🐝 kind please

//They/Them ~ nonbinary// I am Valen, a fan & feminist; i post things sometimes.

[normalwizard]

[snorlaxatives]

i can’t believe there are people that are still in high school like… it’s literally 2018 how have you not grown up yet damn

[theeidiot79-deactivated20180115]

Are you perhaps some sort of idiot?

[snorlaxatives]

[rob-walks-deactivated20210614]

[memescomedy]

[voxeterna1]

Is there a reason they are all wearing the same shirt???

[hotvampireadjacent]

straight men can only wear one of 3 shirts

[trashboat]

i go absolutely ape shit buck wild when people ask me if i want to run errands with them like Let’s Fucking Go. and my mind absolutely maxes out of dopamine when they ask if i wanna stop for coffee. and if someone took me to the park id go bonkers in funcking yonkers

[greenmossloveisreal1998iloveyou]

oops left my glock in the ball pit at chuck e cheese

[i-am-a-fish]

i don’t got street smarts OR book smarts. where the fuck did i invest all my skill points

[rosepowdr]

In gay

[i-am-a-fish]

[fiddlesolo]

vampires really should be able to get drunk they literally have to be alive forever let them have this

[1953swan]

hc: vampires have no blood so they get drunk faster than people

[bellas-orange-jansport-deactiva]

charlie pulling over a shirtless carlisle at 4 am: dr cullen your blood alcohol content is literally 100% how are you not dead carlisle: au contraire im absolutely dead

[durbikins]

*kicks the door in of an alt-right’s house and let’s myself in*

haha, what the fuck is this? your “safe space”?

[gaxhar]

That sounds like a good way to get shot

[durbikins]

lol what are you, a gun cuck? can’t kill a man with your own hands?

[parliamentaryinquiry]

this is my FAVORITE post please write “what are you, a gun cuck?” on my tombstone

[conbiniiko]

*walks into starbucks* lemme get uh spaghetti bolognese macchiato

“sir we don’t serve that”

don’t bullshit me i saw the secret menu on instagram

[cityrun]

me, starting a new game: i’m gonna be evil this time

me, 5 minutes into said game: Being Mean Is Not Nice

[feynites]

me, after failing to be evil: i’m gonna look up the youtube videos of that playthrough instead

me, looking at the videos: i can’t watch this

[pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird]

Tracking Service, as helpfully as possible: Your order is out for delivery! It should arrive by 8 PM today!

Me, sitting by the door at 8:12 AM: pakige

[glissandodisaster]

same energy

[vampireapologist-archive-deacti]

me n the girls hanging out after we got cursed by an evil sorcerer

[prokopetz]

If you’re trying to catch a housecat that’s gotten outside, don’t forget: they’re an ambush predator and you’re a persistence predator. You have several times more endurance than they do - use that to your advantage! Don’t run after them; that’s playing to the cat’s strengths, and vigorous pursuit may cause them to hide. Instead, follow them at a brisk walking pace until they get tired and need to have a lie-down, at which point you can simply pick them up and take them home.

[fsthhdwefg-deactivated20180515]

Ok but no shit this tactic is what allowed humans to survive pre-civilisation

[lowkey-revolutionary-raccoon]

Some mammoth: *chilling, eating grass, mammothing*

Cavedude: *power walks towards them*

Mammoth: oh sIHT

[krwzprtt]

cat : haha you can’t outrun me

human:

[jaunes-hoodie]

That’s the best possible use of a gif I’ve ever seen

[universalfanfic]

writing advice: never italicize words to show emphasis! if you’re writing well then the reader will know and you don’t need them!

me: oh really??? listen up, pal, you can just try an pull italics from my cold, dead fingers

[babybat98]

“I never said she stole my money.”

VS.

“I never said she stole my money.” 

“I never said she stole my money.” 

“I never said she stole my money.” 

“I never said she stole my money.”

“I never said she stole my money.” 

“I never said she stole my money.” 

“I never said she stole my money.”

[3dphantom]

It’s especially funny how every single one of those sentences has a completely different meaning. Besides, one shouldn’t make such generalized, idiotic statements as “never use italics,” especially not to writers. A unique style is one of the most crucial elements of writing, and use of italics is a good way to differentiate your writing from others’.

[ma-at-thought]

You cannot take my slanty letters away from me.

[kuriquinn]

Touch my italics and I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you

[formlessvoidbeast]

a blog: *follows me*

me, an aged monarch lounging on my fur-strewn throne, gesturing for my servant to bring me my monacle: Bring them here! Bring them here, I say. Let me look at them.

guards: *drag the unwitting blog before me*

me, peering intently at the new blog and poking them with my scepter: Is this a real person? Hmm? What have you to say for yourself? What are your fandoms? Your interests? Speak up, these old ears aren’t what they used to be.

guards, tentatively: they do seem to be a real person, sire. We found them in possession of several memes and a fandom rant.

me, subsiding back into my sumptuous furs and waving them away: most extraordinary. It has been an age since there was a real person, but just as well, the dungeons have been overflowing with those tacky pornbots. This newcomer may remain in my domain. Make them welcome. And fetch me a quill! I feel a ficlet coming on…

[a-girl-with-three-eyes-deactiva]

this is the funniest thing i have ever read

[valtsv]

i love it when people say “must you?” both because it makes me feel like i’m in a period drama and because yes, i absolutely must