D&D Insanity

Just a blog about some of the craziness that happens during my D&D games. 

[yourplayersaidwhat]

You name the monster what?!

A little bit of preface: in our campaign if a player can’t make a session, the character is basically off doing their own thing. I missed a session and when I came back I decided to make use of this and get a pet in the process.

Me (half orc) ooc: So I come riding up on a bulette Sorcerer ooc: a what? Me: a landshark Dm: why are you riding a land shark?! Me: she’s my new pet and mount. Rogue: what happened to your donkey? Me: she ate it. Monk: so your response was “this thing just ate my donkey, its gonna take its place”? Me: yep! Dm: ok… Ill let you keep it if… You can give us a reason you’d be able to even beat it. Me: (character name) is strong as a mofo Dm: ok… Since you don’t have animal handling, I need you to roll… 18 or higher, or else you’re sticking with the donkey and the land shark didn’t happen. Me: deal… Nat 20 Dm: son of a… Fine, so (my character) rides up to the party on his new land shark… I hate you… Sorcerer: what’s its name? Me: …fluffy Dm: I really really hate you right now…

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Breaking a dimension with a tree

Our group is chasing the main villain of this campaign through an alternate dimension that he created. The dimension is shaped like a mansion and the only thing outside of the mansion is energy and nothingness. We entered this place through a portal in the desert and have already fought and defeated a couple rounds of enemies. In chasing the villain, we found ourselves in a long narrow hallway with an ominous black lightning cloud coming at us from one end and monsters coming at us from the other. Our ranger (named Hunter) was given a coin earlier that would perform a spell immediately after he decides to use it.

None of us were particularly willing to face the ominous cloud, nor fight more monsters, so…

Hunter: I’m gonna use the coin.

DM: Are…are you sure?

Hunter: Absolutely.

The rest of us are pleading with him not to do it because his antics have caused us enough trouble in the past. Hunter still goes through with it.

DM: The coin lands in the middle of the hallway and a gigantic tree begins to grow out of it. It’s starting to break the walls of the mansion you’re in, letting in all the volatile energy and nothingness.

The party is now screaming, we aren’t ready for our imminent deaths.

*DM chuckles and rolls* Upon seeing his results he stops laughing.

DM: The tree breaks through the dimension and you’re all deposited in the desert at the place where you entered the villain’s mansion. You can see that all the monsters you haven’t encountered yet and the villain have been brought with you. The villain yells “Oh, shit!” and runs.

There was a 95% chance we would have all died.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

I think she's hooked

My best friend and I are doing a small 3 person campaign to teach her 13 year old cousin how to play. She picked a Tabaxi Druid that alternates between Primal Savagery and Wild Shape to fight.

DM: Alright so you are in melee with the Goblin, how are you going to attack it?

Druid OC: Umm…the acid claws! *She has figured out how to roll without prompting*, 17…23!

DM: Roll for damage.

Druid rolls an 8, the Goblin had 7 health.

DM: Alright this will kill the goblin how do you want to do this?

Druid OC: I’ll gouge his eyes out!

DM: He’s wearing a pumpkin on his head you still cool with that method?

Druid OC: Hmm…I guess that would be hard to do huh? Can I gut him and have the acid melt him into two pieces?

DM OC (me), turning to this kid’s older cousin: This kid is going places. 

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Moreau peeks down and sees just a pair of bracelets on the floor. “Oh fuck,” he says emphatically, before deciding it isn’t his problem anymore.”

— when the kobold has left his magic-suppressors behind.

[nina-bee]

commission for @hollowschematic of his dnd character shira snow!

[yourplayersaidwhat]

You need to be specific

Some background, I’m DMing a two person game for my brother and the players are him and the NPC I made. I allowed him to create a second character that is an incubi and lives above a bar. They had taken a cultist hostage and had gotten the information they needed.

NPC: what do we do with him now?

Incubi: we kill him.

Incubi: I cast command

Me (DM): roll to cast

Incubi: success

Me (DM): what do you command him to do? You can only use one word.

Incubi: I say ‘die’

Me (DM): Are you sure?

Incubi: yeah.

Me (DM): he turns into a single dice otherwise known as a die.

Incubi and NPC: *start arguing*

Me (DM): the dice starts rolling away

Incubi and NPC: *still arguing*

Me (DM): the dice is rolling down the stairs into the bar

Incubi: SHIT

Incubi: I ATTACK THE DIE

Me (DM): roll

Incubi: *rolls*

Me (DM): you fail. The dice in wreaking havoc in the bar.

Incubi: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN

Me (DM): you have to be more specific

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Context: Adventurer’s League one-shot, group of a bunch of newbies (myself included, at the time). I’m a barbarian. These are excerpts from throughout the game. DM (to me): “And what is your name, dear adventurer?” Me (after several minutes of deep thought, wanting to get my first character perfect): “Augustus Snapdragon McFisticuffs.” Party: *Sniggers.* DM: “That’s quite a mouthful. Would you care to shorten it while in combat?“  Me (ooc): "Sure!” Me (in highly gruff, affected accent): “My name is Ugg.” DM (moving on): “Yep, that’ll work." 

***

DM: "Your adventuring party has come to this small village on the countryside, hearing two distinct rumors you suspect are connected."  DM: "One, many cattle and cows have gone missing from the countryside. Two-” Me: “I’m immediately in the mood for a good steak.” DM: “…” DM: “I could rattle off 13 different reasons why that’s a bad idea, but sure! Let’s go with that!”

***

DM: “In the cemetery on the hill, you spot two lonesome, grazing cattle.” Me (ooc): “Wait - am I close enough to smell them?"  DM: "No, you’re 150 feet away."  Me: "I move closer to smell them.” Party: *Reluctantly agrees to follow, since I’m already halfway along.* Me: “Can I smell them now?"  DM: "As you get closer, a rancid scent fills the air. It is, without a doubt, the stench of rotting flesh. One of the cows turn to face you. Their bodies are covered in stitches, barely visible under matted fur and caked blood. Their eyes glow red. It is a truly horrifying spectacle.” Me: “I roll to resist the intoxicating flavor and scent of home-cooked zombie cattle flesh.” DM: “I would’ve spent my turn doing something a little more productive, but you do you."  *** (Next time, witness the horrors of the night in "The Cow Shamblers and the Beef Drumstick!”)

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Two of our party members, our Paladin and Fighter, broke off from the group while they were in a city. They decided to raid a jail and try to capture some guards to interrogate, as the city guard was in possession of the Paladin’s dark scythe.

While they were scouting out the front of the jail-

Paladin: Ok, what is my way in?

DM: There’s a wooden door at the front.

Paladin: Are you sure there isn’t any back entrance?

DM: There’s a wooden door at the front.

Paladin: Can I roll perception to look for any alternate entrances?

DM: …sure?

*nat 20*

Paladin: What do I see?

DM: You see a wooden door at the front and the 20 that you just wasted.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

That Sudden Realization

We are in a trading town and our cleric, as is his custom, goes to buy an unreasonable amount of cheese to supplement our rations.

Cleric OOC: “Do I see any cheese vendors in the market?”

DM: “You do. He is a human male with a beard.”

Cleric: “Greetings. I am looking to buy some cheese.”

Vendor: “What kind?”

Cleric: “What kind do you have?”

Vendor: “I’ve got cow, goat, and centaur cheese.”

Cleric: “Centaur cheese?”

Vendor: “Alrighty then, how many pounds of centaur cheese would you like.”

Party is screaming in the background

Cleric: “Well. I guess I’ll buy 30 lbs.”

Party has gone ballistic.

FOUR SESSIONS LATER

Party is fighting some cockroach men. We are probably in the middle of combat when the fighter just screams.

DM: “What’s wrong?”

Fighter: “CENTAUR CHEESE! WHAT SET OF TITS DOES THE MILK COME FROM!”

All was quiet and the cleric just wore a face that said, “What have I done?” We had to take a 20 minute break right then.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

“Did you just call me a hoe?”

— My tiefling when the DM spoke for a background character saying “ho there!”

[outofcontextdnd]

Does improved evasion help during tax season?

It helps, yeah. But if you want to dodge out on paying taxes completely you’re going to need a mage that knows Elminster’s Tax Evasion.

[nocht-der-undertoten]

Can’t be found guilty of Tax fraud if you’re in your own Pocket Dimension!  Simply cast Mordenkainen’s Magnificent Mansion every day until the tax man dies, of you do.

@thedungeonofbaddecisions

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

How are you supposed to spend all that sweet untaxed gold if you’re hiding though?

[thatonegaypokenerd-deactivated2]

Disguise yourself with illusion magic obviously. If you can cast Mansion, you’ve got Disguise Self most likely. Can’t arrest you if you look like the opposite gender and a different race

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Fair point.

[conrishadowflame]

Just fireball the tax man. Or meteor swarm the local tax office.

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Dude. It’s just tax evasion, no need to go full murderhobo

[conrishadowflame]

Down with taxation without representation. Evocation against tyranny.

[thedungeonofbaddecisions]

Taxes aren’t inherently tyrannical!

[char-portraits]

Safiriht - Tiefling Druid by April Marble

[haaaaaaaaave-you-met-ted]

“I’m playing 5e with my friends, me as the GM. I’m having hard time since all the players are just joking around, not taking anything seriously. I decided to send them a message. GM: You’re walking on the bridge, when suddenly, a magical portal bursts open in front of you. From this glowing portal, a hand sticks out. It flips you the bird, pulls back, and the portal vanishes. You continue walking on the bridge- Dragonborn Sorcerer: Wait, are we not going to acknowledge what just happened?”

— (via yourplayersaidwhat)

[shamethedice]

**a metal d20 shows what would be the 1 side, but says FUCK instead**

Enough said

[otherwindow]

Bards are just mages who don’t shut up.

[otherwindow]

Rogues are just slutty knights.

[infininoodle]

What about alchemists?

[otherwindow]

Chefs without boundaries.

[corpsegirlforever]

necromancers are clerics who don’t know how to give up

[yourplayersaidwhat]

The party is on a quest to find ingredients in the woods to help cure a plague. They’ve just been advised to get a map from the ranger at a local lumber camp.

Sorcerer: “Let’s find the ranger! And stab him!”

Fighter: “Yes!”

Sorcerer: “And take his map!”

Fighter: “Wait!”

Fighter: “No stabbing him. That would be wrong.”

Sorcerer: “And stupid!”

Cleric: I sigh, again.

[yourplayersaidwhat]

Fairy King: “I challenge you to a duel! Whoever can make this Dryad cry a bowl full of tears will gain the favor of the Fairy god!”

Bard: Cool. I set the Dryad on fire.