soliloquies

Making it all about me. Welcome to (very) personal slices of life, slightly chaotic nonsense and random messy interests / F / 40+

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Alright, I don't want this to be a single theme dedicated blog, i've already done those and I just can't because I'm multithemed, plentythemed, versatilethemed and what not. I don't want to feel trapped or talk about stuff that would feel out of place because it doesn't fit the blog pattern. So this time it'll just be plain chaos.

You are welcome.

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The coolest thing about having your period is the blissful and wholesome feeling of having fucking peace and quiet for a few days and not needing to justify why you don’t want to have sex tonight.

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By constantly inventing a life for myself in my head for so long, I fear that when senility strikes, I won't be able to distinguish between my imagination and reality, and I'll just rehearse my dialogues aloud like a crazy old woman.

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I found white hairs down there... The end is near

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Who needs drugs when you have hormones

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I'm pretty sure Cosmo Jarvis is a very kinky man (in private) and I loooove that about him

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Telling my brain to shut the fuck up so I can sleep is not the greatest night routine but that’s where we're at lately I guess

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Karma's a bitch and I'm fucking here for it. She has NEVER disappointed me.

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I sometimes think of the scene where fleabag confesses her love to the Priest and he says "It'll pass" and reflect on what exactly hurts me so much in this exchange. I guess it's an incredibly cruel thing to say but I think it's so hurtful because you know that ultimately it's true, it will indeed pass. But at that moment you want it to last forever, you want eternal happiness, not the gloomy reality that love has an end.

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So many years and this still fucking hurts

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Nocturnal

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Cosmo Jarvis

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Watched Shogun twice in a row and still feel the need for more. I want more Cosmo Jarvis looking confused and puppy-eyed. And undressed. Damn.

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My best friend when I was a teen had a cousin with whom they had some kinky games as kids. I have a relative like that myself. We used to play mom and dad when we were kids and sometimes we touched each other.

After a while it became so usual that I didn’t even flinch when he would show me his dick.

We grew and the games naturally stopped on their own as we reached adolescence. No hard feelings, we actually never even felt embarrassed in each other’s presence, we also never mentionned it out loud. Also, we've never felt any kind of attraction to each other; that could sound weird but we're not blood related at all actually so it could have happened.

We're very far from that time now, have families of our own and usually meet for family holidays, sunday lunches and Christmas eves. We talk series, movies and video games. Nothing too personal, just chill conversations.

He's been separated from his wife for a couple of years now and we've spent a part of the summer holidays together this year. Which is cool, he's actually very funny and good company. One evening we were talking with his teenager kids about the mean things their father did to them and I joked about how he used to annoy me when we were kids. He really did. Actually when we were not in a lewdy curius mood, he usually was a bit mean to me, making fun or pinching me. I told them that (about him bullying me, not the lewd part of course) and as I did, the memories of these games came back to mind when our eyes met. I'm pretty sure he was thinking about it too.

After that, I had a kinky dream about him, or just an impression that he had been on my mind and I woke up horny. I found it strange given the lack of attraction between us, but didn’t give it much thought.

However, at the last family gathering, the way he looked at me seemed different. Or maybe because he actually looked at me. I mean, more than usual. I don’t know. He brought up some subject about how a man and a woman can’t really be friends because the guy will always have a lewd thought on his mind and go for it at the slightest green light, just casually though, just to release the tension. That it happens often between friends and even between exes. I found it funny but it made me wonder if he would fancy having casual sex with me, perhaps that was some kind of veiled message?

Well, I'm not single (yet) and I've lost some weight lately. I've noticed some looks I receive have changed and I do feel much more attractive like this. Not there yet but I definitely see my young self coming back slowly. I think that he's finding me more attractive too now and it’s probably just that. And that he's horny.

Anyway, it’s giving me some matter to think about when I go to bed and I like that.

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In that time of the cycle when I make weird lewd dreams. Had that one with the actor who plays in Tracker where he grinded his bulge against my ass, and another one where a coworker of mine slided his huge c... well, that one was nearly porn. Very, very weird. But keep them coming!

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I thought it was happening... but no, because i'm fucking scared and just let it slide again. But something’s afoot, I can feel it. Time to prepare.

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Decades later, binging Sex and the City again and NOW, I finally get the appeal. Mr. Big’s appeal.

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I've recently figured out how to do my hair (it’s curvy, not as easy as it seems), learned how to do my make-up properly too, in a way that it looks natural but also elegant and clean, and now I'm taking my health and shape in hand, working out, eating right, having my daily steps in and loosing weight in a patient and durable way. The forties ain’t that bad after all.