In love with being around you because I felt like you saw me as I am. I felt myself be whole by myself while I was in this pocket of space you create. The different times I was invited into the space you used to hold for yourself. A space where I said yes or no and it meant something.
I would try to hold events like this myself, to feel safe in these spaces I would fabricate. I found so much peace in hosting, in nurturing. I watch you nurture like I do and the comfort I felt with that attached me to this idea that I wanted you around for forever.
I genuinely found myself staring at my blades, thinking about what they meant to me. I had this protector that was herded and controlled by so many. Never had need of any other protector as long as I had the ability to control *myself*.
The blades were never for harming another person. I talk this talk of stabbing and daggers. I know what it is to sink it into flesh because I used to punish myself for the thoughts I had. Thinking about carving up anything led me to carving my own skin.
Revenge, I fucking hate revenge. I hate it more than jealousy because my mother was FILLED with revenge and hate HER WHOLE LIFE. SHE STILL IS.
No nurturing occurred, she loved to split my mind open with an Axe and watch the different children spill out of it.
My father had every idea of what she has done. He is her clean up crew. High on being the hero of my story he would come "rescue" me from the locked closet or bathroom. He did not do this every time. He was not home to know that she dragged me, rag dolled me like a stuffed animal. I love that stuffed animal moose. I have identified with it my whole life. I picked what I wanted and I did not let go. I got punished for it in the store and it only made me fight harder for it.
I was an infant and my craving was to cling to something. Finding safety when my father and grandfather would fall asleep with me on their chests on the couch. I was so small, I was held to their hearts and I was soothed by the rhythm. Nothing else mattered to me for so long. Hearing a heartbeat was enough, feeling the life in someone's chest was enough to soothe me, it still is. Compression or pressure on my body forces me to feel my own heartbeat, forces me to humanize myself.
An unsafe practice, falling asleep, wanting nothing but some beating thing to cling to. Wanting someone to cling to me.
That is why I took the first thing offered to me. The first offer of commitment I leapt at. I never thought I would have to fear being alone again. Though they were false, the promises of connection and affection were false, tied my future up with a sloppy knot and expected me to repel off the cliffside. I am everything in his world just as I am nothing. He created this image of me through cutting up pieces of me and attached it together to look how he wanted. With Elmer's glue barely holding it together, barely holding me together...
To follow my dream I will loose everything and with my family's penchant for suicide, I am afraid the disconnection would ruin my dream and drive. Afraid that I will experience a chemical death again.
Leads me to enjoy tattoos
I have designed a tattoo of two 'Pallid Swift' birds swooping under my collar bones
The pallid swift is a powerful bird, wings that make up more than half of its beak-tail length.
Wings so large that they have to crawl when they walk.
They can glide through intense storms with ease and precision
Relying on an internal magnet, internal compass for up, down, horizon line
Consenting to being loved, consenting to softness, do you consent to me? Would you consent to my deepest imaginings of our vulnerability? Is your worship just as empty as you portray your heart to be? You asked for friends with benefits, you wanted to know if we connected sexually and I wanted to be recognized as a human being. I have every fear. I do not have one giant fear that freezes me. I have all of the fears that my brain can possibly imagine and I fight them constantly. It is not a moment where I expect to win or triumph.
I expect to face each fear and to turn it into something beautiful. A fear of the unknown has become a craving for knowledge and understanding. A fear of miscommunication has me learning to not calculate a possible response, but to study someone's actions and responses that they choose to make and take.
jbbartram-illu
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
izzy806
ellievsbear
annaxmalina
romaincrisis