also i think there is a larger issue at play here, which is how white-liberal ideology around the construction of "proper" behavior has done a number on how conflict vs. safety, and safety vs. comfort, are conceptualized in collective spaces, where for example any confrontation or interruption to actually address something potentially unsavory is seen as an escalation, borderline an act of violence the way it disrupts everyone having a good time, and "letting it slide"/moving past something/redirection is seen as a de-escalation and the righteous choice of "not taking the bait" or "being the bigger person" or whatever self-pat on the back. that is not what de-escalation is. conflicts and disagreements aren't inherently dangerous, and trying to prevent the existence of conflicts by entirely ignoring the issue because confronting it is uncomfortable and we do not want to "escalate" is not how safety is achieved.
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