Okay no joke, shit that turned my life around: From a clinically depressed, neuroatypical shut-in who used to get panic attacks on my way to the grocery store:
1. Through little baby steps, build up your self-confidence. Take note of your successes, and try not to minimize them. Maybe even keep a list on your phone of tiny victories. Smalltalk with a stranger? Success! Try a new food? Success! Washed a plate even though it was really really hard and you really couldn’t make yourself do it? Success! If it was hard for you and you did it anyway, you’re killing it!
2. Go somewhere regularly, and be kind to the people there. Maybe you buy a drink at the same place once a week, or perhaps you take the same bus home every night. Say hi to the barista, say Hi to the driver, say Hi to the person you always see at the stop. It doesn’t have to be anything complex! Just “Geez, it’s cold out today” or, “How’s your shift going?”. Once you open the door for interaction, people will feel more comfortable with you. Sometimes they’ll start to initiate. You’re not the only one struggling for community! Lots of others are looking for friendly faces!
3. If you really, really can’t get yourself to stop thinking self-depreciating thoughts, at the very least try to avoid saying them out loud. A few years back, if I fell on the sidewalk, I’d freak out, tell myself I looked like an idiot, say something about being a disaster, and run away. Now? So many options. “Bitches wish they could be this graceful”. “Parkour”. “Guess I live here now”. “I am a God laid low”. “I am as Icarus, who flew too close to the sun, and was punished for his hubris.” People love to laugh, and it feels good to make people laugh! If you can laugh at yourself, bad things stop feeling so bad. And if nobody laughs? “I am underappreciated in my time.” Sucks how people can’t get on your level, queen.
4. Say yes to things! “Want to go to my cooking class?” Sure! “Want to hang out sometime?” Take a leap! “Have you ever been to a ping pong tournament?” Level up! Try as any new things as you can, and if it goes badly? New story to tell at parties! Sure, it might be nerve wracking, and I’m not saying to take dangerous risks or go into things you know you hate, but over time, it gets easier to be spontaneous and do things yourself!
5. Plan things! Start group chats! Take an interest in people’s lives and hobbies! Anyone wanna come to your place and watch a TV show you love? Anyone want to go thrifting? I’m headed downtown in 10, anyone want to join me for coffee? Offer!
6. Show you care. As I said, other people crave relationships just like you. Would you like it if someone at work remembered your birthday? Would it be nice if someone heard you got married and took the time to get you a card? Would you love if someone took an interest in your board game collection? Build those bridges! Don’t fake an interest in something you aren’t into, but try and see what they see, and if you *do* enjoy it, you’ve got someone to enjoy it with!
Families aren’t built out of thin air. A big part of making them work is working on yourself, and being dedicated to being the best person you can be. Kind, reliable people attract kind, reliable people, and if you surround yourself with people you admire and respect, you’ll find that the future isn’t really all that scary at all.
It’s hard. It’s going to be hard, and for a long time it will seem like you aren’t making any progress at all, but if you try your best, I promise a few years down the line you’ll be able to look back at yourself and see a completely different person, and you’ll be proud.
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