[dolly-bare]

i just turned 21.

dad is still abusing — is that the right word? — me.

i can’t feel parts of my chest anymore because of top surgery and for me, i am thankful for that. but when i get more sensation back? what will i do then? i can pretend it’s not real because i don’t really feel it like i used to but…i guess i’ll just have to face it when it happens.

[dolly-bare]

haven’t had to be on here for a while now mainly because i spent all of february not feeling real and hm idk a lot has happened mainly mum knows what my dad did and yeah life sucks quite a bit and i really don’t like it but oh well what can you do

[dolly-bare]

remembering how in 4th grade i got in so so SO much trouble for talking about sex (and porn too, as i was too eager to brag about watching it) on the playground and the school having a big huge meeting because parents were so upset about it and me getting kicked out — not expelled but like basically, as a sort of punishment i guess — because of it, but yet not a single staff member dared to ask me about how i knew this shit and why i knew this shit and instead made me feel horrible and disgusting and yeah i feel really nauseous thinking about this !

[dolly-bare]

i really do wish that i could go back in time to tell tiny me that yes, dad groping your chest and suggesting that you do xyz because it will “make you feel really good” is in fact a disgusting, horrible thing and that you had every right to feel uncomfortable!

[rottingtrouble-child]

man, being groomed and abused as a child really has a way of making you feel old as fuck and worthless once you’re a legal adult.

[dolly-bare]

sometimes i’ll just be taking a shower, or putting away the laundry, hell, even brushing my teeth, and a “reminder” (of sorts) will pop into my head.

i never like acknowledging it, i never like thinking too hard on the matter, i really, really don’t, but sometimes it’s just too fucking hard to simply not.

“you were a child.”

“you were a child.”

“YOU WERE A CHILD.”

like okay, that’s true, i was a child. i was so so tiny. i wasn’t even in kindergarten yet. i was small and fragile, and dare i say it, i was even “innocent.” so why didn’t you protect me? why didn’t you care? why didn’t you help me? why didn’t anyone help me?

[dolly-bare]

so i’ve slowly been coming to terms with the fact that i literally never had a “childhood” because of what i’ve endured and i’m gonna be honest, it really fucking messes with me. like i never got to be a little kid, i never got to have that so-called “childhood innocence” that you always read about in poems or in novels. because when i should’ve been playing outside with my friends on the playground, i was sexualizing my seven-year-old body because it quite literally was all that i knew.

i’m just so….so….i don’t really know how to name what i’m feeling, but it’s something i’ve tried my hardest to just ignore. i mean, if i don’t have to acknowledge this gaping hole of who i could’ve been, of what i could’ve accomplished, and of just how severely my trauma has shaped me, then i’m fine, yeah? nothing ever happened if i pretend it didn’t happen, right? right?

i just…it’s a sense of sadness for someone who never was, it’s a longing for a life that was never yours and could never have been yours. it’s grief that you feel you have no right to be carrying because why mourn something that was never yours to begin with?

i guess it feels like i’ve lost a part of me that was never really even there?

[dolly-bare]

lol who tf do u even vent to when ur having a mood™ like??? my friends now abt the shit that happened to me but i never ever would vent to them abt the awful things i feel/think so??? idk i just feel icky and awful and will probably just keep it all in until i do something not so hot to myself (( _ _ ))..zzzZZ

[dolly-bare]

i really don’t know if i’m wrong to feel like my dad crossed a boundary when he touched my chest and told me my breasts looked nice when i was 12 but uhhh yeah i feel super icky because i let him??? i don’t know i just stood there and waited for him to stop touching me and didn’t say a single thing because he was my dad??? and i guess i thought all fathers did that??? he’s always been really…i don’t know weird when it came to our (my little sister and i) bodies so i guess i just brushed it off as one his creepy quirks??? maybe it is a normal thing for fathers to do but??? i don’t know i haven’t slept all night and i’m thinking too hard probably

[dolly-bare]

i’m so gross! i’m so so gross! like i’m not even exaggerating here i’m literally repulsive! this body of mine has always been “praised” (it wasn’t praise, i know this now, but to past-me it was) for being so tiny and small and fragile and easy to control and i hate it i hate it hate it! i’m having those thoughts again where i’ll look in the mirror and think “oh. i look like a child. i look innocent and []” like why the fuck am i like this?! i still am conditioned to act stupid and ditzy when in the presence of men no matter who they are and it’s literally so sickening bc i know they won’t hurt me, they wouldn’t hurt me like that but i’m always ready to let them hurt me and that really really really fucks with me!

[dolly-bare]

okay so i used to sh really bad and it pissed the hell outta my mum, so to ensure i wouldn’t keep doing it, she would force me to strip down to nothing and she’d examine me. i would always beg her not to and i’d cry every time but she never listened and idk it’s fucking with me rn bcuz wasn’t it justifiable of her to do so? like??? i didn’t even get to keep my undergarments on and ???? she didn’t need to look down there, yeah??? fuck man idk im kinda spiraling

[dolly-bare]

hmmm am i obsessed with looking tiny and delicate because of the sexual abuse (ie i’m only desirable in a childlike body) or because i don’t wanna look feminine (being small = androgynous???)....guess we’ll never know!

[dolly-bare]

sometimes i wonder if she even remembers what she did. does she even know what she took from me? could she possibly fathom how that’s effected me? and would she even want to know? i wouldn’t want to know if i were her

[dolly-bare]

it’s such a weird (??? i have no words atm sorry lol) feeling to be looking through old photos and seeing pictures of you and your abuser but like you’re happy??? like, i was looking through old pictures today and i saw a pic of me and my abuser and we were holding hands and it really stood out to me because even though she may have hurt me, she also gave me a lot of happy memories too. there’s so many pictures of us side by side smiling and playing together and just generally being happy and it makes me feel so ??? because she also really really really fucked me up too. like??? yeah, i don’t know but this one picture of us has been on my mind all day and i’m just wishing things had been different between us :(

[dolly-bare]

i know that a lot of people who’ve been abused (be it emotionally/sexually/physically) have that lingering fear of becoming an abuser themselves (this is especially so in my case because abuse is all my family has ever known) and i just??? like my mum knows i have that fear, she knows it’s the reason for a lot of my “well i won’t have kids because of *xyz excuse*” but yet as soon as i told her about the cocsa she literally replied with “who was it? was it your sister? did you hurt your sister?” like??? thanks a lot mum!!! i really needed to hear that!!! like i really, really needed to hear that!!! no, but seriously, what the actual fuck?! why would she say that? do i seem like that much of a potential abuser? do i? it scares me that she’d think that, that her first immediate response was to assume it was i who hurt another child while still being a child themselves. anyways yeah i’m scared to ever have a kid because of my past abuse :(

[dolly-bare]

i don’t look my age. like i often hear from friends and family that i should be happy that i look so youthful but i really wish that i didn’t still look like a child. in hospital we would always play the “so who’s the oldest” game when a newbie came and the other patients were always so shocked to learn that i wasn’t the 14 year old that i looked to be. yeah i look young and i know this and i hate this bc i feel that men will always look at me as this young teen to use and i hate it bc why would i not! idk idk this makes no sense but in conclusion i wish i looked like the almost 20 year old that i am

[dolly-bare]

mum and i talked a bit tonight. i finally told her the reason i refused to see this one psychiatrist of mine. it was so hard to tell her that this man straight up said that i let myself get revictimized. he didn’t have cruel intentions i believe, he just couldn’t understand why young me would “willingly” seek out child predators online in forums/apps. i tried to explain that i loved (yeah, it sounds bad, i know) the attention and praise i got from these men but it just ended with him asking if i ever pressed charges, which i didn’t—i couldn’t have. these were just men who saw an eleven year old little girl and went for it. i don’t know their real names, and i most likely don’t know their real faces. but yeah mum just kinda looked at me and didn’t know what to say when i told her the reason i refused to see that psych again. to be honest i feel like he was right. i mean, i did go on these forums/apps on my own free will. yeah?