my entire sense of self and identity has been poisoned by spending a lifetime of putting in tireless effort to just be nothing like either of my parents. constantly scrutinizing every word and every mannerism and every emotion and every reaction, berating and punishing myself every time i notice one of my parents reflected in my behavior. years and years of obsessing over making sure i'm not like them, and i completely lost myself along the way. and yet i still hear my mom when i speak and see my dad when i cry and when i drink and i try so hard to kill those parts of me but they don't die and i can't ever have just one normal human moment without being reminded that parts of them will be stuck with me for the rest of my life.











