एइला लावनी

The Earth Grace

[eilavani]

I’m tormented. How supposed I function well, with the fact that half of my soul being ripped away from me? We were collided into one the moment you landed your lips on mine. We became one yet you seem just fine, apparently it’s only me. My imagination. My fantasy. I was too busy falling for you, it’s all rose tinted glass.

—fin.

[eilavani]

There’s no use in begging. I beg you please to reconsider it once again.

There’s no use in begging. What about us?

There’s no use in begging. All the dreams that we had?

There’s no use in begging. What about Evangeline nor Kaneishia?

There’s no use in begging. Do you still think about Micah?

There’s no use in begging. I’m sorry for being such a giant needy pile of mess.

—fin.

[eilavani]

And there we are, perfectly tattooed inside my mind. Wonderfully and magnificently crafted as an utopia of the dream we used to pictured together.

And there we are, frozen in time. This night is sparkling with all the stars above us along with the enchanting city lights. Yet I couldn’t take my eyes off you.

And there we are, side by side. Your heartbeats make such a lovely symphony, I could listen to it forever. Your innocent baby face sleep peacefully next to me, I swear I’ll trade my whole life just for that sight to engraved and never fade out of my thought.

And there we are, no more. As the time passed by.

—fin.

[eilavani]

My soul freeze in that moment, I’ve been soulless ever since. The time paralyzed every atoms in me, I bleed out to the point my heart turned white. There’s no me anymore.

—fin.

[eilavani]

Your clothes still lingering on my closet and the pain still there lingering deep inside me. Right now you’re wearing the shirt I gave and pouring yourself out to someone else. I’m pretty sure she knows that she is caring for someone who has already been taken care of, how sinful that thing is.

—rin est triste

[eilavani]

And one day when I wake up in the morning, it isn’t that painful anymore.

Yet the other day it just eating me up, consuming every bit of me.

And there’s another day where I just keep on making excuses, millions of ‘em just to comfort my sad pathetic ass.

But after all that’s how unstable life is, like a goddamn rollercoaster. So, shall we enjoy the ride instead?

—rin est triste

[eilavani]

I ripped myself apart

Pieces by pieces

Just to complete parts of yours

I sacrifice myself

Each day

Just for the sake of your validation

I kill myself

Tonight

Just to avoid the farewell between us

—rin est triste

[eilavani]

Semesta itu baik

Semesta tidak berdiam

Semesta hanya punya waktunya sendiri

Semesta tidak dapat dipaksa

Semesta hanya bekerja secara sukarela

Semesta mempertemukan

Semesta pun yang memisahkan

-la cicatrisation

[naughterful]

you are the one you’ve been waiting for all of your life

[eilavani]

The Not So Bad 2k19

It’s almost the end of this year and it’s also the end of this decade. I can say that I’m not exactly the same person I was as I step into 2019. This year is quite awakening, from the fact that I need to accept I had an epic fail on my uni life to the bad breakout (oh gosh bless my skin). 

But, this year make me realize where my break point is and I try to make peace with it. I mean everyone have this all time low and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s human nature after all.

I can’t lie, I’m stressed out, I’m burnt out, I’m exhausted and I definitely need a break. This semester slap the spirit of life out of me lol.

But I’m going to be better and all the path I need to walk on will show itself in front of me. Everything’s gonna fall into the right place. I may not be the woman I thought I’d be when I reach my 20′s about 5 or 10 years ago but I’m sure this is where I’m supposed to be, this is a chapter of my life that I need to finish in order to reach another one.

Cheers to the messy life of 20′s.

[eilavani]

Then Came You

I just finished this movie. At first I thought this one just gonna be cliche like The Fault In Our Star, Calvin and Skye met in a group talk for cancer patient. That’s why I had this thought “just some cliche movie I guess”.

Turned out, IT’S NOT.

Skye is a dying girl who want to complete the list she made before she die. There’s Calvin a boy who suffered from panic attack and he have this belief that he somehow gonna die soon. 

An odd friendship they have there, but they really are perfect for each other. The free-spirited Skye help Calvin to appreciated life more. Calvin is this awkward and shy boy that at first disturbed by the presence of Skye but eventually help her to finish her list. 

A lot of crazy things on her list and Calvin is always there by her side (such good friend rite!). From stealing something, trying to use a lie detector, get arrested, etc (Skye is wild af guys). But the truth is she really is fragile and terrify.

It’s just fun, touching, heart-warming movie. You guys should add this one to your movie list because this one is just light and fun to watch (minus the part where Skye make another list right before she die).

[eilavani]

Crazy isn’t it When you feel like You already meet the one

You’re really know that you always can count on that person You’re really happy with the fact that person is exist in this world You’re really want to spend the rest of your life with that person

I mean a lifetime is such a long time But it doesn’t bother you You still want to spend the rest of your life with that person

One day there’s gonna be a miniature of you both Maybe the baby will have the father’s nose And beautiful eyes just like the mother’s

But right now Let’s just be happy And hoping for the best

-eilavani (cet homme est la fin de moi)

[eilavani]

Dear My Future Daughter

It’s fine to not look a certain way. It’s okay to not get that hair extension nor to not get yourself under the knife. My dear beauty isn’t pain, beauty isn’t starving yourself and beauty isn’t the opinions of others. It’s within yourself. I myself still learning to accepting myself at this very moment I wrote this for you. But believe me you’re created with all the love in this whole universe and there’s no better you than you are and you’re very precious to me. 

So if you ever think that you’re not beautiful enough, thin enough, tall enough, etc. I will remind you how wonderful you are, you have the biggest heart and the smile that can melt the north pole. It’s just, you’re more than enough and it’s not your job to convince others to find you that way.

-daily (190801)

[eilavani]

Surat Tuk Tuan

Teruntuk tuan disana

Bukannya saya ingin bersikap rakus dan saya juga tidak ingin anda menganggap saya terlalu ingin lebih. Jangan jua mengganggap saya terbawa perasaan, karena jujur saja sangat sulit untuk tetap berfikir jernih disela setiap afeksi yang anda beri. Saya hanya ingin anda menegaskan perasaan, karena anda tahu sendiri bahwa perasaan bukan untuk dimainkan tuan. Bukannya saya menuduh tuan hanya bermain, tetapi tanpa adanya kepastian pasti akan selalu mengundang tanya bukan. Tuan, jujur saja. Tidak akan saya berubah sedikitpun karena hati ini laksana karang, tidak pun sedikitnya terpengaruh dengan ombak yang terus menerus menggerus dirinya. Apapun perkataan yang keluar tidak akan menggugurkan rasa yang telah bersemi.

Tuan,

Sudahkah siap bicara sekarang?

-eilavani (cet homme est la fin de moi)

[eilavani]

Falling

Falling for you is just like free falling from cloud nine but you make the gravity feel so sweet. It’s way too risky yet I take it anyway.

Falling for you is just like drinking pain killer, I’m perfectly fine when I’m with you. It’s addicting yet I take it anyway.

Falling for you is just like flying trapeze. Fun, thrilling, exciting, frightening yet I take it anyway.

Falling for you is indescribable to be honest.

-eilavani (cet homme est la fin de moi)

[eilavani]

I really am grateful

For all the little things

Such as your smile

Such as me that laying down next to you

Such as our love

Yesterday when you said that you love me

I glance at you

Trying to find a glimmer of lie there

I couldn’t

I simply couldn’t

Yesterday when I cried in your arms

I feel so safe

Like I’ve never been before

But that time

I know that everything’s not gonna be okay

But I’m glad for having you

I’m glad that you’re right now being a part of my tiny little world

I’m glad for our little infinity

I’m glad that you’re right now loving me

The way I’m loving youー which is so much

-eilavani (cet homme est la fin de moi)

[eilavani]

oh dear something bigger than us human being, out there may my heart will always be as strong as the crag on the edge of the land, buffeted everyday by the rough seas but still stand toughly against it may my feet will only lead me to a better path than I’ve been the day before, so I can grow as a person more and more each day I live may my brain will always guide my heart that sometimes blinded by the sweetness, hatred, sadness and loneliness

-Lavani