spaced out

dizzy || they/them

[dizzociating]

my entire sense of self and identity has been poisoned by spending a lifetime of putting in tireless effort to just be nothing like either of my parents. constantly scrutinizing every word and every mannerism and every emotion and every reaction, berating and punishing myself every time i notice one of my parents reflected in my behavior. years and years of obsessing over making sure i'm not like them, and i completely lost myself along the way. and yet i still hear my mom when i speak and see my dad when i cry and when i drink and i try so hard to kill those parts of me but they don't die and i can't ever have just one normal human moment without being reminded that parts of them will be stuck with me for the rest of my life.

[dizzociating]

[dizzociating]

devastated to report that using unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with other unhealthy coping mechanisms that i use to deal with other unhealthy coping mechanisms is not working out that well and also is starting to really be a bummer

[dizzociating]

i've never been able to actually give anything or anyone 100% of me because part of me is STUCK somewhere else, somewhere not technically real, but real enough to have completely altered the way i exist. i've got one foot in the real world and one constantly in my daydreams and you know what! at this point i doubt i would change that even if i could. being at least partially detached at all times has become a sick comfort, one that i am too afraid to let go of.

[dizzociating]

ive always been alone and im used to it, more than used to it actually, its comfortable and it feels safe and i often crave it cause real life relationships take time away from daydreaming but then those moments always come when im deep in a daydream about love and friends and family and i feel the warmth and the joy as if its all real but then the sharp bite of reality sets in and that loneliness turns into an unbearable ice cold heaviness in my chest because the things and people and places i miss the most arent tangible and every time i come out of those daydreams it feels like im being ripped away from the only home ive ever known it feels like real life is the dream that im supposed to one day wake up from but i never do and every time i realize that i really am stuck here the bitterness in me grows and pushes me even further away from the people who have tried or are trying to know me in real life and i keep telling myself i want to be alone. i need to be alone. cause real life relationships take time away from daydreaming, right? rinse and repeat rinse and repeat rinse and repeat

[dizzociating]

creating imaginary people to fill the void of not having enough significant and meaningful real life relationships. i'm sure this won't have any lasting ramifications.

[dizzociating]

"How much do you feel that your daydreaming activities interfere with achieving your overall life goals?"

well my ultimate life goal is to be able to just do nothing but stay in bed daydreaming until the day i die so...not that much i guess

[dizzociating]

turns out spending almost all day every day indulging in fantasies to cope with trauma for 20 straight years can do fucky things to your brain. who woulda thought.

[dizzociating]

[dizzociating]

sorry i can't i'm busy turning what should have been an incredible creative outlet into a horribly unhealthy coping mechanism

[dizzociating]

actually struggling to accept and deal with the significance of my life and self. i do things and it affects other things and people. i don't do things and it affects other things and people. god i wish i could just exist and just do things and not do things without it making any sort of difference.

[dizzociating]

me: "my daydreams are form of escape to help me forget about my problems"

also me: *daydreams about killing myself*

[dizzociating]

they’re minor inconveniences to you. but to me they are months worth of daydream fuel.

[dizzociating]

*does something* *feels guilty about it*

*does nothing* *feels guilty about it*

[dizzociating]

constantly torn between wanting to be someone’s first choice and not ever wanting to deal with the pressure and expectations of being that important to someone

[dizzociating]

being constantly disconnected from reality sure has done a number on my perception of everything and everyone. i can’t tell where rational thought ends and the overactive imagination begins. i can’t trust my own perceptions anymore, and i can’t trust any of my own thoughts and feelings anymore.

[dizzociating]

sometimes it takes a long time to really realize all that madd took away from you. i mean years, decades…

looking back on my childhood, teen years, and even early 20s, i’m starting to see all the things i missed out on cause i was just too busy spending all my time in my head. all the memories i won’t get back. all the memories i never got to make. maybe things wouldn’t have been much different even if i didn’t have madd, but now i’ll never know, and i’ll have to spend the rest of my life without answers.

like with any addiction, madd can really fuck with your perception of things. it can keep you in rose-colored glasses for a long time. it feels like it’s giving you so much, but then years later when you look back you realize it took way more than it gave. and what it gave you was only temporary. but what it took… a lot of that you can’t get back.

[lovers-liability-deactivated202]

speak for yourself. reality is shit. ill bloody well sugar coat it if i love.

[dizzociating]

being that this is my personal post about my personal experience with madd, i was very much indeed speaking for myself, thank you.