First off, I’d like to apologize for my lack of writing lately. I’ve gotten several emails, messages, and reviews via AO3 and Ff.net regarding my absence lately, and I want to offer an explanation in the hopes that it can lay a few things to rest, as well as offer a glimpse into the reasonings behind my hiatus.
If you know me personally, or follow my main blog, you’ll know that the last year has been rough.
My mental health has not been the best; I’ve had an anxiety disorder most of my life, but I’ve been battling depression since late July, early August. My fic idea generation did not wean; I have at least a dozen stockpiled in convoluted snippets and scraps in the notes app on my phone, but as for sitting down and writing, I have had no motivation to do so. I have been seeing a therapist regularly for about a month now; with her help, I’m slowly beginning to find my way back to some semblance of normalcy. (She encourages me to write my way through the blocks. I’m taking her advice).
My maternal grandmother, whom I was not close to but still loved, passed away in September after a lengthy battle with several medical conditions, including multiple strokes, lung failure, and dementia. And while losing her has been hard in its own right, her death has sparked the reemergence of the grief surrounding the death of my paternal grandmother, whom I was extremely close to and died nine years ago. Grief commingling with preexisting anxiety and depression makes one helluva potent cocktail, let me tell you. Due to my grandmother’s ill health, my mother was forced to temporarily (meaning nearly four and a half months) relocate to Arkansas to care for her. This has put a strain on our finances, as well as the relationship between my parents, and their relative relationships to me. I still love at home, so it’s been a very lonely, and very stressful situation.
My physical health has been shitty as well. In November, I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I begin meeting with a rheumatologist next week, and will begin treatment shortly thereafter. Treatment for RA can be taxing, in every way, shape, and form, and while I am filled with apprehension at not knowing what lies ahead of me in this regard, I am so ready to begin treatment and be well again. Some days the pain makes it hard for me to get out of bed, and function in what would otherwise be menial tasks, which does nothing to help with my depression. It's super rough some days, and easier others.
On top of all of this, I also work two jobs, and go to school full time. I am currently finishing up my undergraduate degree in psychology and human sexuality at Eastern Michigan University, and two of my classes last semester were writing intensive; I was writing upwards of three papers, sometimes four, a week, as well as studying for exams every two to three weeks, sometimes two in a single week, on top of the papers. This left me with very little time to myself, and any free time I did find was usually spent sleeping, eating, and trying to find time to spend with my boyfriend. It was rough, but in the end, I actually made the Dean’s List with a 3.8 GPA.
So while I apologize for the lull in writing, and updates, I ask that you please continue to grant me patience. I know some of you reading this are doing so because you are literally wondering where the hell I am, and why I haven’t been updating as I have so fervently promised over the past year. I apologize, and ask for just a bit more patience and time. I am learning that I am at my best when I am well, and I have been anything but well lately.
But to be honest, my writing has always been a part of my wellness. So, I am writing once more to help me find my way back, somehow, to a stasis that is familiar, and comfortable, and holds some semblance of stability. It will be a hard won battle, but I have found that I have a lot of fight in my little body.
Thank you all so much for your support, whether it be via messages, reviews, comments, or emails. You have no idea how much it means to me.
Stay gold. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I will return!
