I couldn’t sleep. So when I finally returned home, I didn’t even bother going inside. Instead I stripped down out of my armor, undid my hair and walked across the grounds with no particular destination in mind. My feet simply kept brushing against the grass as I lost myself in the sound of the evening forest. The fireflies were out again, twinkling every so often as if to accompany the music. I might have paced around in large sweeping circles for hours or maybe it had just been a few times, but regardless I didn’t grasp where I truly was until I sat down on one of the old benches that bordered the treeline.
My thoughts were everywhere and while I could focus on each of them in time, it didn’t stop the buzzing noise in the background. Half of me was dwelling on Velest and how I’d decided to call her a friend. I know any man would have laughed at such a stupid proclamation and interpreted such words as something less than what they should be. I think that’s the problem when it comes to what I think. I tell myself I don’t make friends. I don’t call people friends. I don’t look for friendship. That’s become my rule, one I rarely break. Yet if I do, then in my heart, that is the pinnacle of my declarations.
People want more though. They always want more than that.
She continues to be a rarity. She simply accepted it and if anything, maybe some part of her understood the real meaning for me. She even made the promise I asked and I want to believe it. Do I though? … I’m not sure yet. All I know is that I’m tired of losing precious things. I don’t want to feel that numbing pain. I just want to be left alone and yet… I don’t understand myself. Why? Friends or not, why am I letting myself care? Why can’t I stop?
In mindset, I found myself wondering why I bothered to look after Eledris’ people at all. They should know what they’re getting into by working for him, although a part of me wonders if they actually do. Maybe they’re blinded by the gold or his insufferable quips. In all likelihood, they’re simply being fooled. I was that same fool once and despite it, I still tried to save him. It didn’t work and all that came of it was he dragged me through his mud.
I guess I’m still trying to find a way to save him. Save them. Perhaps that makes me the biggest fool of them all.
As long as she’s there though, I don’t think I can just look away. There’s got to be a way around it though. I can toss extra coin towards Eledris and pick up more contracts, but I don’t know if I trust that for a long goal. She could figure it out. He could screw me over. I have to think of another way and most importantly, I need to leave. There has to be a way to do that, while still having their best interest kept high. Fel… again, why the fuck do I care? I don’t truly know many of them. They’re just brief glimpses and idle conversations. They’re not a family that I’m sworn to protect. I’m not under any contract. Is she really the glue or is it more to that? Is it him? Both?
All of those ideas and more were churning in my head, but as the hours waned on and dawn began to threaten the horizon, I realized there were no answers for me here. They weren’t the kind of questions that I could mull over and puzzle out, but rather I had to simply keep moving. Only time and action would grant me insight or a response and right now and I didn’t have the luxury.
The most important thing for me to focus on was my upcoming job. The small attack on Lain reeked of fel magic and demons. It was eerily similar to the intel this new contract had given me. Something was definitely in motion and my instincts were screaming that it was them again. Even if there was just a small chance, I had to take it. Besides, if I didn’t snatch it up then there was a risk that it would be left to someone else and I couldn’t let that happen. There was no way I was letting anyone go- not after what I’d been through and there certainly wasn’t room for distractions.
In a few days, I would be leaving. If all went well, the contract would only take about a week. If all went well, it would simply be a coincidence and I’d just have to put down some idiots dabbling into shit they didn’t understand. If all… well, I knew I shouldn’t push my luck.
Sitting in the darkness, I felt a faint twinge of knifing pain in my shoulders and below my hips. Often mistaken as tattoos, the marks were smooth like supple glass and had faded to a crimson color out of dormancy. Just phantom pains, I told myself, but the recollection of where I’d gained them made me uneasy. Uneasy, yet hopeful.
I really wanted to kill more of those bastards.
[[ Mentions: @velestemberlight @eledris @lainjumps The gifs are also mine! I had so much fun drawing and animating them just a tidbit. Might post them separately in the future to show their real size for better detail, I dunno!]]
