☁️Ellio☁️

A Space Cadet, Agender, Ace, and existing.

[elliothecloud]

A Space Cadet Introduction~

My name online is Ollie

Age: 26

Gender: Agender

Pronouns: He/Him/His and They/them/theirs

Sexuality: Asexual Panromantic/Apathromantic

🅂🅄🄿🄴🅁 🄸🄼🄿🄾🅁🅃🄰🄽🅃 🅂🅃🅄🄵🄵

Diagnosed with Insomnia, C-PTSD, ADHD, BPD, Dissociation, Bipolar 1, and stress induced Psychosis/paranoia.

On medication and in therapy.

On a weight loss journey to achieve gender euphoria/better medical health.

ミ★ Fun And Random Stuff ★彡

My hobbies include: Yoga, Photography, Video Games, Card/Board games, Witchy things, Stuffed Animals, Music, Books, Writing, Anime, Swimming, etc.

I love animals and have pets. Rodents are my favorite types of animals. I also have a hyperfixation on sharks.

Adult TV I like is Supernatural, Hazbin Hotel, River Monsters, National Geopgraphic, Euphoria, Strange Evidence, True Blood, I Was Prey, a ton of anime shows, etc.

I enjoy kids shows such as Bluey, Octonauts, Pokémon, Miraculous Ladybug, Hello Kitty, Rilakkuma, Gloomy Bear, and Bananya.

I consider myself an Omnist and an eclectic witch who is constantly learning new things. I practice spell jars, crystals, candles, divination, and deity worship.

[elliothecloud]

Top Surgery A Run Down~

Here is the process I went through last Thursday for Top Surgery and the run down to help educate others and answer others questions.

1. Got up early for a 5:30am check in. Showed up at 5am instead to figure out where I'm waiting at and enter the hospital as well as parking.

2. They weighed me first, got me into a pre op area, made me pee in a cup, and did vitals. Then they set up an IV in my arm to prepare me for when I get the anesthesia. After thirty minutes my partner was able to be in there with me while we waited for my operation.

3. By 6:30 am I met the whole team and got to ask questions and my surgeon came in to doodle marker on me. Around 7:15 am I was in the operating room and under the knife for two hours tops. I did not keep my nipples so it was a shorter length of time to operate and there was thankfully zero complications during surgery.

4. I woke up from loopiness for twenty minutes then fell back asleep around 10am. By 1pm I had gain consciousness and was officially awake. Expect to be exhausted and just silly for a bit. Also, different people have different pain tolerances so I was able to immediately walk around and use the restroom but that is my body specifically.

5. Around 2-2:30pm I was able to go home. By 4pm I was laying down. Could not lay flat and still cannot lay flat. I have an army of pillows behind me constantly and I am sore as hell. Finding a sleep position can be uncomfortable and tricky.

Since then, I have been home resting for five days now. The first three days eating and drinking I needed help with. I can feed and drink myself now but have to be very careful. The first three days wiping me after peeing I needed help with. Now, I can wipe the front but I still need help with the other area. I am still not able to shower so I use huggies nonscented wipes on my back and tummy around my binder as well as down below. I need help combing my hair still. The pain comes and goes and sometimes its like seeing stars but majority of it is just soreness for me now. I sleep a ton right now and honestly sleep will lessen your pain I've noticed. The more rest the better but also make sure to try to walk around or sit up at times to prevent clotting or numbness or problems.

Things I bought that have helped: A Mastectomy Shirt with pockets to put the drainage bags in and keep them safe. A mastectomy pillow for once the drains are out. Scar tape to help heal once my wounds are closed and healed enough. Stool softeners because pain meds can cause constipation horribly. Water a lot of water. Melatonin because most supplements and vitamins and prescriptions will not be allowed. (still double check with your surgeon if you want melatonin after surgery)

Overall, my surgery is a success and I am overjoyed with it. Its one of the best choices I have ever made for myself and my quality of life drastically improved. I will keep everyone updated as I proceed to recover and if you have any Agender or Top Surgery questions let me know.~

[elliothecloud]

Hey I saw your top surgery post, how'd it go?

Haven’t gotten it yet but in two weeks I will post an update :D second week of July is when I’m having surgery. ^_^

[elliothecloud]

Hey im recently post op make sure everything is done before you leave for surgery even if you think its easy and you can manage when you get home, you can't or really woudnt want to

Also heed my advice eat easily digestible before and after people don't talk about how badly pain meds screw up your digestion

Thank you!! I appreciate the advice and will definitely make sure to follow it. Also, Most people wouldn't think of how the pain meds will affect them. I think this needs a post so others can know too. :)

[elliothecloud]

My first attempt at sewing~

Is it perfect? No, but honestly I'm proud of myself for committing to it and trying my best.

[elliothecloud]

Items I’ve found help with Anxiety~

Weighted plushies- cheaper than the blankets and are best to cuddle or hold on top of your chest if you need more weight. Great alternative to blankets if you prefer not to be completely covered by weight.

Kinetic Sand- a nice sensory item to have at home. I also keep a portion in a small tupaware container on my desk or if I want to take it somewhere in a backpack I can have it.

Stress Balls- Yes, they are generic and basic. However, there are a wide variety of sizes, shapes, and variations from hard to soft. They are easily transported for on the go and nice to have in general.

Fidget Spinners/Cubes- Another basic choice I know! It's a good minor distraction if you need to focus on something else. It's temporary and short lived but can still be useful.

Jelly Cubes- A mimic of ice cubes. Rubbery jelly-like cubes that you can put in the fridge/freezer and take out if you need that fix. Its useful if you've ever self-harmed. There isn't a watery mess like a regular ice cube.

Stretchers- Any sensory item that you can stretch or pull. Keeps your hands busy.

Music- A fundamental for most people to cope with their emotions. However, I recommend being careful with the songs you listen to depending on your individual personality. I've met people who listen to songs during self-harm or when they are being self destructive. I'd avoid those so you don't end up feeding into the pain and making it worse if that's what easily happens to you. You want to help your emotions and calm down not prolong the pain.

Books, comics, or reading- an easy way to distract yourself and focus on something in front of you.

Plushies(stuffed animals)- good companions to be beside you in the moment at home if you have panic attacks. Its nice to just have a friend even if it isn't a person there with you in tough moments.

Clickers- things that click/make noises.

Video Games- A good way to be present in the moment and focus on something you can do here and now and enjoy.

Warm or cold Showers- a self-soothing technique. Five minutes for freezing water if you need it severely cold.

Water- for panic attacks.

Breathing techniques- you can easily find posters with them on it or information online so you have a coping skill to use when you begin to feel a panic or anxiety attack coming

[elliothecloud]

Trans hate happens in different ways. I want to shed light on that because I think people mainly hear about assault on us and more physical types of violence or our rights being hurt or taken away. Non transfolk do not realize that it expands beyond those things. Transphobia comes in many shapes and forms.

I was glared at last night by a couple in the emergency room the whole time I was in the waiting area. There were no words said. There wasn't any actions taken. However, the intent was clear. They clocked me and made sure I knew it. The goal is discomfort.

My mother saying she then he and then finally calling me it all in a matter of seconds is still a form of transphobia. She had it right the second time she corrected herself but she still had to recorrect herself. She still had to jab that in there. Almost as if she couldn't help herself.

Transphobia is dead naming. Transphobia is misusing pronouns and glaring people down. Its your friends saying they're supportive but make little effort to actually be supportive. Its family still saying they don't agree with you transitioning whenever they have a chance but then also say they just want you to be happy. Its verbal harrassment in comments on social media. Its sexual and physical violence. Its people (no matter how minuscule or extreme the things they do are) whose goal is to make you feel like crap.

The goal is discomfort even with the small actions or comments they make. There's many ways someone can be transphobic and when I say transphobic I mean it in an umbrella term. It includes all gender identities. Theres misogyny in transphobia and it impacts all of us. There's a ton of sexism. There's underlying ideas and beliefs systems. There's a lot of things people do out of reflex or on purpose that is transphobic.

Some of us are bullied and verbally harrassed at school. Some of us are beaten. Some are sexually assaulted. Some are killed. Some are in friendships with people that constantly make comments or do something knowing it makes the person uncomfortable. Some are kicked out of their house. Some deal with it in their comments and messages on social media and the fact that no one bats an eye because its so normalized is horrendous to me.

Some are people in relationships that end poorly because their partner thought eventually they'd change their mind or their partner rejects them entirely and they break up. Sometimes its a doctor seeing your new legal name and purposely mispronouncing it or being iffy about it. Sometimes its being refused medical care. Sometimes its being refused insurance. Its watching an entire planet hate on us every single day. Its everywhere and it flows into so many different areas of our lives and in so many different ways.

Its having a support system and then a friend of those people make a joke or comment and no one corrects that person for it. It is watching others stand by while someone is being transphobic. It is watching people do nothing a lot of the time. It's societal compliance.

It is surreal.

[westiec]

You've gotta love Jews more than you hate Nazis.

You've gotta love trans folks more than you hate TERFs.

You've gotta love your unhoused neighbors more than you hate the billionaires.

You've gotta love immigrants more than you hate ICE.

You've gotta love queer kids more than you hate christian fundamentalists.

You've gotta love fat people more than you hate the diet industry.

You've gotta love disabled people more than you hate the insurance companies.

You've gotta love your fellow humans more than you hate the worst that humanity has to offer. You don't have to like every person you're fighting for, and you sure as hell don't have to give up your righteous anger, but hate is ultimately corrosive.

You've gotta love.

[the-haiku-bot]

You’ve gotta love queer

kids more than you hate christian

fundamentalists.

Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.

[elliothecloud]

My experiences with romantic attraction have been a mixture of situations and emotions. Can I experience it? Yes, but it’s rare. Usually, I have to feel pretty close to that person first and even then it is still rare for me. Before I knew what aspec was or that I didn’t really experience attraction much I would say I love you because someone else would in the relationship. I would say that cause I thought it’s what you are supposed to do.

I didn’t understand that people feel things which is why they say it in a relationship. I thought if I’m in the relationship I’m supposed to love someone and went along with it. The disconnect had been there for years. When I experienced my first love at 17 I knew then that there is a clear difference between compliance and genuine love. Prior to that I didn’t have that knowledge at all.

And after all these years I’ve only felt romantic attraction and love four times total. I am 25 now. I know what genuine love is now. I also know what it isn’t. However, when I look at others I don’t experience aesthetic attraction or physical or sexual attraction at all. The disconnect expands to every form of attraction. So when the romantic attraction hits me it is like being hit by a bus.

Platonically, I care for everyone. I love my platonic relationships and friendships. I appreciate everyone I have in my life. Romantically I am a neutral person. It either happens or it doesn’t. I am not ashamed of who I am but it is hard for people outside aspec to understand me. I am proud to be aspec whether others understand or not.

I wanted to share this because I want to show how there are many ways someone can be aspec. The ace spectrum is wide and has lots of variety in it. How people see others and the world varies and I want to shed light on what it's like.

[elliothecloud]

Being asexual is like being the one person who wouldn't participate in gym class. Some people are upset with you. Some people don't care and let you skip out. Overall, you just aren't interested in gym.

[elliothecloud]

My trans experience is being Agender. My Agender experience is a disconnection from the binary. It is not aligning with any form of fluidity or masc or fem. It is a state of being void of anything. I am not nonbinary. I am not fluid. I am not a man or a women.

I am simply me. I exist as neutral as possible. I have preferred pronouns. I still have dysphoria because I don't want any organs at all. However, I don’t want the opposite gender’s organs either. I want to be blank like a canvas. I have Zero ties to gender.

This is not everyone's Agender experience. Many view themselves as fluid or a form of nonbinary etc. This is simply me.

[elliothecloud]

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTAL HEALTH

What Unhealed Borderline may look like:

(note I have quiet and self destructive BPD)

•Refusing to discuss whats bothering them.

•No self identity or sense of belonging.

•Quick and short mood swings based on interactions with other people.

•Feelings of chronic emptiness and sometimes apathy.

•Substance Abuse or Self Harm.

•Attachment issues with specific individuals.

•Being distant with most people.

•Dealing with your problems alone because you're afraid of being a burden on others.

•Falling silent and shutting down when things bother you.

•Age Regression.

•Anger internally/towards yourself.

•Irritability and easily frustrated.

•Unstable relationship dynamics.

•Pushing others away.

•Feeling like you only can rely on yourself.

[elliothecloud]

Being Agender is like ordering a cake and not knowing what to order sometimes.

[elliothecloud]

What ADHD may look like:

•Not sitting still and feelings of being restless. Having a ton of energy and nowhere to put it at times.

•Forgetting conversations or tasks while doing the tasks.

•Loss of time due to hyperfixations. Losing track of time in general.

•Talking fast in a way that leaves you without breath.

•A constant flow of information or thoughts in your brain.

•Social Anxiety.

•Easily distracted and not being able to meet goals.

•Having multiple projects and never finishing any of them.

•Being Absent Minded or daydreaming.

•Easily bored and frustrated.

•Short memory span/attention span.

•Relestlessness and irritation.

•Trouble speaking in front of others.

•Overstimulation and hypervigilance.

•Unitentionally interrupting others when they talk.

•Low Self Esteem and issues with confidence.

•Starting one task then changing it to a different one.

[elliothecloud]

My experiences as an Agender individual:

PLEASE keep in mind this is mainly me being frustrated with peoples ideas, conceptions, and assumptions about me. It is not me hating or upset with how others identify. I am simply expressing that sometimes we shouldn't assume things about anyone at all because it can be hurtful in the long run towards individuals.

•Because I am assigned female at birth people will only like me/be interested for my chest and body.

•Because I am AFAB people assume I am a transman since I dress in only shirts and jeans. They have this idea of who they view me as in their head without asking me anything.

•Because I am Agender people think I will accept all pronouns and language but that is not the case for me. Not everyone will accept anything. Some people have preferred pronouns as a person Agender.

•Because I am Agender most people will think nonbinary. While a good amount of agender people feel that way that is not my lived experience or how I feel. I 100% identify as void of any gender at all. I don't align with or connect with any gender identity. I view myself as completely androgynous, absent, void, empty, neutral, etc.

•Because I am AFAB and Agender people look at my husband and I and assume we are related or a heterosexual couple. Irony is he is LGBTQIA+ and I am ace and agender.

•My chest always makes people clock me and because of that it causes dysphoria.

•My voice giving me away constantly as I tend to be higher pitched when I feel anxious, insecure, or feeling small.

•Gender Dysphoria not because I want something I don’t currently have and identify with but because I don't want any parts at all.

•Feeling disconnected to any form of gender expression or binary.

•Identifying as underneath the “trans umbrella” but not identifying as strictly trans.

[elliothecloud]

Apathromantic (The root word being Apathy) - Is someone whose orientation form of "romance indifferent" which can also be used as a title. It does not distinguish if the person does or does not have romantic attraction, but just that they are indifferent in receiving it or acting it out.

This is me. I am indifferent with romantic attraction. That doesn’t mean I do or do not experience it. My experience has been I can be romantically attracted to people rarely but I am mainly platonic. I am in a middle area and am indifferent towards others for the most part.

I got the definition from asexuality.org and they have a list of knowledge about ace spec.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Your sexual or romantic history is your own business and not information you owe other people.