okay, i donāt hateĀ kids. i think theyāre sort of funny. i like that you can talk to them like an adult and theyāll make sounds like they understand. i taught one kidĀ āphosphorescenceā and he looked at me and said,Ā āthey could just call it glowing if it means something that glows.ā the kid undid the entire science community in one sentence.
or really, i hate how theyāve always been expected from me.
when i was five i was givenĀ ābabies.ā i hated the hardness of dolls, disposed of them for dramatic stories between stuffed animals. i knew how to wrap, feed, and care for a baby before i could spell my last name. when i was nine i was alreadyĀ āwatching the kidsā. i was only four years older than my cousins were. i wanted to go out and play. instead i was expected to have responsibility. by the time i was thirteen all of my friends had told me about how many children they were going to have in their twenties.Ā
my hips wereĀ āchild-bearingā hips. my brother was a scientist, or a fireman, or a steamroller. i was going to make a good housewife, or mom, or nanny, or mom, or mom, or mom.
and when my body hurt, i was told it wasnāt really my body, not really, it belonged to my future children. i couldnāt cut or snip or tie anything; i was trapped by the potential energy that hung above me. a boulder, threatening. i couldnāt get tattoos, because what would i tell my children? i couldnāt kiss a girl, because what would i tell the children? i couldnāt be risky or wild or anything but a lady, because what about the children?
and when i saidĀ āi donāt want childrenā - not biologically, at least, not when cancer and depression and a whole other host of terrible things lives inside me - do you know what they said?Ā āitāll change, wait and seeāĀ āitās not badāĀ āyouāll get used to itāĀ āwhen you meet the right manāĀ āyou donāt want to be lonelyā.
i donāt hate kids. iām great with them.Ā
but then iām told again that my life will be forfeit to them - something in me snaps angry.Ā āwait until you have kidsāĀ āyou should travel before you have childrenāĀ āyouāll be more happy.āĀ
i hate kids! iāve snarled. i donāt mean it at all. but god. please, leave me alone. i donāt want to be a biological mom.Ā
itās like weāre born with a uterus and toldĀ āthis is your whole life. your singular purpose. your job.āĀ
i want to be my own purpose. not here for the sake of passing genes on.
