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[thecryptkeeper]

how it feels to drink water out of a mason jar

[notahorseindisguise]

ALSO..some more masturbation facts about me. theres a nonsexual scene in a book where a kid gets spanked for some reason. it was set in like the 40s and he was in a boarding school i forget. but i think i either misread the scene . or maybr the author actually did write this and theyre just fucking weird. and i thought the protag got hit (with like a ruler or something). on the penis instead of on the arse. and i remember my 11 year old brain being like. i wonder why i think that would feel good.

and so my first ever "experiment" with masturbation was. slapping my dick with a ruler. and when that felt good. my first ever way of masturbating was. stacking heavy books on my penis. and then hitting the top book. so that the force was distributed down the series of books. into my penis. and of COURSE it didnt work i was punching books into my dick but it laid a strong foundation for a great gooning career . hey everyone PLEASE pretend you didnt read this post

[beemovieerotica]

was at a bar and a 50+ year old drunk white woman complimented me and my friend's outfits, told us there was a campsite up in northern maryland where a lot of gay bears go to have sex in the woods. we asked her how she knew about this and she very aggressively said "because i'm a FAG HAG!!! but i'm not allowed to say that anymore I GUESS!!!"

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

thinking about the time I made a post saying I was watching American Psycho and some overactive good citizen came sprinting from the woodwork to go "make sure you remember that the book was written by a gay man and the movie is directed by a woman and it's not glorifying Patrick Bateman!!!" yeah cheers man I was def going to go start killing people with an ax if you hadn't said that

[winged-void]

just remembered that my middle school bullies were named Chase and Hunter. what was up with that. what was going on there.

[smoqueen-deactivated20251108]

from like 9 to 12 i would try to fall asleep by ‘making’ a new seinfeld episode in my head. i would open with a jerry seinfeld standup bit that was almost nonsense (its not like i can write standup like he can at 10 years old) and then it would be jerry and george arguing about a girlfriend i made up with some kind of pointless issue (”she wears bigger pants than me, jerry! everyones gonna know, who wears the pants!”) and then kramer would walk in. by that time id be almost out

[smoqueen-deactivated20251108]

I should also say i was ‘typing’ out the dialogue with my hands as if they were on a keyboard, but my hands were across my chest like a vampire

[segamascott]

[dogpuppy]

[quantum-dragon]

[just-spacetrash]

in my little pony universe youd go to a job interview and theyd be like so how does your cutiemark reflect your dedication to this position. And every time youd have to spew some bullshit about how your cutiemark of two tennis rackets actually means youre a team player and good at multitasking and view the market like a playing field. or whatever. and you wouldnt even get the job

[worldmovingslow]

husband: I'm so glad we finally have our own place! You did such a great job decorating it, honey

fujo wife: Really? You don't think it's kind of...chintzy?

[unconventiononthelawofthesea]

atheist quarterback throws a hail darwin

[akindlyowl]

agnostic quarterback throws a hail maybe

[orpheuslament]

lets out one truly pitiful little whimper & then goes back to doing fucking whatever

[tonysopranoproskater69420]

I don't fw anything anymore...

[seanofbeankeep]

Imagine getting expelled from school for being an atheist and years later that school builds a monument to you but of your dead drowned corpse with your dick out.

They do it all classy though but still

[melonwah]

[cryptotheism]

Poppers? Like jalapeño poppers??

Yeah sure