Whumpee who has no one. They sob and sob until they can't breathe with no comforting embrace to soothe their cries. They pick themselves up before they collapse, knowing full well there was no one to catch and carry them to a warm place to recover. Whumpee who has no one to hold on to when their knees tremble and buckle, no one to lay their head on when the pain is unbearable and no one to turn to in times of trouble. It goes on and on that they're used to being lonely and it convinces them that it was always just meant to be that way. They'll either end up pushing people away or be blinded from the comfort offfered to them.
Dude I literally thought I made you up, I found one of your fics a few months ago and then could never find it again. Hi! I hope you’re doing well and thanks for your writing 🖤
But when you said no, they were in a mood, made you feel guilty or otherwise punished you for it.
That’s still not okay.
Consent isn’t just about whether someone stops. It’s about whether you were free to say no without fear of guilt, withdrawal, anger, or emotional consequences.
If someone makes you feel bad every time you set a boundary, your body learns that “no” isn’t safe.
And yes, that can be traumatic.
You’re not being dramatic for carrying pain from that.
Request from lovely @concretejunglefm. Thank you <3
WARNINGS: PG13 mentions of sex, nothing very graphic.
A/N: I'm also not into Christmas, so I was not going to do anything. But a very sweet request changed my mind. Hope everyone has a pleasant Christmas xxxx
Nutmeg Christmas Headcanon
Noah is the one to roll his eyes when the Christmas decorations start filling all the shops. He notices, but will never stop to look at wrapping paper or touch the tinsel. Like in his mind this holiday was not one that he was meant to be a part of.
You have tried to ask a little bit about it, but Noah doesn’t seem to have a major reason. It’s just a fuss about something he doesn’t care for. ‘There’s too much pressure on Christmas. It’s supposed to be magical and full of wonder, and yet, it’s always a disappointment despite all the effort. I cringe when I think of how you can feel the let-down of it radiate from everyone. I really think it’s just better to let is pass.’
He had a point. You feel the same. Christmas for you was high expectations, your mom trying really hard to make sure there is something special, but your dad couldn’t be bothered to get up from his seat and join the rest of the family at the tree where everyone was exchanging gifts. Year after year. But somehow, you wanted to try a new tradition. You wanted to start a new way of doing things, leaving all the memories in the past.
He was resistant, but not negative.
On the third Christmas you spent together, you had the odd Christmas dinner you were invited to by Noah’s friends and your sibling. All of which you attended, bringing a gift, smiling and putting on the paper Christmas hat.
But for your new Christmas traditions, you included Noah in the whole process. You researched the Pagan reasons for the Yule celebrations and decided to embrace that side instead.
You prepared food together, Noah deciding he wanted roasted beef, which he took charge of, looking for recipes on Pinterest as neither of you have ever done something this serious before. You prepared other favourites. You kept telling him that it was a warming winter meal, you might as well. But after a morning in the kitchen together, listening to music and stealing kisses, spirits were high.
Afterwards you took him outside where you broke a branch off one of the few trees on the property. ‘It’s supposed to be evergreen, but this is fine,’ you explained. He carried it inside and you planted it in a large vase with some rocks at the bottom to keep it from falling over. Then you simply strung some battery lights into it.
‘Something else we can add?’ he asks, giving you a small smile.
‘No, I didn’t want to overdo it,’ you said a little bashfully.
He steps forwards and takes both your hands. ‘I like this,’ he says and his eyes drift to the little branch and then back to your eyes. ‘It’s simpler.’
You look down. ‘I want it to be special, but I don’t want to fall into the same pitfalls.’
‘You haven’t,’ he insists.
‘You feel like you need to reassure me,’ you say and then look up at him.
He keeps eye contact with you for a moment. ‘Alright so let me add some things to this, yeah? I don’t want it to be all on you.’
You smile hopefully. ‘Okay, like what?’
He leaves you and goes to the kitchen. ‘Let me get this straight, the meal is for what again?’
‘To ask for abundance in the new year,’ you say, following behind him.
‘The decorated branch is to remember that life will carry on after the winter or the dark times,’ he says. ‘I like that part.’
‘Yeah,’ you nod along with him.
‘So, every year I will make my famous hot chocolate,’ he says, starting to take stuff from the cupboards.
‘That’s a good idea,’ you say, smiling softly as you watch him take mugs out and start putting things inside.
‘Did you buy me a gift?’ he asks, looking at you sideways.
‘Yes,’ you answer. ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.’
‘We promised we wouldn’t,’ he scolds you playfully.
‘I said I’m sorry,’ you play along.
He forgets the mugs and crowds you back against the kitchen counter, his hands resting against the edges on either side of your hips. He comes closer and breathes in your neck and goosebumps run down your spine. ‘No mistletoe?’ he asks.
‘I will get us some,’ you whisper.
He kisses you, starting from your jaw and working his way towards your lips slowly and teasingly. He kisses you and in the kiss, he says thank you for trying. He breaks away and says, ‘I think we should eat first and then the hot chocolate can be part of the dessert.’
‘We didn’t plan any other dessert,’ you say.
‘Oh, Peach,’ he smiles. ‘You know what I meant.’
‘Oh,’ you blush then you nod your agreeance.
‘I’d also like to suggest a movie for our new tradition. No Christmas movies though,’ he says suddenly so serious.
‘Sure, which one did you have in mind?’ you ask.
‘My whole body wants to say Lord of the Rings, but no, I thought maybe any old movie we haven’t seen in years. For some nostalgia. We can take turns or we can watch two movies.’
You reach up on your toes and kiss his lips. ‘Thank you.’
‘I’ll dish up for us, you go get a movie ready, you choose,’ he says sweetly.
After watching Practical Magic and enjoying a lovely meal, Noah brings a big mug of hot chocolate to you. ‘It’s going to be quite rich, I think. Take it slow,’ he winks.
It was. Delicious and rich and comforting, especially when you were sitting in Noah’s arms and you were watching as the blinking lights shone on his beautiful face as he explained how much cream is in his beverage.
You hand him a small wrapped gift when you have emptied the mug. He opens it shyly like he doesn’t know what to say or do. He frowns for a moment, before he sees the full small canvas. You can see the thoughts whirr behind his eyes.
‘It’s us,’ you say also feeling worried he might not like it.
‘As skeletons?’ he asks, looking at you for confirmation.
‘Mmm,’ you nod. ‘I wanted to paint a picture that represents forever. And that it what my brain came up with.’
He looks at it a moment longer before he says, his voice very low, ‘I love it.’ He seems the slightest bit emotional. ‘I love your brain.’
‘I love you,’ you say softly.
‘I got you something too,’ he says.
You tilt your head sideways.
‘I know I gave you shit, but you know I was just joking,’ he defends himself.
‘Yeah, I know.’
‘So, before I give it to you, as always, I need to explain,’ he says calmly and he turns to you a little. ‘It’s a ring. And it means forever for me, too. I know we have spoken about our future before and that we don’t really see the point in getting married or anything like that. But I guess, I just wanted a new symbol.’
You don’t know what to say, so you wait for him to continue.
‘I know it’s stupid, but it felt right,’ he says frowning at you. ‘You can tell me if it’s something you wouldn’t be into, I’d understand.’
‘Can I see it?’ you ask.
He takes the small box from his pocket and opens it for you to look. Black stone, set in a silver metal with carvings of a crescent moon on either side. Unique and unconventional.
‘It’s beautiful, Noah,’ you say. ‘I love it.’
‘Really?’ he asks, his eyebrows high.
‘Really,’ you reassure.
‘It made me think of you as soon as I saw it,’ he says as he takes the ring out of the box. ‘It’s also made with non-traditional materials. Onyx stone and it’s set in silver. It wasn’t an expensive ring.’
‘Good,’ you say immediately.
‘Yeah?’ he asks. ‘I remember you went off about how diamonds are a crazy thing to spend money on, and it stuck with me. But mostly, this just spoke to me. I knew it was yours.’
‘Please put it on,’ you hold out your hand. You let out a breath when it settles in place. ‘Wow.’
You both admire it for a moment, then he turns your finger so the lights can reflect from it. ‘Peach?’ he asks and then looks you in the eye. ‘Forever?’
‘Forever, baby,’ you answer.
He led you to the bedroom not long after that, holding your hand and the painting you made him. He was sweet and gentle when he thrust into you, there was a lot of kissing and shared breaths and whispered ‘I love you’s. He took his time and it built slowly. He was wrapped around you, playing with the ring on your finger. ‘Only improvement on this for next year is the mistletoe, just so I have more excuses to kiss you.’
‘You don’t need an excuse,’ you laugh softly.
‘Thank you for this,’ he says, nuzzling into you the way he always does just before he was about to fall asleep. ‘I am on board for the new Noah-and-Peach traditions. New, happy memories for this time of year.’
Someone asked what a normal day would be like with Noah and Peach's dynamic. I wrote some headcanons that I have for them.
Word count: 850
I just miss them, I think.
WARNINGS: None really. Mild mentions of sex, but nothing too graphic.
Headcanon:
Noah is possessive when you are sleeping. He loves cuddling with you, and will turn the AC on high so that even on hot nights he can hold onto you. Even if it’s just some part of his body touching yours. He will tuck a hand into your underwear or whatever you are wearing to prevent his hand from slipping off you in his sleep.
He will kiss you awake when you ignore your alarm and groggily remind you that you need to get up and be responsible.
He will complain when you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. You always have to promise him that you’ll be right back.
While you get dressed and ready, Noah will make coffee for the both of you and then he will sit near you with his eyes half closed and listen while you talk about what your day has in store. He goes back to bed once you’ve left for work.
He spends a lot of time thinking about things that you complain about, because he wants to solve your problems. He will go shopping for new shoes when your strap breaks. He will make sure there is always a pitcher of cold water in the fridge and will bring you a glass whenever he feels you need it. He constantly asks if you’ve taken your pills. If you are working late, he will bring you something to eat. He will take your hand and guide you to the shower to join him when you have been obsessing over something and lost track of time.
He is quick to defend you and tell his friends to stop their shit whenever they tease you or take jokes too far.
He loves cooking and more often than not, dinner will be ready for you. He tries new things with your preferences and will try to push you to try new things that he has come up with.
He is still the only person who can grip your hands and press his forehead to yours and calm a panic attack down in record time, while reminding you how to breathe.
He knows you. He knows how you take your coffee and he knows which treats to bring you from a shopping trip. He knows when your period is near and he will make sure there is chocolate and pain meds in the house – he loves rubbing your belly when you have cramps.
You know that Noah has insecurities and you make a point of telling him when you are proud of him, or how much you appreciate him and his efforts. You know that you never have to question his methods – you know he is always trying to be his best for you.
You are happy to sit with him while he games. You will have something you are doing with you to keep yourself busy, but will look when he is telling you about the game.
You know birthdays and other holidays are a very weird time for Noah. So, you don’t force anything. Instead, you will come up with a distracting activity that has nothing to do with the event – making an effort to make sure it’s still fun and comforting and something he would enjoy. You make it special without drawing attention to the parts that make him unhappy or uncomfortable.
When he is in a bad mood, you let him rest his head on your chest (your chest as naked as he needs it to be) and play with his hair.
Whenever you see a new brand of flavoured water or a new flavour, you get one for him to try.
While both of you prefer to hand out alone together, you always enjoy spending some time with his friends. You make an effort because you know they are his family and very important to him.
Normally the dom/sub dynamic is only really evident during a scene.
Both of you will grab the other’s hand whenever there is a social situation where the other one feels unsure or uncomfortable.
Some rules remain in place. Like nothing may be inside of you if it’s not him. He will often forbid orgasms just to elevate sensations when you are together.
He knows when a scene will be the thing to help you feel better, to get yourself out of your mind and he has a talent for knowing how far to push.
He insists on you not hiding from him – he wants to know all the gory details and he wants to be a witness to what you consider your shame. He accepts you fully – and slowly you start to really know that nothing is going to scare him away.
Saying ‘I love you’ does not happen very often. But he will mumble it into your neck. During sex, Noah will repeat it over and over – you can hear how deeply he feels it.
Summary: AU where Bad Omens never happened. You and Noah meet on a snowy evening outside and help each other through some of life's difficulties.
Warnings: Smut 18+. (oral, PIV) Mentions of mental health and associated issues. (depression, medication, suicidal tendencies) Reader is curvy/plus-sized. Don’t take anything in this story as medical advice!
More warnings: Proofread by myself, there will be some typos.
As you rush down the pathway that is no longer visible the snow is so thick, all you can hear is your clothes rustling as you move. The snow deadens almost all sound. The flakes gather on your eyelashes and you wipe them away. Your nose is so cold. You knew you would find her soon, she never runs too far. You were just eager to head home as you could tell it was getting darker.
You spot the familiar bench that is at the end of the pathway. It faces the river and as you get closer you begin to hear the flow of water nearby. As the picture becomes clearer through the gently drifting snow, you see someone sitting on the bench, hood over their head. Your immediate reaction is not to disturb them, to avoid. But, of course, there she has her head resting on this person’s lap like she has known them forever.
‘I’m sorry,’ you say. ‘Willow, come on.’
The person jumps a little at your voice, but does not really turn around. ‘It’s okay,’ a man’s voice replies.
‘She got away from me,’ you explain and you walk around the bench to get to your dog.
‘She is no bother,’ he says again. He keeps his head down a little and does not look up at you. His eyes are locked with the yellow one’s of the Great Dane.
You marvel for a moment at her ability to just charm any human despite her size – your polar opposite. ‘We need to head home,’ you say more to Willow than the stranger on the bench.
‘It is getting dark,’ he says what you were thinking.
‘She likes you,’ you say. He is scratching behind her ears with gloved fingers. She whines softly at him. You stand and watch for the longest time, not wanting to break the spell that was clear between the two of them. While she is friendly to all people she meets, you have never seen her like this with someone new. So intense and still.
After an eternity of silence he says, ‘I have seen her when you walk her in the evenings. She is a beautiful dog.’
‘Yeah,’ you take a few steps closer. He finally looks up briefly and you see his red nose first. He must be freezing sitting here. Before you can make out much more, he looks down again, like he regretted moving at all.
When his shoulders start shaking, you are confused, until you hear the sounds of crying coming from under his hood. As the sobs break from his chest, you sit down next to him on the bench. ‘What’s wrong? What happened?’
He shakes his head as an answer. You had zero context. Willow pushes as close to him as she can get, nuzzling her nose against his hand. Her reaction spurs yours on and you put a hand on his shoulder as a comfort. He stiffens for a moment. The crying does not stop.
You did not notice the gun at first because it was covered with a dusting of snow and blended in with the black of his clothes and glove. ‘Is that a gun?’ you ask your voice calmer than you were feeling.
He nods. ‘I’m sorry,’ he says through his tears. ‘It’s for me, not anyone else.’ He kind of tilts the gun a little, as if he was checking that it was actually still there.
Realisation slowly flows through you and you feel a cold settle over you that had nothing to do with the weather. You heart beat becomes louder than the sound of the river. You want to take it from him. But you hesitate. ‘Is there someone I can go get?’
‘No,’ he cries. ‘It’s okay. I’m okay. You two go on home,’ he moves a little like he was trying to get Willow to leave him. But she would not.
‘What’s your name?’ you ask him. You did not know what the hell to do, but you knew he was not okay.
‘Go home,’ he repeats. ‘It’s cold.’
‘It sure is,’ you say. ‘But can I just sit with you for a moment?’
His crying was quieter, you did not hear him, but you still saw a few tears fall into his lap. He does not answer you. But he tries to hide the weapon in his hand under his other arm. He seems embarrassed. He continues to give his attention to Willow and the tears continue to drip.
‘Did you come out here for that?’ you ask.
He moves the gun again. ‘Yeah.’
‘It’s so beautiful here,’ you say softly.
He looks up at the river for a moment. ‘Couldn’t imagine a more beautiful place to do it.’
Your heart clenches. ‘How long have you been sitting here?’
‘I don’t know. An hour?’ his voice is thick. ‘I had just worked up the courage when she walked right up to me.’
‘Why do you want to do that?’ you ask. You cannot get yourself to use harsher words.
‘I’m tired,’ he says, voice cracking and fresh tears start again. ‘I cannot feel like this anymore.’
You scoot a little closer to him and continue to rub at his shoulder. ‘How do you feel?’
‘Look, you are being really nice, but it’s late. Go home.’ He wiped at his face quickly.
‘I’m happy to stay,’ you say immediately. ‘Here,’ you hand him a heating pad you carry in your pocket for your hands. ‘You must be freezing by now.’
He takes it and plays with it a little, before he puts it between his hand and Willow’s face. ‘You need to take her in.’
‘She’ll be okay,’ you say, knowing you prepared her well for the walk. ‘If you give me the gun, we can talk as long as you want.’
He takes it out from under his arm, but still keeps it away from you. ‘Why do you want to talk to me?’
‘It looks like you have got something to say,’ you say simply.
‘I am not doing okay, that’s all. I don’t have a story to tell you,’ he sounds like he was sorry to disappoint you.
‘That is fine. We can just sit.’
You sit together for long, the darkness slowly descending over the little bench. Willow climbed onto the bench and laid down next to the man, head still on his lap.
‘Can I ask you something stupid?’ he says.
‘Of course.’
‘Can I get a hug?’ his voice barely there. ‘Never mind, that’s fucking so goddamn stupid.’
‘It’s not stupid,’ you whisper. You lean in and reach for the gun, making your intentions clear. ‘Let’s get it out of the way.’ You touch it and he lets you grip it. His fingers hold on a little but you manage to carefully take it from him. It is heavy. You put it on the bench behind you. Then you turn back and start putting your arms around him.
The way he responded broke you. He wrapped his arms around you with desperation and he squeezed you so tight. You held him back just as tight. He was sobbing into your neck his fingers twisted in your jacket. You held on and allowed him to cry. You shed a few tears yourself while you were wondering what would have happened if Willow did not find him here.
Only when Willow started shivering against him, did he gently pull back from the hug. ‘She is cold. You should go.’
‘Where do you live? I am walking you home,’ you say.
You can see on his face he wanted to argue. But he didn’t. ‘I’m a few houses down. Not far.’
‘Come on,’ you say getting up. You take the gun and try to hide it as discreetly as possible in a pocket. You and Willow walk on either side of him. He is tall and towers over both of you, but his shoulders are hunched over in sadness. ‘Is there someone home?’
‘I don’t know,’ he answers.
You walk to the door with him. He lives in one of the flats that all look the same. The weak light shines on his face in the dark and you see what he looks like for the first time. Pale with brown eyes, he is younger than you initially thought.
The front door is pulled open suddenly, and a man with black hair who is holding a phone to his ear spots the two of you there and he breathes a sigh of relief. ‘Thank God,’ he says as he says, ‘I’ll call you back,’ over the phone. ‘I was worried, dude.’
‘Sorry,’ he mumbles.
‘Hi, I am Nick,’ he says making eye contact with you. You smile without it reaching your eyes and you greet him back. ‘Come in, you’ll freeze out here,’ he says to his friend and pulls him inside. ‘Do you also want to come in?’
‘No, I,’ you stutter. What must you say? ‘Can I just leave my number? If he needs anything?’
Nick looks over his shoulder and the man had disappeared into the flat. ‘What happened?’
‘He was on the bench,’ you say. ‘With a gun.’
‘Fuck,’ Nick looks horrified. ‘Does he have the gun now?’
‘No, I have it.’
Relief washed over his face. ‘Thank you. I’ll keep an eye on him.’ He hands you his phone and you save your details on it. ‘Hey, you live in the grey house that way,’ he points.
‘Yes, that’s me,’ you say. You suddenly feel like you are going to throw up.
‘We have seen you walk your dog,’ he says. ‘I’ll let you know. Let me go check on Noah.’
Noah.
‘He is not okay. Stay with him,’ you try.
When you get home, you make sure that Willow is warm and cozy in her bed before you get in the shower to warm up. You vomit and watch as it swirls down the drain.
NOAH
When my eyes open, I sigh with disappointment. Still alive.
When I look around I see Nick sleeping in the chair in the corner. ‘Fuck,’ I mumble quietly. I hated it when he did that. I hated that I was such a nuisance that he didn’t even feel like he could leave me alone for the night.
I get up and shake his shoulder awake. ‘Buddy, your back is going to break in that chair.’
He groans, ‘Ow,’ as he tries to get into an upright position.
‘You didn’t have to sleep here,’ I say and I feel ashamed of myself.
‘I know,’ says with his usual kindness. ‘I just needed to make sure you were okay.’
‘I’m fine.’
‘She found you on the bench with a gun, Noah. You are not okay,’ he says as he stands up and looks me in my eye. I’m taller so he has to look up.
I nod for a moment in confirmation. ‘I had a bad day.’
The look he gives me makes it clear that he does not believe me. ‘I gotta pee.’
I go to the kitchen and put the coffee on for him. I drink orange juice from the container. ‘Dude, come on,’ he says. ‘I drink orange juice too.’
‘Sorry, I’ll finish it. Get some new juice later,’ I say.
‘So, I am going to message her and tell her you are okay. Will you be fine while I am at work?’ He says all of this while getting a cup ready.
‘Message her?’ I ask.
‘Yeah, she left her number in case,’ he stirs the creamer into his coffee.
‘You have her number?’ I say, not focusing on what I am supposed to.
He frowns at me. ‘Did you do this shit on purpose?’
‘What? No, of course not.’ I say. ‘I thought I was having a dream, I swear.’
‘What are the chances, huh?’ he says after a big gulp.
I huff in response. ‘Well, I am embarrassed now.’
He nods. ‘So, I decided that you are going to see a therapist.’
‘We cannot afford that, don’t be silly,’ I open cupboards to look for something to eat.
‘I’ll take a few extra clients or something. I am really worried about you,’ he does not look at me.
We do this. We care deeply for each other, but we struggle to show it. ‘Dude, I’ll sort it out. Don’t worry.’
‘Call me if you are not okay? Please.’ He stands near me. ‘I am serious.’
‘I will,’ I hug him briefly and throw sugary cereal into my mouth.
‘Get a goddamn bowl,’ he scolds me. ‘I’m gonna shower and take off. Go back to bed.’
‘Yes, dad.’ Instead, I lay down on the couch and watch some TV.
The knock on the door wakes me later on, and I am confused for long. But I get up and go to the door and then she is there.
‘Hi,’ she starts talking to me. ‘I’m sorry to just barge in like this. I just wanted to see if you are still… doing okay.’
I stare for a moment. ‘Um, yeah.’
It’s awkward. She shifts her weight from foot to foot a little. ‘Okay, that’s great.’
‘Yeah,’ I start thinking about the fact that I am still in the clothes I slept in, that I haven’t brushed my teeth.
‘I wanted to ask,’ she says and she blushes. ‘I wanted to invite you,’ she takes a breath. ‘If you want to, of course. If you want to walk Willow with me a little later?’
‘Willow?’ I ask.
‘My dog,’ she clarifies. ‘I don’t want to intrude. I’ll just go.’
I watch her turn to leave. Her hair swings behind her with the force of her turn.
‘I’d love to.’
When she looks back her smile is soft. ‘Okay, good. I’ll come by later?’
‘I’ll make sure I look better than I do now,’ I say.
She shakes her head. ‘You can look like whatever, we are just going for a walk.’
‘Gotcha,’ I don’t know what to say.
She walks off in the direction of where I know she lives. The grey house with the lots of wind chimes and at the end of the lane. I stand in the door long after I cannot see her anymore. Dread slowly fills my chest. The way she saw me yesterday, the way I acted. I feel sick. ‘Idiot,’ I say to myself.
I shower and dress up in clean and warm clothes for the walk. Then I sit down at my computer and actually get some work done. I hear the barking a while later and take my phone out.
15:12
Going for a walk.
15:13
NOAH
15:13
I have a chaperone. It’ll be okay.
15:14
Please don’t do stupid shit.
15:14
Stop worrying.
Willow rushes up to me and pushes her body against me while her whole body shakes with her wagging tail. ‘I knew she’d be glad to see you,’ she is still coming up the way.
‘Hey, girl,’ I give her pets and she leans in even more. ‘Hi,’ I say to her human.
‘Hi,’ she responds with a smile. ‘You ready?’
‘Sure,’ I say and I lock the door behind me.
We take off and the excited dog is a great distraction from me trying to find something to say. She sets a gentle pace and I keep with her. Willow mostly stays with us, but she takes off every now and then to smell something or chase a bird.
We reach the open field where she goes every day. ‘You want to?’ she asks, holding out bright pink ball.
‘Oh, sure,’ I take it and throw it and Willow runs full speed after it. ‘Listen,’ I start. ‘I am so embarrassed by what happened yesterday.’
She looks at me for what feels like the first time since the walk started. ‘Don’t be, please. Seriously, I’m just so glad you are okay.’
I throw the ball again. ‘I had a bad day and I just felt so… lost. I did not mean for anyone to see that.’
She looks down. ‘I was worried that I didn’t handle it correctly.’
I did not expect that. ‘You were really nice. I appreciate what you did. But you shouldn’t have had to.’
She looked at me again, with a deep frown between her eyebrows. ‘I’m glad I was there.’ Silence for a long time. ‘Thanks for coming with me, Willow can sometimes be a lot to handle alone. She is so big.’
She is lying. I’ve seen them together; Willow is a very well-behaved dog. I know what she is doing. And I appreciate it. ‘No problem,’ I play along.
When we are back at my flat, I invite her in. It felt like the polite thing to do. She agrees. So, I make her coffee in Nick’s machine. She sits at the small kitchen table.
‘Hey, um. Do you still have my gun?’ I place the cup of coffee in front of her.
Her eyes go wide. ‘Yes.’
‘Oh,’ I say.
‘I hid it,’ she says quickly. ‘I don’t think you should have it back.’
‘Probably not,’ I agree.
‘I couldn’t sleep thinking about it in my jacket pocket. So, I got up and hid it… somewhere.’
I laugh a little. Not sure why. ‘I am sorry you had to do that.’
‘It’s okay. It was such a strange thing to do in the middle of the night.’ She blows on the coffee before taking a sip.
‘I will start taking my meds again,’ I say as a way to placate, and I realise it was a weird way to do it.
‘Why did you stop?’ she asks.
I shrug. ‘Sometimes I forget how bad it can get. I was being stupid.’
‘Okay, please do that.’
‘Nick wants me to see a therapist also,’ I just offer up my personal shame.
‘Might be a good idea,’ she agrees. ‘But just know that if you ever feel like that again, you can ask me to sit on the bench with you. I’d be happy to.’ Her voice soft and full of sincerity.
I take another shower before bed. I sit on the shower floor and cry.
YOU
You go on walks every day. The conversations stay mostly superficial and you both actively avoid the issue at hand. He says he is doing well, but his eyes are sunken and his smiles do not reach his eyes. It is difficult to judge the truth and even more difficult to know how to help. You decide that being there, for now, is all you really can do.
On this walk he is waiting outside when you walk up and he walks up to meet you in the lane, where you take off to the park area, like every time.
Right where the trees begin, your foot catches on a root and you fall down in the snow. You hear him mumble, ‘Oh shit.’ You feel his hands at your arms, but your jacket is so puffy and big that you have trouble, so you just roll over and look up at him. His face is worried. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yes,’ you huff. ‘The snow broke my fall.’
He snorts out a laugh. ‘Let me help you.’ He attempts, again, to grip you in some way.
‘Hey, just wait,’ you say. ‘I need to catch my breath first.’
He straightens up and puts his hands on his hips. ‘Willow ran away.’
‘She won’t go far,’ you say.
He looks after her and back at you with a frown.
‘Relax,’ you say. ‘Come lay down and look up.’
‘No,’ he says plainly.
‘It’s beautiful,’ you try to convince him.
‘I’m going to get cold and wet,’ he shakes his head, hands still on his hips.
‘You won’t regret it, I promise.’
He sighs dramatically and eases down next to you in the snow. He settles down, and is quiet for a while. ‘What am I looking at?’
‘The clouds. With the sun shining through them. Isn’t that just lovely?’
‘I could have seen that while standing up, though,’ he says, turning his head to look at you.
‘Yeah,’ you agree. ‘I suppose so.’
He smiles a true smile. You see the creases by his eyes, his teeth shows and there is the slightest sparkle in his brown eyes. That is a smile that needs to happen more often, you think.
You lay together staring up for a while in comfortable silence.
‘My ass is melting into the snow, my ass is wet,’ he whispers.
‘Nice,’ you reply. Willow is back and she is sniffing at the both of you, confused by the situation. Noah takes her ball and throws it from his position as best he can.
Both of you try to get up then, but it’s a mess of slips and groans with the inability to move that comes with thick winter clothes. By the time you are upright, both of you are giggling and sweating. ‘Remind me to never listen to you again.’
‘It felt like a moment to enjoy, you know.’
‘Yes, but now it looks like I pissed myself,’ he says while trying to pull his pants to the side so he can assess the damage.
‘It does show on the red, yes,’ you agree while smiling softly at his expression.
‘It’s my loud pants,’ he explains. ‘I haven’t done laundry in a while, so this was all that was clean.’
You put your hands up defensively, ‘I made no comment, other than the wet spot that is visible. I think the red looks good. Makes you visible in the snow.’
‘You can stop teasing now,’ he rolls his eyes, but he is smiling again.
‘I am not teasing,’ you insist.
You play with Willow for a while until she waits to bring the ball back, so she can catch her breath first and her tongue hangs out of her mouth and then you head back.
‘Can I come help you?’ you ask. You had been thinking about asking the whole time, but did not know how to ask directly, so you beat around the bush.
‘Help me?’ he asks with a frown.
‘With your laundry?’ you clarify.
‘Oh no, that is really not necessary,’ he starts. ‘I’ve just been lazy, I’ll do it later.’
You take a moment before you say, ‘I know sometimes stuff can be difficult… when you are not feeling your best.’
He blushes a bright red. He shakes his head. ‘I cannot think how this can be any more embarrassing than it is.’
‘Embarrassing? Why?’
‘I just say and do stupid things around you,’ he rubs his face, like he knows the blush is there.
‘I have been there myself,’ you try to explain. ‘I know what it feels like. And I don’t think it’s anything to be embarrassed by.’
He looks at you briefly. ‘Suicidal?’ his voice so soft.
You simply nod.
‘Oh,’ his reply equally simple.
You decide not to push any further and keep quiet. When you reach his flat, he stops for a moment in the walkway.
‘I can make you coffee and you can talk to me while I do my own laundry?’ he says as a compromise.
‘Deal,’ you nod.
‘We do not know each other well enough for you to see my dirty underwear,’ he attempts a joke.
You snort a little. ‘Can I see clean underwear?’ you ask and kind of regret it as soon as you say it.
He blushes again, realises you were joking and unlocks the door.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean that,’ you make sure to explain.
‘I know,’ he smiles and he puts the coffee machine on. Willow makes herself at home on the rug under the kitchen table.
He brings an enormous basket of clothes from the bathroom into the kitchen while he waits for the coffee. ‘That’s more than one load,’ you say.
‘Yeah,’ he stares forlornly at the mountain waiting.
You take a look around and notice some dishes in the sink. It was not bad at all, but you deeply felt the need to help. He finishes the coffee and you both drink, him leaning against the kitchen counter. ‘You do the washing, I’ll do the dishes? That is not so personal?’
He wants to argue. You see it on his face. ‘Okay,’ he turns and starts sorting through the clothes that was mostly black.
You start to get the things ready. ‘So where does Nick work?’
While you are both busy, he starts telling you about the tattoo shop that Nick works at and the story of how he used to work there too for a while. You listen as he speaks with passion about the art of tattoos. While he waits for the machine to finish, he comes to dry the dishes.
‘Do you also tattoo, though?’ you ask.
‘No, I thought about it, but I’m not talented enough. I brought everyone coffee and went to go get lunch. Stuff like that.’
While he transfers the clothes to the drier, he tells you about how he does music. He produces and helps people write songs. All over the internet. You listen with interest as he explains his job.
‘That so cool, though,’ you say as you start wiping down the counters. The longer you chat, the more comfortable it becomes.
‘It can be,’ he agrees. ‘It’s just difficult for me to be creative when I am depressed.’ He says this casually.
‘May I help you fold shirts?’ you ask, as he dumps his clothes on the kitchen table. ‘I won’t touch your delicates.’
‘Alright,’ he nods.
‘Did you start taking your medication again,’ you ask while you fold a Naruto shirt. You notice he keeps an eye on you.
‘I did, but it takes a few days to work,’ he says. He folds with precision. So, you shake the shirt you were folding out and start again. He smiles at you. ‘Nick counts my pills,’ he adds with a mumble.
‘Does it bother you?’ you ask, smoothing out the material.
He grimaces. ‘I know he does it because he cares. But I hate that he feels he has to.’
‘You are lucky to have someone that cares that much about you,’ you say with a soft voice.
‘I know that,’ he says. ‘Nick has always been there for me.’
You decide you like Nick.
There is silence while you fold for a moment. ‘Can I have your number? In case we need to make arrangements with the walk?’ he asks.
You wordlessly hand him your phone. He takes it and types away. ‘I’ll text you.’
15:42
Did you refold all the shirts I did?
15:42
How did you know?
15:43
I saw you judging me.
15:44
Sorry, I really appreciate your help.
15:44
I had a good time
15:45
Me too.
15:45
Number saved.
NOAH
When I heard Nick rummaging around in the house getting ready for work, I felt so tired and without energy, despite the fact that I slept like a baby. So, I rolled over and fell asleep almost instantly.
By the time I woke up again, it felt like chaos all around me. I groggily open my eyes hearing Nick call my name loudly before he bursts through the door.
‘Jesus fucking Christ, Noah,’ he shouts. ‘Why don’t you answer your phone?’
He is leaning against the doorframe and right behind him, she is looking over his shoulder, panic in her eyes. ‘My phone is on silent.’
‘Are you okay? Why are you still sleeping?’ Nick comes into my room and she turns to leave. I wonder where she is going.
‘I just felt tired,’ I explained as Nick comes closer and sits on the edge of my bed.
I sit up as Nick rubs his face with both hands. ‘Can you please not do that?’ he asks softly. ‘I need to be able to contact you.’
I know why. And I realise what happened here. ‘Sorry, dude.’
When I hear his breathing even out, he says quietly, ‘She called me in a complete panic. She said she came by for your walk and you were not answering when she knocked. And then she tried messaging you and tried calling. She was hysterical, Noah.’
‘Oh shit,’ I say, throwing my comforter off me and swinging my legs over to sit next to Nick.
‘Yeah,’ he looks at me. ‘Never again, Noah.’
‘Promise,’ I say.
‘Have you taken your meds today?’ he asks.
‘Not yet,’ I mumble. ‘I will go do it now.’
‘We made a deal, Noah. And I am not going to hesitate keeping my end of the bargain,’ Nick makes this threat with so much softness in his voice. But I know he means it.
I nod.
‘I have to go back,’ he says. ‘I left a client mid-tattoo. Please go talk to her,’ he gestures his head towards my bedroom door.
Nick leaves and I take a moment to put on a clean shirt before I go looking for her. She is nowhere in the house, so I head outside and I see Nick’s car backing out of the driveway. She is standing with her back to me right against the lane, watching Nick drive off. She starts walking in the direction of her house.
I call after her and she hesitates in her steps for a moment.
‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ she calls back dismissively and keeps walking not really looking back.
‘Hey,’ I call again, half-jogging to catch up with her. I have to get in front of her blocking her way before she stops. She immediately hides her face behind both of her hands and I hear a hiccup, she bows her head down. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say the only thing I can think of. I feel terrible, so much so that I feel physical pain in my chest.
She tries to reply, but I cannot make out what she is trying to say. I grab her by the sleeve gently and pull her in for a hug. She is stiff at first, refusing to take her hands away from her face, but she presses her forehead against my sternum. I rub her back.
The cold started seeping into my feet and since we were closer to her house, I release her from the hug and pull her by the sleeve, since I cannot take her hand, towards her house. She follows without a word. I guide her up the few steps onto her large porch, the windchimes softly tinkle in the breeze. I sit on the chair she has there and open my arms to her and she sits next to me. Now she looks unsure.
‘Come on,’ I say. She leans into me and when I fold my arms around her, she relaxes into it. Her crying is calmer now. ‘So, um, Vincent, one of my friends, kept sending me reels and messages. He is playing Elden Ring and he is obsessed. And the message tone was driving me crazy so I put my phone on silent. I didn’t realise.’
She takes a deep breath to calm herself.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry anyone.’
After a very long silence, she finally speaks. ‘I thought we were going to find you dead.’
I realised their fears, but hearing her say it out loud made it so much more real. ‘I’m sorry,’ I repeat.
She falls asleep leaning against me, my hand resting near her elbow. I look at her without shame when I know she will never know. Her beautiful hair is hidden under a blue beanie. Her skin smooth, her lips pouting while she sleeps. I have watched her from my window for months. This new person walking with her oversized dog. She just seemed nice. Her face so pretty when she smiles. I would tell Nick to come join me at the window when it was time for their walk, and he would tease me about my little crush on the woman who lives down the lane. I never could have guessed at the kindness she would show a stranger.
I must have fallen asleep also, because I am woken by a gentle shake. ‘Here,’ she says. She places a hot cup of hot chocolate in front of me. I am covered in a thick, soft blanket. I sit up quickly.
‘Thank you,’ I say, holding the cup between my hands where the warmth seeps into my skin.
She sits on the chair next to me, and pulls her legs up. ‘Sorry for the big reaction,’ she whispers. ‘I was just really scared.’
I shake my head. ‘Don’t apologise. I was in the wrong.’
She looks me in the eye for a moment. Her eyes are puffy and there is a slight blotchiness to her face from the crying. ‘I feel like I had no right to do what I did.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Like it was not my business to call Nick and meddle,’ she says with a bit of a grimace. ‘But I knew I would have regretted it if… things turned out differently.’
‘I don’t feel like you meddled,’ I took a gulp of my hot chocolate. ‘Thank you for checking on me.’
‘I scared the fuck out of Nick,’ she says.
‘It was all me,’ I say, leaning forward to make her look at me. ‘You were trying to help. You did nothing wrong.’ I take a moment before I add, ‘I’m sorry for scaring you.’
She takes a big breath. ‘Come on inside, I threw a pizza in the oven.’
I followed her inside and we did not speak of it again. Inside her house it was cozy and we ate pizza in front of her little fireplace. Instead of going out for walk that day I play-wrestled with Willow in her living room. She smiled at this and later even laughed a little.
Her phone rang later and she answered. ‘Hi, yes he is here.’
Then I knew it was Nick calling.
‘No, everything is fine, don’t worry.’
I stopped playing around to listen.
‘Oh, I’ll tell him. Yes. Okay, bye.’
I look at her expectantly.
‘He says he is going to beat your ass for not telling him where you are,’ she says with a serious face. ‘He also says he brought dinner home, you should go eat.’
‘Oh damn,’ I say, getting up off the floor and brushing some hair off my pants. ‘I better go.’
She nods and gets up to let me out. Before she unlocks the door, I hold my arms open and hug her, I squeeze her tight. ‘I appreciate that you cared today,’ I whisper at her. ‘I’ll be ready for the walk tomorrow, I promise.’
‘Thanks for being okay,’ she whispers back, her voice small.
‘Next time I feel like I can’t get out of bed, I’ll text you. Let you know,’ I say this as kind of a joke, but she takes it very seriously.
‘That would help,’ she says as she pulls back from the hug.
‘Also, tomorrow, I am coming to fix the railing on your porch,’ I say with an exaggerated manliness to my voice.
She tilts her head. ‘Oh, you don’t have to.’
‘I do. See you tomorrow. I’ll bring both of my tools.’
‘Both?’ she laughs.
‘Yup,’ I puff out my chest.
She giggles more. ‘I can’t wait to see which two it turns out to be.’
‘I’ll keep you in suspense. Thanks, again. Have a great evening,’ I lean in for another quick hug before I thought about it.
‘Enjoy second dinner,’ she says as I hop down the steps.
‘I hope it’s sushi,’ I call back.
20:12
It was not sushi. ☹
20:15
Oh no.
20:16
It was a sausage roll from the gas station.
20:16
Hahahaaaa.
20:17
No sympathy I see.
20:17
I fed you before you left. You’ll be okay.
20:18
Thanks for that, you saved me.
YOU
Noah seriously shows up earlier than your normal walk swinging around a hammer. You cautiously push open the door and keep your distance.
‘Hi,’ he smiles very proud of himself.
‘Hi,’ you try to hold back a laugh. ‘So, hammer?’
‘Yes,’ he emphasises the s.
‘And?’ you gesture for him to elaborate.
‘Oh, I also have pliers, but I couldn’t find them,’ he says with exaggerated sadness. ‘I did bring wood glue, though.’
You nod along in understanding. ‘Do you want some coffee before you get to work?’
‘I’d love some,’ he says, dropping the hammer right there and following you inside. ‘It’s such a nice day out. So calm.’
You start getting the coffee ready in the kitchen and he hoists himself up on the counter near you. ‘Maybe the literal calm before the storm. Did you see the weather report?’
‘No, I haven’t,’ he picks up a bottle of vitamins from the counter and throws it from hand to hand.
‘Supposed to be quite bad.’
‘Nick is planning to visit his sister this coming week, is it then?’ he asks, now frowning in concentration.
‘Yeah, a few days it seems,’ you hand him a cup.
‘I will need to stock up on some stuff,’ he says, taking a small sip to test the heat.
He follows you outside to the porch again, where it truly is a lovely day, the sun shining on the snow. ‘Wait a moment.’
‘What is that?’ he says upon your return.
‘A toolbox,’ you say, placing it next to him. You both sit on the floor right next to the broken slats and sip coffee first.
‘Now you make me look like a fool with my hammer,’ he says. ‘I am proud of my hammer.’
You snort. ‘Your hammer is amazing.’
‘Don’t mock me,’ he starts to laugh. ‘So, what happened here?’ he gestures to the gap in the railing.
‘Willow saw a rabbit,’ you shrug. His eyes widen. ‘She didn’t catch it, but she broke these right off,’ you pick up the planks and bring then closer for inspection.
While he sips his coffee, you sort of absent-mindedly pick up his hammer and use the back to start taking out the nails that were poking out. ‘You’ve used one before, I see,’ he tilts his head at you.
‘I have,’ you smile at him.
‘Well, that is lucky, ‘cause I don’t really know what to do,’ he smirks.
‘Hmm, false promises,’ you bump into his shoulder with yours in a friendly gesture.
‘I was trying to be manly, I guess,’ he takes a large gulp and finished his cup.
‘I think just securing it with some new nails should do,’ you try to look if there was any other damage. ‘Maybe a coat of paint when summer comes around.’
‘Yeah, yup. Sounds good. I think I would have used some wood glue, to be honest,’ he shrugs but has a serious expression on his face.
‘We can add wood glue to the original plan if you’d like,’ you open the toolbox and start rummaging around for some nails.
Noah takes his time carefully applying wood glue and placing the planks back into place. Then he insists on taking the nails from you and hammering them into place.
‘Don’t hit your fingers,’ you say helpfully.
He huffs at you. ‘I’ll try,’ then he hammers with comical gentleness.
‘Can I help?’
‘No,’ he frowns in concentration.
You hold out each nail for him to take and each time, he brushes your hand. Each time a little more than before. His hands were soft, clearly not used to lots of physical hard work. His tattoos clear to you now that you had the opportunity to look.
‘Did Nick do all your tattoos?’ you ask.
He pauses and looks at his hands. ‘No,’ he shakes his head. ‘He has done a few, but I try to get different artists.’
‘How many do you have?’ you ask.
‘Oh shit, a lot. I don’t even know,’ he lines up a nail and gets ready to hammer.
‘Oh, I’ve only seen the ones on your hands and neck.’
‘I have all over.’ he taps at the nail and slowly gains confidence.
You think about that for a second. ‘Which one was the most painful?’
‘They all were,’ he says. ‘Hurts so much. Probably my neck, though.’
‘You must show me sometime, I’d like to see,’ you say.
‘Gladly,’ he smiles again. ‘How does this look?’ he points at the planks that are all back in place.
‘Very good. Thank you, Noah.’
He turns towards you a little, one leg straight going past you, touching you slightly, the other leg curled in front of him. Then he pulls up his hoodie, not taking it off, just exposing his stomach and some of his chest. ‘There’s a few.’
You look for a moment in shock. He was covered, but you were more distracted by how his stomach moved when he breathed. You felt a need to touch, but did not. ‘Whoah, you really have a lot.’
He lowers the hoodie, pulls up his sleeves, then shows you legs by pulling up the trousers from the bottom. Lastly, he turns and lifts the hoodie again, exposing his back. An enormous portrait of Jesus right there. You reach a hand out, without thinking. Your fingertips brush on the thorny crown and you notice a physical response from Noah. The atmosphere shifts.
He turns around a moment after your touch that lingered a little longer than it should have, his hoodie falling awkwardly back down, your hand hovering in the air. He has a frown on his face again, the one he has when he concentrates. He looks at your hand and when it stays there, he lifts his hand up and holds it. Only when he starts to lean in do you look up at his eyes. Uncertainty and hope swimming in the most beautiful brown. He keeps coming closer slowly, he keeps holding your hand. You don’t know what came over you, but there was a magical force that made you lean forward towards him with more urgency than he was.
Your lips come together with slightly more than ideal force, but Noah still lets out an immediate but soft growl. His free hand touches your cheek. Instead of feeling relief that the tension that had been building dissipated, the tension increased. Your whole body was reacting to his lips softly moving against yours.
Without taking his lips from yours, he manages to get on his knees, because in the position he was sitting, he couldn’t get close enough. Now he could gently coax you back and you went along – he had a hand at the back of your head and kept crowding in until you were laying back on the porch between discarded nails and empty cups.
He settled his body next to yours, but you were still touching and you felt his chest as he breathed. He started parting his lips a little and lingered with each graze of his lips.
He was being sweet and gentlemanly, but soon you just went for it. You twisted your fists into the fabric of his hoodie where he was politely hovering and pulled him a little closer, and then you deepened the kiss by sucking his bottom lip between yours. He whimpers and responds in kind. It turns into a frantic kiss, his hand slipping under your ribs to pull you closer. You hook your leg over one of his. ‘Oh fuck,’ you hear him whisper in between kisses.
You hum in response and he softly bites at your lip. You moan louder than you meant to.
Nothing has ever felt this right. Or this good.
By the time Willow interrupts by sniffing and bumping, you had no idea if you had been kissing for a minute or for hours.
He laughs at her and rolls to the side for a moment, fending off the playful licks from the dog. He gets up, stands kind of with his back to you. ‘Where did you come from?’ he asks her and rubs at her ears.
You sit up, and feel the moment vanish, the magic disappear. You feel a twisting feeling in your stomach. You knew what was going to happen now.
‘I’ll be back for the walk later,’ he says, only half turning to look at you. He does smile. But then he is off across the road to his flat. You lay back down and sigh.
‘Why did he have to be such a good kisser?’ you ask when Willow looks at you while tilting her head in confusion.
NOAH
She is not waiting for me in the path as usual. I take my nervous energy and head to her house and knock on the door. She answers with a frown.
‘Just let me get my jacket,’ she says and she disappears. I take a deep breath.
I smile at her struggling to get her one arm into the sleeve and I help her a little. I use the opportunity and take a hold of her hand when it peaks through the cuff. She looks down at our hands for a moment and then I start leading the way.
I had promised myself that I would kiss her as a greeting, but things didn’t work out. So I tell myself that it’s okay. I’ll get another chance.
‘I almost missed the walking time,’ I start with my nervous rambling. ‘I sat down and started playing with some music on my computer. It just flowed so well, and it was almost easy, you know? I found this amazing sample and I fucked with it until it just worked so well. I can’t remember the last time it felt like that. Luckily, I had an – ‘
She had suddenly stopped walking. We were only half way to the park. I looked back at her.
‘What…? Are you okay?’ I ask, stepping closer to lessen the tension on our arms.
She takes a moment, looking at the ground, before she takes a deep breath. My stomach drops. ‘We kissed,’ she almost whispers and then she struggles but tries to make eye contact with me.
I nod. ‘I vividly remember.’
‘You are not acting like you regret it,’ she says, her voice small.
‘What?’ I say, stepping even closer to her, like I needed to hear her better. ‘I don’t regret it.’
She looks at me again and I notice a tiny bit of tears brimming in her eyes. It makes the colour of her iris stand out for some reason.
I am deeply perplexed by this conversation. ‘I don’t understand,’ I continue.
‘Neither do I,’ she blinks a lot to get rid of the tears..
‘You thought I regretted the kiss?’ I ask.
She nods.
I think before I reply. ‘Because I ran off?’
She shrugs, and then nods.
I suddenly realise what it must have looked like. ‘That was not why,’ I try to think of how to explain. ‘I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking clearly.’
‘I was sure you wouldn’t show up for the walk,’ she says.
‘Um,’ I start. ‘I got excited… and just didn’t know what to do. I felt embarrassed.’
Now she looks me straight in the eye, this time I felt difficulty keeping the eye contact. ‘Excited?’
‘I got an erection,’ I clarify in a hushed tone.
She laughed and coughed a little to clear her throat. ‘Oh.’
I turn and pull her with me as we start walking again. ‘I thought you felt it for sure.’
She laughs again, ‘I didn’t.’
‘Do you regret the kiss?’ I ask.
‘Not at all,’ she says.
I hold on to her hand the whole time. We play with Willow. We talk about my song I made, the weather, the hammer I left on her porch.
I walk her to her door and kiss her again. I love the way I have to lean down, but even more I love the way she tilts her head up. She grips onto my arm and I have my free hand on her waist. I feel the swell of her hip, I feel her tiny moan travel into my mouth.
We only stop the kiss when my phone rings. ‘It’s Nick’s ringtone,’ I say apologetically. I answer and he immediately asks if I’m fine. ‘I’m fine, I’m still on the walk. On my way back.’
‘I love that he cares about you so much,’ she says as I hang up the phone.
‘Yeah,’ I agree. ‘Wish he could have waited a little, though.’
‘Maybe a little, yes,’ she laughs. ‘Have a good night.’
I kiss her a few times. ‘I will see you tomorrow?’
She nods. She waves at me from her door when I look back halfway home. All I can think is that she is amazing.
-
Nick is dishing up the food I cooked earlier onto two plates when I walk in. ‘Nick.’
‘There you are, you doing good?’
‘Yeah, I’m all good. Nick?’
‘Can you leave a note, or send me a text? I stress when I get here and you are gone.’
‘Yeah, sorry I will do that. I didn’t think it would take that long. But, Nick?’
‘Did you put lentils in this?’ Nicks asks, pushing the food back and forth with his fork.
‘Lentils are good for you,’ I say.
‘I guess,’ he shrugs and puts the plate in the microwave.
‘Nicholas,’ I say with force.
He looks at me with big eyes. ‘What?’
‘I kissed her,’ I say and then get a stupid grin on my face that I cannot hold back.
‘You did?’ he smiles at me and walks towards me. ‘How did it go?’ he grabs me by the shoulders.
‘I got a massive boner and ran away,’ I say and that kills the grin a little.
He looks at me with raised eyebrows. ‘Goddamnit, Noah,’ he laughs. ‘And then?’
‘I explained and all. It was a little confusing. But we kissed again after all that,’ I say, smiling again.
‘So, it went well?’ We start jumping up and down together.
‘Yeah, it did,’
‘That’s why you lost track of time?’ he asks.
‘It is,’ we stop jumping and then I proceed to tell him everything while we eat at the small kitchen table.
YOU
07:11
I can’t make the walk today. See you tomorrow. X
You read the message and wonder about it while brushing your teeth and getting dressed. The knock on the door surprises you a little and when it’s Nick you are nervous immediately.
‘He is not having a good morning,’ Nick says.
‘What does that mean?’ you beg for clarification.
‘He does not want to get out of bed. I offered to cook him breakfast and tried making jokes. He is not feeling it,’ Nick explains. ‘This happens every now and again. I was wondering if you could just check in on him today. I am a little worried after the whole thing.’
You nod while you are still processing what was asked of you. ‘Any advice?’ you ask.
‘He usually just needs to wallow a little. Don’t push too much,’ he smiles with the wrong emotion. ‘Call me if there’s anything.’
Roughly half an hour later, you let yourself into the flat with the key Nick gave you after the incident where Noah’s phone was on silent.
You tried to be as considerate as possible, but you had an idea what this felt like, so you decided to do what you wished someone had done for you when you were like this.
You walked to Noah’s bedroom and softly knocked on the door. ‘I’m fine, Nick. Go to work already.’
‘It’s me,’ you say just loudly enough for him to hear.
He is quiet for a moment and its almost you can hear him process the information. ‘Come in?’ he says like he very unsure whether that is the correct answer to give.
You crack open the door and don’t step inside. ‘Hey,’ you smile at him.
‘Hi,’ he says. You can see he is not okay.
‘May I come in?’ you ask with a small voice.
He grimaces. ‘It’s not that I don’t want you to, but I am not going to be good company today, and I haven’t brushed my teeth and I’m a mess. My room is a mess.’
You nod a little. ‘I would love some bad company.’
He rubs his face. ‘I am embarrassed,’ he says.
‘Don’t be. I get it,’ You still stand in the door. ‘If you really don’t want me here, I’ll go sit in the living room and watch some tv. No pressure.’
He frowns at you. ‘You can come in.’ He seems reluctant still.
You step inside. The only thing you notice that bothers you is an empty beer can near his computer. But other than that, it’s not really messy at all. You stand next to his bed. ‘Move over,’ you say softly, while taking off your shoes.
Still with utter confusion on his face, he moves to the side and without preamble you climb into his bed with him. ‘Roll over,’ you instruct again. You wiggle up behind him and without being too intimate or too close, you let your arm rest over his waist, holding him.
‘You letting me be the little spoon?’ he whispers.
‘Hmmm, you are not feeling good. So, I get to be your big spoon,’ you say and move around until you are comfortable and settle down. You feel how he relaxes surprisingly quickly. You register how his pillow smells like him, and how warm his body is.
‘Thank you,’ he whispers so softly you almost didn’t catch it. You tighten your arm around him a little.
***
He fell asleep fairly quickly, but it took you some time. You were not really tired to begin with and you were thinking about him. But eventually you drifted off too.
When you wake, he is on his back, his lips gently parted with his head slightly tilted towards you. Your arm still at his waist, but now resting across his stomach. You feel him breathe. His long hair spreads out on his pillow like a halo.
You moved to get up, thinking about getting him some water or something to eat, but as soon as you moved, he made a sound and placed his hand on your arms resting across him. So, you stay. You study the light freckles across his face, his eyelashes, his straight nose, the slight stubble forming on his upper lip and chin. You see his eyes move under his lids. You remember the last four days where he came by for a second walk each day, but you knew it was an excuse for extra hand holding and kisses and you happily played along.
‘Mmmm,’ you hear him after a while, sleepily stirring awake. He says your name as a question.
‘I am here,’ you whisper back.
‘I thought I dreamt you were here,’ he mumbles. He turns on his side to face you.
‘Can I get you something? Something you eat?’ you ask.
‘That’d be nice,’ he says. ‘I’ll come with you.’
‘It’s okay. Let me,’ you say.
But without arguing more, he gets up and pads behind you into the kitchen where you pour some water into a glass and then take out a lunch tin where you packed some stuff for him to eat. He has his arms crossed around his middle, like he is cold.
‘Where did that come from?’ he asked.
‘I brought it over,’ you explain.
He takes a bathroom break and the two of you sit at the kitchen table and eat a few crackers with cheese. It’s mostly silent. He carries two glasses of water back to his room and you get back in bed. This time, without words, he curls up into your body and rest his head on your chest. He almost clings to you. ‘Thank you.’
NOAH
I wake up and my head is halfway between her shoulder and chest. She has her hand slowly trailing over my back. She is soft and warm and smells good. I feel peaceful for a moment, and I treasure it because I cannot remember the last time I felt like this. When I move to stretch a little, she looks down at me.
‘Hey,’ she says with sweetness.
‘Hey,’ I groan and I stretch some more.
‘How are you doing?’ she asks, her hand has not stopped moving across my back.
‘Right now, I am good,’ I say, wanting to say a lot more.
‘You were mumbling a little in your sleep,’ she says, her voice is low.
‘Did I say something stupid?’ I ask.
‘No, you didn’t really say anything.’
After a few moments I ask, ‘I love that you are here with me. But didn’t you have stuff to do today?’
‘I had a few things, but it wasn’t important,’ she explains.
‘I’m sorry if I held you up.’
‘You didn’t,’ she reassures me. ‘I was thinking, however.’
‘Should I be worried?’ I ask.
‘I think you should come stay with me when Nick goes to his sister,’ she says. ‘With the storm coming, I think it would be smart. If you want to, of course.’
I think about it for a few seconds. ‘That honestly sounds great.’
‘Yeah?’ she smiles softly.
‘We should get stuff so we can make s’mores,’ I say and I turn my head to kiss her collarbone. I see the goosebumps rise on her skin and climb up her neck.
She takes a shaky breath before she says, ‘Good idea.’
I kiss up her neck and her response is more than I expected. Her breathing is deep and her eyes are closed by the time I get to her lips.
‘But I was thinking more along the lines of,’ she takes a breath. ‘Making sure we have enough wood for the fireplace.’
‘Mmmm, we need a fire to make s’mores,’ I kiss behind her ear.
‘We need fire in case the power goes out,’ she twists her hand in my shirt.
‘That too, I guess,’ I kiss her slowly. She kisses back.
‘We need actual food, too,’ she leans in this time, whispering this right in my ear. I get goosebumps despite the subject matter.
I start working my hand under her shirt. I go slow, because I don’t want to push too far. She tenses a little, but she doesn’t stop me and instead she grips on to me tighter with her head tilting back in slow motion and I have to take advantage of the exposed skin. ‘We could go shopping,’ I mumble into her neck. I move over soft skin, then I slip my hand over her bra, cupping her breast, she very subtly pushes up into it.
‘Maybe a flashlight. Some extra batteries.’ Her voice is breathy.
‘So practical,’ I say, teasing a little. ‘Can I push your bra out of the way?’
She nods and I pull it up.
‘I knew God gave me big hands for a reason,’ I say as I fit one breast in my hand and I feel her nipple on my palm.
She giggles a little.
I just decide I need my mouth on the flesh I’m holding, when we hear someone come down the passage to my room. I take my hand out from under her shirt and she pulls her shirt back into place and then the door bursts open, ‘How are you doing… Oh.’
‘Nick, you should fucking knock,’ I say.
‘I thought you were still sleeping,’ he says apologetically. ‘I’m sorry for interrupting.’
‘Hi, Nick,’ she says with a grimace.
‘Hi,’ he waves. ‘Thanks for checking up on him.’ He nods his head in my direction.
‘No problem,’ she says and pulls the blanket up higher even though there was nothing to hide.
There is a moment of silence where no one knows where to look.
‘I’m leaving,’ Nick says.
‘Yeah, bye,’ I call after him.
‘We weren’t even doing anything untoward,’ she says indignantly.
I snort at her choice of words. ‘We were not completely innocent, though.’
‘No,’ she sighs. ‘Are we supposed to feel guilty?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘We were not breaking the rules.’
‘Good, ‘cause I don’t feel guilty,’ she smiles a little.
‘Neither do I,’ I quickly kiss her lips.
‘But I’d better go,’ she pouts a little. ‘When is Nick leaving for his sister’s?’
‘Tomorrow morning. He’s probably back early to pack or something.’
‘So, you’re in for the storm sleepover?’ she asks.
‘Definitely. We go shopping tomorrow morning, for real? I’ll pack some stuff for myself also,’ I get up and stretch and she follows.
‘Okay, great. I’ll see you tomorrow then,’ she seems unsure of what to do with herself.
‘Thank you for hanging with me today,’ I say while pulling her in a for a hug. ‘It helped a lot.’
‘Anytime,’ she mumbles against my chest. ‘I had a good time.’
23:43
I am trying to sleep but I keep thinking about stuff.
23:44
What stuff?
23:44
Your boobs.
23:45
Sorry if that’s a lot. But they were comfy to sleep on.
23:46
I am also thinking about stuff. But more like your hands on me.
23:47
That was awesome too, btw.
23:48
So… how are we supposed to sleep then?
23:48
I don’t know.
23:48
Let’s just think about the stuff. Maybe we will dream about it.
