running up that hill

eli jeong. 33. good intentions, bad follow through.

[elijeong]

ofmaya​:

“I mean… has anyone really tried it?” Maya questions, bursting into a laugh while trying to ignore the embarrassment she felt. Truth to be told, there’s nothing as nice as watching her dog interact with others, and getting along with them. Socialising wasn’t as easy for Benji, so that was a nice change. “The ginger one, with the blue collar.” she responds with a smile. “I’m still trying to teach her how to be calm while walking on a leash. Benji gets excited about everything, especially birds.” 

.

“I’m sure someone has,” he replied, grinning, before it fell into an exaggerated grimace. Likely, many someones had. His eyes trailed off to the direction she was looking in, eyes settling on the dog that matched her descriptions. He couldn’t help but smile as he saw his own dog run up into a play bow in front of her, further proving all it took for dogs was a simple sniff. He glanced back at the other woman with a laugh of commiseration. “God, that’s Hew but with squirrels. And chipmunks-- I’m pretty sure those cute little bastards are out to get him.” He beamed with the pride of a father-- a thought that hit a little differently these days-- and offered a hand. “I’m Eli, by the way.”

[ash-cassidy-archive]

who : @elijeong​

where : eli’s apartment

He wondered if Valentine’s Day ended well for anyone. Hearing about the bomb that imploded on Eli at the gala, Ash couldn’t help but empathize. Mistakes happened, especially when it came to feelings. Everything felt all tied up, tangled in on big mess. Sure, he also felt bad for Caroline and the woman pregnant with Eli’s baby - Theo. None of it made Eli a bad person in his mind. Maybe it was his own way of rationalizing his own mistakes. Opening the flaps of the cardboard box, he sighed softly. “So, how are you feeling?” He knew the answer wasn’t as simple as the question.

Ever since Ash met Eli, they hit it off really well. They hadn’t been the closest, mostly due to the fact that they never lived in the same place. Ash felt it important to be there for the man, somewhat worried he didn’t have many people to rely on in this town. Helping pack up his apartment was the least he could do. With Caroline gone, and unsure of where he stood with this Theo woman, he could imagine this all felt very lonely.

[elijeong]

Eli had been avoiding people in this capacity. With Caroline gone, but much of her stuff still left behind, the shame lived as much around him as it did inside him. He knew what he’d done, knew what the outcome would be, and yet, still found it in himself to feel wounded in a way that told him he was still surprised. Surprised that she’d left, maybe. And perhaps that was selfish as well. He wanted that redemption arc, wanted to make amends, wanted her to understand that even though he’d gone about this all wrong, it would still be the best for both of them in the end.

But in the end, all he’d been left with was an empty apartment full of their shared lies. 

Eli was grateful for Ash, though. He hadn’t been hit with the questions or accusations that he expected-- deserved even-- and the question that did finally come from Ash’s lips was one Eli found he didn’t mind answering. Even if he didn’t exactly know the answer. He paused, looking up from the box of Caroline’s things and laughed once without humor. “I’m... I don’t know, man. I can’t help wishing I’d done things a little differently.” His mouth twisted to the side a little as he considered how much he should share. “What does it say about me if I’m also kind of relieved this part is over with?” 

[mayxlee]

starter: open / @crescentstarters​​ ​ location: a random dog park around 13:20 pm

“Look at her. She’s been here for half an hour, and her social life is already better than mine.” she responds, taking in the sight of her dog Benji interacting with her new four-legged friend. If only things were as easy for Maya. “I don’t get it. They smell each other and suddenly they’re best friends. How does that work?” Perhaps it had to do with all the sniffling. It had to. Catching a silhouette out of the corner of her eye, it took no time for May’s face to turn red.“—-”

[elijeong]

While Eli’s focus remained on Hewey, the golden retriever currently in a play bow, his tail wagging madly with excitement as he found himself surrounded by friends, he cocked his head in acknowledgment of the question, a chuff of a laugh escaping him as he nodded in agreement. “I mean, personally, I’ve never given it a try. Maybe the dogs are onto something here.” He laughed, mostly to himself, and glanced over at the woman who’d spoken. “Which one is yours?”

[rob-pattinson]

STEVEN YEUN W Magazine Best Performances Celebration › 2021

[drisleyivy]

@crescentstarters​​

Location: Sweet As Sugar Bakery

As the bell over the door rang, Julia looked up, a smile touching her lips. She held a tray of freshly baked pecan tarts in her hands, and she slid it onto the counter, grabbing a pair of plastic gloves and a spatula before staring to add the tarts to a platter. “Hi! she said brightly, offering them another smile. “Is there anything I can get you today? Or maybe you’d like to place an order?” She smiled softly. “We can make you whatever you’d like, although I really recommend the apple and cinnamon creme caramel cakes.” She giggled. “It’s a mouthful to say but it’s very yummy. And it’s a wintry dessert so we won’t be making it much longer.”

[elijeong]

Eli’s entire life was in an upheaval. Things with Caroline seemed destined to remain forever unresolved if the mostly-empty apartment, her resignation from Crescent General, and her move back to New York was any indication. There was a part of him that felt a very small amount of relief-- which was bathed in shame if he thought about it for too long-- at the fact that at least now, he was free. 

The bright greeting from the girl behind the counter shook him from his thoughts and he ran a hand through the hair at the back of his head. “Apple and cinnamon creme caramel cakes,” he repeated slowly. “Sure, I’ll take one of those.” He pursed his lips as his eyes raked over the menu without really seeing. “Got any suggestions for scary pregnant woman cravings?”

[elijeong]

carolinerhodes​:

The feeling of Theo’s eyes on her forced Caroline to look in her direction, the faintest hint of recognition running through her as she moved her gaze to the woman’s face for the first time. They had taken a yoga class together and Caroline was almost certain she had even mentioned her to Eli when she got home––not by name, or even description; simply that she had met someone she had gotten along with, though it seemed Eli got along with her a bit better than Caroline had. This recollection flashed through her brain in an instant, and just as soon as that thought had come, it left as she glanced down and noticed Theo’s stomach, every thought she had entertained up to that point now suffocated by the realization that Theo was pregnant.

It was all Caroline could do to maintain a neutral expression. The idea of crying was more embarrassing than she could tolerate, no matter how desperately she wanted to give in to the burning sensation behind her eyes that threatened to send tears spilling down her cheeks. If Eli could do this to her––cheat on her, humiliate her, abandon her––then he wasn’t worthy of eliciting emotion from her; at least that’s what she told herself to choke back the gasp that she could feel inching its way out. Her innate ability to control––to control herself, to control her emotions, to control everything around her––was the only thing standing between Caroline and even greater indignity, so she clung to it. She clung so hard that as Eli began to speak, it almost didn’t reach her ears, his voice a million miles away.

As the initial shock began to wear off, Caroline took in a deep breath, prepared to handle this with as much maturity as she could muster––not out of respect for the other two, as they clearly had no respect for her, but rather out of respect for her own image. Before she could offer a thought of her own, however, Eli managed to snap her out of her contemplative daze. You deserve better than this. You both do. Both. A word had never stung her so deeply. She was sure Eli hadn’t even meant anything by it, but the implication overwhelmed her and she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even now, as he offered to talk to her in private, he wasn’t thinking about her. Her. Only her. His fiancée. It was then that Caroline realized she couldn’t even have him to herself now––completely to herself, to have him think of her feelings and her feelings alone in the midst of him leaving her––and the urge to cry left her. She knew it would return when she was home––a word so precariously defined now that she was unsure whose home their apartment even was––but for the time being, it was replaced with nothing but disdain.

“Oh, should we?” she derided, a slight quiver still evident in her voice despite herself. “You know what, I don’t think we need to, Eli,” she continued, his name never sounding so foreign coming out of her own mouth, like she was listening to someone else talk, watching someone else’s life fall apart. “I think I can piece it together myself.” She took a step back and turned to leave, curious to see if Eli would move to stop her or simply let her go. After all, he did love to take the easy way out.

.

Time stretched out on a line between them, each second suspended, drawn out, dangling on the edge of a blade. He switched between watching her closely, and needing to look away as it all played slowly across her face. He expected anger, he expected sadness, he expected disgust. Honestly, he deserved it. He expected her to slap him. Or maybe he just wanted her to.

But her words struck a blow sharper than hand or fist. Perhaps it was because, for a moment, a part of him wanted to let her leave. A part of him-- some cowardly, disgusting part that longed to be free of consequence-- wanted to take that easy way out. But that wasn’t the kind of man he wanted to be. That wasn’t the kind of-- the kind of father he wanted to be. 

And while it hadn’t been the right kind, he had loved Caroline. He had loved how much his parents liked her, how easy it was to let her fit into the pieces of the life they had carved for him. Maybe they could have been happy, if he hadn’t known that more was possible. But Caroline, for all the ways she could be unwavering or stubborn or need to cling to control, had a burning passion in her that Eli never would have appreciated, never would have loved the way it deserved, the way it demanded. He was trying to find a piece of that man now as he reached out, first with his hand before he thought better of it and dropped it back to his side, and then with his words, “Caroline.” 

He was all too aware of Theo’s presence, all too aware of the delicateness of the situation, and his voice threatened to waver, to give away just how weak he truly was. “I have done all of this so wrong, and I know that. I can’t change that--” wouldn’t change it, his mind offered, when his eyes slid to Theo for a moment and back again, “--but I want to try to do better where I can. I know it’s too little too late, I know the damage has already been done. And if you want to leave, I won’t stop you. I’ll do whatever you want. But I am not running away from this anymore.”

[tylerposey]

STEVEN YEUN W Magazine — Juergen Teller (2021)

[elijeong]

theobowman​:

carolinerhodes​

His empty apology wasn’t the worst answer that he could have given her, but it was close enough. Listening to his words––which felt like a punch in the gut and absolutely nothing all at once, the reality refusing to set in––elicited nothing but a blank stare from Caroline. She felt, perhaps for the first time, that she had been rendered speechless, her brain simultaneously turning the present situation over while going completely blank. She could hear Eli very clearly––he was sorry, he couldn’t marry her––and yet, one phrase reverberated through her mind like a mallet striking a bell. This is not how this was supposed to happen.

“Supposed to happen?” she repeated, doing what she could to keep her voice steady, though she could feel the emotion welling up in her throat, threatening to betray the unaffected visage she was managing to put on with some success. She took a brief pause, wanting the weight of Eli’s words to fill the air between them so that he could acknowledge how ridiculous they were to think, let alone say aloud. How was someone supposed to leave their fiancée? The woman who loved them? She could concede that he was right on one front: it wasn’t like this, on Valentine’s Day, at a party, in front of another woman. The fact that he hadn’t even excused her or asked to speak to Caroline alone hurt more than anything––more than the way he had been treating her, more than the way he treated her now, so unemotional in the face of his own infidelity. Of course, he hadn’t explicitly owned up to that yet, but Caroline was no idiot, despite the fact that Eli seemed so intent on making one of her.

“How was this supposed to happen, Eli?” she finally spoke up, eyes narrowed as she stared at him, as if she didn’t even see Theo in the room. She didn’t want to see Theo in the room. Wasn’t she at least owed the dignity of being heartbroken and humiliated in private? Did her embarrassment demand an audience? “How exactly were you supposed to tell me that you didn’t want to marry me?” And suddenly, a worse thought occurred to her––worse than his attitude, than his cheating, than the fact that his mistress stood behind him now, looking at her. “How long have you known?”

.

Theo didn’t move as the new person entered the mix. For a moment she had been fully prepared to, not so kindly, tell them to go away. But then she realized who it was. That realization coming more from the words than the face. A face which she quickly realized wasn’t completely unfamiliar. The woman was the one she’d been next to in yoga. Caroline, she remembered. Caroline had complimented her leggings, and they’d even bonded over their shared hatred of the instructor. She hadn’t seen her since that day, but she remembered liking her. Specifically, she remembered thinking how Caroline had seemed to be the type of person Theo could have seen herself being friends with.

Now this. It had been one thing finding out herself. She had been devastated. Devastated and embarrassed. And that had been in the comfort of her own home, the news coming from someone she’d known her entire life. Caroline had found out by stumbling into a private conversation. Theo shifted herself so that she could get a better view of Caroline, her eyes connecting to Caroline’s own. 

.

It felt as though his mind was still grappling with the fact that Caroline was truly here, that this was really happening, so when he opened his mouth to speak, no words came out. He didn’t know what to say. He hated the look on her face, hated even more that he’d been the one to put it there. He had nothing to give her to fix this.

He only had the truth.

There was the feeling of movement behind him, and he knew that in it, he no longer had any truths to tell before they revealed themselves. It all felt cheaper somehow-- as if he was only owning up to the part he played because he had to. Because it was there, in broad daylight, unable to be ignored. But because he knew he deserved this, he dropped his head, drew in a deep breath and expelled it with a weighted sigh. 

He made himself look her in the eye as he latched onto the few words he could. Even if they weren’t the right ones. Even if they weren’t the practiced ones he’d wanted. “I didn’t want to do this here. Like this.” 

Caroline’s question was a punch in the gut he should have seen coming. How long have you known? He didn’t want to do this in front of Theo, didn’t want Caroline to have to look these choices in the face as he told her about them. She deserved so much more than that. 

He had truly never hated himself more than he did in that moment. 

“You deserve better than this.” He turned his head to look at Theo briefly before he looked back at Caroline. “You both do.” His expression softened into something almost pleading. “We should talk about this in private.”

[elijeong]

carolinerhodes​:

theobowman​:

She had always been the type of person who loved or hated fiercely. There was very little room for grey in her life. As she’d gotten older though, she found that far more difficult to live with. People were complicated and sometimes there were explanations for situations. It didn’t change the hurt, or whatever wrong had been committed but it provided reasoning. So instead of pushing him away, she listened. As much as she hated to admit it, she still had feelings for him. The revelation should have changed that, but it didn’t. Even if it had, he was with her for the foreseeable future. They were having a child together.

He had let her go before, and she had been devastated. It was a quiet hurt that she had kept to herself, but it had been there. She’d quickly missed the text messages and surprises, and most of all- his presence. And all of it had gone in a snap. So quick that it felt like in the blink of an eye she missed all of it. One moment she was taking him to meet her family and the next they were two completely separate people. 

Theo knew she was lucky to have a great relationship with her parents. She was reminded of it every time she saw them, or received a phone call or text. The beginning of her life could have marred all of it, she knew this. Theo hardly had any memories of Desmond Bowman, and the ones she had of Zhanna were darker. If Darla and Daniel hadn’t stepped in, Theo’s life would be completely different from the one she had now. She’d gotten lucky, and she absolutely knew it. It hurt to know that Eli didn’t have that with his parents. “Then you have to tell her.”

It was enough that she had slept with him while he was engaged to someone else. The fact that she was pregnant because of that complicated things even more. But what she wouldn’t be is the other person. The two were close to begin with, so she didn’t have to move her arm very far to press it against his chest. “If you want me then you need to do that because it’s not fair. To her or to me.”

.

Caroline hadn’t expected Eli to run after her when she left him at the bar––he never had been the type––but she had expected to see him by now, if only so he could ask if it was time for them to go home and continue icing each other out in private. She had committed to standing strong––to pacing around the B&B, biding her time until Eli finally made the first move. She was determined to test the bounds of his indifference; was it possibly limitless enough to let her stagnate until the crowd cleared out and went home, leaving him with no choice but to find her?

She had walked off to be alone––completely alone, rather than just overlooked––in the hallway that led toward the bathroom. Every few minutes, someone would walk through––a couple holding hands, a set of friends giggling among themselves––and each time, she’d put her phone to her ear or furrow her brow to appear busy, distract from what she was actually doing: hiding. It was during one of these performances that she felt her phone buzz in her hand, and she breathed a quick sigh of relief, certain that Eli had finally waved the white flag in the form of a text. Instead, she peered down at a shelter-in-place alert, her resolve to wait out Eli growing thinner by the second.

It took another five minutes for Caroline to cave––something she rarely did––and set off in search of Eli. A text to him had gone unanswered, leading her on a walk of the B&B’s ground floor, peering in and out of empty rooms and occupied corners with little luck. She approached another door and she opened it just slightly, finding that it lead to the B&B’s small library. Figuring that she wouldn’t find Eli there, she begun to close it behind her before she heard his voice. I don’t think I could do it again. About to open the door fully, certain that she’d find him talking on the phone––to who, she wasn’t sure––or engaged in a conversation with a coworker, she froze at the sound of a woman’s voice. Then you have to tell her.

Suddenly, Caroline was positive she had simply misheard, though the urge to confirm that overwhelmed her. Her brain was telling her that she had simply wandered into a couple’s private conversation––that she was imagining Eli’s voice because she wanted to find him––but the fact that she knew what she heard, that she was never wrong, that she would know his voice anywhere compelled her to take a step into the room. She had braced herself to find two strangers, to laugh it off––’oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think anyone was in here’––and close the door behind her. She hadn’t actually expected to find Eli, standing with another woman, her arm draped tenderly across his chest. She stared for what felt like an eternity, unsure of what the look on her face even read as, unsure of what she was even feeling––confusion, anger, a longing to be wrong for the first time in her life.

“Tell me what?”

.

Eli was already nodding, already forming the speech in his mind. He knew Caroline deserved better. She’d deserved better from the start. Where he found her to be domineering, he knew someone else would find her endearing. Where he thought her to be uptight, he knew someone else would think her organized, inspiring even. It had been selfish in its own way-- he was realizing now-- to follow his parents wishes for him when he felt none of the fire she deserved. To marry her because of them when it should have been because of her. It seemed so clear now. How had he not seen it before? 

He opened his mouth to say yes, he was going to tell her. Not here, though. Not surrounded by strangers in an unfamiliar town. She deserved better than that too. And though his hands ached to rest over Theo’s, he resisted the urge to touch her. “I--”

Tell me what?

Eli’s head snapped up, swiveling in the direction of the voice he knew far better than he wished to in that moment. He longed to be mistaken, felt ice bloom where the warmth of Theo’s touch had lingered. No. This was not how this was supposed to happen. He blinked, as if it might erase that look on her face as he turned to her. 

“Caroline--” His voice sounded frail, the sound choked off by the lump that had suddenly formed in his throat. He was to blame for this, he knew. The past few weeks with her, where he’d been standoffish or rude or snappy, came flooding back, threatening to sweep him away with the guilt that ran like rapids. Telling her the truth had been enough of a daunting task. Waving it in her face in the middle of a Valentine’s Day gala? It wasn’t fair. He didn’t want this for her. 

But he’d made a promise to himself, to Theo, to Caroline herself, that he was going to be honest. So, he didn’t make any moves to step away from Theo, merely situated himself between the two women, almost as if shielding Theo from Caroline’s ire. “I’m sorry.” The words sounded cheap, like the silver-painted plasticware that set the tables in the ballroom. “This is not how this was supposed to happen. This is not how this should have happened. I--”

He dropped his head, some part of his heart acknowledging that this was about to hurt. This was about to get messy. This was about to happen in front of Theo. “I can’t marry you, Caroline.”

[elijeong]

brandonwintcr​:

.

“You’re still a nerd, though,” Brandon teased, offering his friend a shrug. “Then again, so am I.” They’d come a long way since then, both men having settled into careers and taking the next steps in their personal lives; marriage for Eli and fatherhood for Brandon. “Right over here,” Brandon stated, leading Eli to the bar area but not opting for a refill on his own drink - not yet, at least. He could sense a bit of discomfort when Caroline’s name was mentioned and decided not to press the doctor on the subject of his fiancée. Brandon didn’t know the story, whether there was an argument between the couple that caused tension and wasn’t going to pry. 

“I actually got notified this morning that I’ve officially been assigned to a foster child. He’ll be joining me next week, it’s… a new territory, but I’m excited. I can’t believe it’s happening so quickly, but I’m ready. I’m gonna be a dad, you’re gonna be married. We’re all grown up, huh?” Of course, there was going to be more to life after this point for them both. “To the journey ahead of us both,” Brandon toasted yet again.

.

Eli shrugged in a way that clearly said can’t argue with that, the curve of his mouth a whisper of a smile that felt more genuine than it had in days. Following alongside Brandon, Eli tried to line the words up right in his mind. He was exploding with them, honestly, but he wasn’t sure what it might have said about him if the first time he chose to tell the truth, it was to someone not at all involved. So he chose to stay quiet instead. 

He ordered himself a glass of wine, leaning on the counter as he turned to look at his old friend. He was disappearing into his own thoughts when Brandon suddenly spoke. Eli’s head jerked up as the words repeated several times in his brain in an effort to sink in. It was the word dad that struck him like a punch to the gut-- a reminder that allowed him no moment to rest. But this wasn’t about him right now and that made it a little easier to push through the haze of his own shitstorm of a life and focus on Brandon. 

“Holy shit, B. Way to bury the lead. That’s awesome, man! I’m happy for you.” And he was. Even as he stumbled over his own sip of wine at the toast. He held up his glass, clinking it against his friend’s. “To your future as a father,” he toasted, carefully choosing his wording to omit any future with Caroline from it. There was no future with Caroline. “You’re going to be one of the good ones.” 

[andrew-kwonrp]

[elijeong]

carolinerhodes​:

Of course, Caroline hadn’t expected one night to remedy whatever had rendered Eli so sullen, but she figured that it would at least make him try. Give the bare minimum. She deserved that, at the very least, and his complete disinterest elicited nothing but a blank stare from Caroline. She had to stop herself just short of asking him what doing her own thing would have looked like. Absolving him of a week or two of insensitive behavior had been easy so far, but Caroline couldn’t shake the embarrassment she felt every time she bumped had into a colleague tonight, explaining through a forced grin that Eli must be around here somewhere. She may have had a handful––or less––of friends in the room, but had he really imagined that she was off with them and their significant others––partners who hadn’t separated from their side the moment they walked through the door. Suddenly, though, that seemed preferable to standing with her fiancé, who was making her feel like an unwelcome third wheel, despite the fact that there was no one there to compete with––you can come if you want, clutching his drink with more fervor than he would hold her hand had she offered it.

Unwilling to let this devolve into an argument as the entire town stood idly by, Caroline nodded and moved toward the bar. She figured she could use a water, anyway, seeing as she desperate for something to hold, if only to distract from the fact that she and Eli weren’t touching each other at all, a stark contrast to the couples that surrounded them. “I’ll have a water,” she muttered as soon as they reached the bar. She wondered how far the limits of Eli’s apathy extended and was curious if he would even bat an eye if she had ordered a drink. He’d probably offer her a refill, she ruminated with spite. Uncomfortable with the obvious silence, Caroline spoke just to fill the air, “What are you drinking?”

.

It was a flawed logic from the start: ignoring Caroline when he could, keeping it short when he couldn’t. His guilt had manifested in ways he was not proud of, in snippets of arguments when all he needed to do was nod and it would have sufficed. It was how they worked best-- Eli, who never fought her on anything, who said yes and no and maybe when he was supposed to, and Caroline, who domineered the relationship because he’d allowed her to believe it was what he wanted. He’d allowed her to believe she was what he wanted.

He was going to tell her. He had to tell her. His secrets had an expiration date and it had become impossible to ignore his heart. Here-- in the middle of a Valentine’s Day gala-- was not the place for it. But he vowed to himself that he wouldn’t prolong this. Not anymore. She deserved better, Theo deserved better. His child deserved better.

Reality threatened to slip in again, threatened to sharpen his tongue, so he only nodded as she agreed to follow him to the bar. He had anticipated his attitude might turn her off. The fact that it didn’t only made him feel worse. “Just wine.” Though, he would have preferred something stronger. 

Silence lingered as he waited for his drink and he’d never found it so difficult to find something to say to her. Even if it had been without substance before, at least he could give her something. But there was a disconnect now, one that he couldn’t breech. One that, maybe, he didn’t want to. But the silence urged him to say something, so he asked, “Are you having a good time?”

[elijeong]

theobowman​:

.

She watched uncomfortably as he struggled to explain whatever his reasoning was. When he asked if they could speak somewhere more private, she paused. She should say no- no one would blame her. But when she looked at him she still felt the same surge of emotion she had before. 

“Fine, let’s go.” Theo grabbed his arm and pulled him along behind her until they were a safe distance away, tucked away in the corner of some room that seemed safe enough. “Go on then.”

.

Even in the midst of the chaos, her touch was still electrifying. Each footstep felt heavy behind her, the words lining themselves up in his head, even as none of them felt like enough. They weren’t enough. The beginning and the end of it was that he had been weak. From the start, he had been weak. Ten years ago, he’d been weak. Three months ago, he’d been weak. 

He was going to try to change that now.

Eli drew in a heavy sigh, slipping his hands into his pockets as he studied the ground a long moment before he looked up at her. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” It was a weak start and he wanted to kick himself for it. He shook his head as if to clear it and try again. “I don’t have an excuse, Theo. If it had been anyone else, this never would have happened. You--” Another sigh and he pinched the bridge of his nose. This didn’t feel like the right way to say it, either. “I have had one path to follow my entire life. Get an education, become a doctor, get married to a doctor, have children who become doctors. I have never been allowed to want things. And I know-- God, I know-- it sounds like a flimsy excuse and it probably is one. But this has been my life, Theo. I didn’t know anything else.

“And then I met you. And you weren’t part of the plan. And ten years has gone by and I saw you again and... I’ve never stopped wanting you. This life that I’m living right now? It was the plan. It was the thing I did because I knew I was supposed to. But you, Theo. I--” His words choked off, hands reaching into the empty space between them as if they could fill in the words in his heart that he couldn’t seem to say. And if he said the words that now waited behind his teeth, clung to them like toffee, he knew how bad they would sound. But he’d promised to be honest. “I don’t love her. Not like I should. This engagement was for my parents. It was part of their plan. But I don’t think I can follow their plan anymore. I tried once. I let you go before. I don’t think I could do it again.”

[elijeong]

theobowman​:

.

“I’m engaged, Theo. I have a fiancé, Theo. I know I nearly fucked you in an outdoor paintball range but I’m engaged, Theo. Hey, Theo, I know we’re about to fuck after running into each other at the bar but you should probably know that I’m engaged.” She could have listed off a thousand more ways of letting her know, but she stopped herself. Part of her had wanted to run into him, and now that she had she was finding it hard to contain herself. It was embarrassing, to say the least. To find out the man you were pregnant by was actually not only seeing another person, but was engaged to them. “Never talk to you again? Do you honestly think that’s possible?”

No, it wasn’t. For more than one reason, she told herself. She didn’t want to stop talking to him. It was something she hated to admit, but knew to be true. Aside from that…they were about to have a baby together. There wasn’t the possibility of not talking. “Do your best, Eli. Go ahead.”

.

Eli merely bowed his head, each word a blow that landed exactly where it was intended. “It’s-- there’s--” Eli sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. “I know I fucked up, okay? I know that.” 

His eyes danced along the crowd in a single, desperate sort of sweep and he stepped in a fraction closer. “Can we go somewhere a little more private? I’ll-- I’ll tell you everything. Whatever you want to know. Just not... here.”

[elijeong]

carolinerhodes​:

Location: Pear B&B, Valentine’s Day Charity Gala. Status: Closed, @elijeong​.

Caroline had always been a strong proponent of the idea that if you needed to solve a problem, you had to face it head-on, and yet, for the past week, she had found herself tiptoeing around her apartment, and her fiancé, like an intruder. It was hard to ignore the tension that had been mounting, and yet, Caroline had been; after all, she had never met a challenge she couldn’t conquer. It was just the occasional rude remark that she had to disregard, but it stung, specifically in place of Eli’s usually amiable manner. He had never been the most enthusiastic wedding planner, more the type to look over her shoulder at her prompting and nod yes to whatever she had selected in his absence, so when he started snapping at her over the color of the tablecloths––something along the lines of how she’d simply pick the one she liked best anyway––and everything else, she found it easier to look the other way than confront the reality. Caroline––ever the optimizer, never one to run from a problem that needed a solution––was reluctant to admit that something was, indeed, plainly wrong with her relationship at the moment. The words caught in her throat every time she even entertained the idea of asking Eli what had happened to shift his mood so drastically. She imagined him saying nothing, brushing her off with the belligerent attitude he had suddenly adopted.

Asking Eli whether or not they’d be attending the Valentine’s Day Gala had been met with his newfound apathy. He agreed, with no excitement, and Caroline now found herself standing in the middle of an unfamiliar venue, scanning a crowd of unfamiliar faces to see if she could find her fiancé or if she had simply imagined his presence altogether. Once she spotted him––the most familiar person in the room, despite the fact that he had been acting like a complete stranger––she approached him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder with the expectation that he’d shrug it away. “Are you going to spend any time with me or should we just go home?,” she asked, her voice almost bored.

.

It wasn’t as though Eli didn’t realize he was single-handedly responsible for hurting two people he was supposed to care about. His interactions with Caroline had been whittled down to short fuses and irritation that had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the fact that he was actively conscious of what he had done-- what he was doing-- and yet, found himself unable to stop. 

He couldn’t help the slight jump as her hand touched his shoulder and he nearly jerked himself back when he realized who it was. He wasn’t sure what they were even doing here, if he was being honest. But to be fair, he supposed he wasn’t sure what he was doing full stop. He knew what his heart wanted and as he turned to look at her, he knew it wasn’t Caroline.

That guilt made his eyes fall to the floor and he wished there was more than a single sip at the bottom of his glass. Her words followed with a blow of their own a moment later. “I figured you were off doing your own thing.” The words were quiet and he still hadn’t made any attempt to meet her gaze. What needed to happen next warred with the fallout of the revelation. He knew he was on borrowed time, but he couldn’t seem to make himself move in the right direction. “I’m going to get another drink,” he said after a moment, eyes still on the drink in his hand rather than the woman he was supposed to marry. “You can come if you want.”

[elijeong]

theobowman​:

.

Theo hadn’t looked over before speaking, she’d simply called out to the person nearest her. If she had, she would have seen him and could have said something other than a question about juice. The part of her that hoped she’d see him flared up, and for a second she almost reacted in kind. Almost. “Can you kiss my ass?” She replied back, words curt and cutting. 

.

He deserved this. Honestly, he deserved worse. He deflated even as he felt a sudden surge of desperation for her to hear him. Maybe he hadn’t handled it well before and maybe he still didn’t know what the hell he was going to do, but he was overwhelmed by the need to do something. “Please,” he said, voice raw. “I know you don’t owe me anything, but at least let me... try to explain. I’m not trying to make excuses. If you never want to talk to me again, that’s--” God, just the words hurt to say, the thought of being cut off from this forever, just-- “Please.”

[elijeong]

theobowman​:

valentine’s day gala 

status: open, @crescentstarters

Theo had a plan for telling Eli she was pregnant. The plan had been something she thought about detail by detail, but all of that had gone out the window the second she found out he was engaged. She wouldn’t have believed it, but then he’d confirmed it himself. So she’d responded, angry and bitter, by telling him that she was pregnant. There was no cute reveal, and she certainly hadn’t expected the response she’d gotten. Which was something along the lines of ‘Are you sure it’s mine?’ For a moment she felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. He hadn’t said it in a judgmental way, but she certainly had taken it as much. 

It would have been easier to miss the gala and stay home. To put on a documentary and zone out, but Theo loved dressing up. And as much as she hated to admit it, there was a small part of her that hoped she would run into Eli. If only to tell him just how angry she was. Currently, however, she was stationed in front of the alcoholic beverages section of the drinks staring longingly. She hadn’t been a big drinker prior to getting pregnant, but now that she was she definitely missed having a glass of wine every so often. “You wouldn’t happen to know where the juices would be, would you?” She said to the person who had just approached the set up.

.

The air was sucked out of the room the moment his eyes landed on her. He’d been a coward, slinking into the shadows to process, returning to his life as though a bomb hadn’t just detonated over all of it. It hadn’t felt real at the time-- still didn’t, if he was being honest. But seeing her now. 

His baby. 

Their baby.

He was a coward and he knew it. But he found himself making his way towards her anyway. As if he could ever fight gravity. As if he could ever fight inevitability. Her voice sliced through him as he stepped up beside her, his heart in his throat. He didn’t know what to expect, his voice pitched low as he asked, “Can we talk?”