

[nueuhell]

Tell me when you get bored. A story about doses. [x]

I posted this on twitter and had a variety of aggressive ableism thrown my way.

This is a story about changing what I can in spite of what I cannot for the comfort of my loved ones. The thing that others find to be hurtful about me is that I like to spend time in silent solitude. People who love me often feel hurt that I tend to solve my own problems instead of leaning on them.

When we spend too much time together, people find my neutrality to be concerning, and it becomes too much for people to be unable to read me.

To show the people I love that I enjoy their company in ways they can understand, I pool my energy together to be high-energy, peppy, and social. Since this is not my natural state of being, it takes effort, which can only be expended in small doses. I amplify the things people like in me while filtering out everything they dislike about me when I am in their company.

I change my behaviors for those I love, but at the end of the day, I cannot change my neutral state of being, which is the thing that they want most out of me.

This is a story about me accommodating people in the best way I know how, not the other way around. I would truly appreciate it if people don't misconstrue this anecdote as me asking for dismissal of hurtful behavior when in reality, people find hurt in the fact that I simply exist, and I must change for them.

[weltenwellen]

Nedra Glover Tawwab, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

[ethubbie]

there's something so good about a character who hasn't had enough comfort and warmth in their life and now has weird complicated kinda sexual feelings about being treated with actual basic respect and dignity and they feel like an awful gross pervert for it. i like those wires getting crossed

[steamysthings]

vent woerm

[dragonsblowingoutbirthdaycandles]

your life is not an optimization problem

[dragonsblowingoutbirthdaycandles]

as in you'll never achieve the perfect daily routine, sleep schedule, coping mechanisms, mannerisms, fashion sense etc. even after years and years of healing and improvement and self-discovery. you will never be so good at life that you manage to utilize every waking moment. its great to be productive and all but sometimes you'll suck ass. sometimes you'll take eight hours to be done with a twenty minute job. you'll prioritize the wrong thing. you'll sleep for 12 hrs just to avoid being awake. you'll relapse. and you'll relapse again. you'll forget to turn in the assignment. you'll order too little food. life is far too large and complex for you to even experience it completely, much less try to make sense of and control it. you can't. please give up on that and be at peace with the hours you lose. they are not separate from your life.

[wordx]

[sevaria]

Make me the subject of your desire

[thatonedeadboy]

far too much

[lunamonchtuna]

cruel how loving someone rewires you permanently.

[lunamonchtuna]

— Ivan Yan (source)

[corantus]

made a poem i wrote into a comic. anyone else angry that you have to yearn

[paper-wounds]

[junietuesday]

*through gritted teeth* when i do something wrong and am politely asked to change my behavior its just a simple request to fix a problem and not an indictment of my character. when i do something wrong and am politely asked to change my behavior its just a simple request to fix a problem and not an indictment of my worth as a human being

[junietuesday]

*gripping the sink and staring into the mirror* i can regulate my emotions and move on from well-intentioned polite criticism by resolving to change my behavior in the future without dwelling on the shame and guilt. i can regulate my emotions in a healthy way and move on and not get stuck scrolling tumblr for an hour and a half to just blast my brain w stimulation to avoid my negative feelings. oh wait its too late for that last one

[miss-mania]

I'm just pulling your chain. I mean yanking your leash. I mean jerking you off. uh I mean I'm just messing around with you,