gonna be earnest for a minute, it’s about that time I ran a straight-up porn blog on here
(this is gonna be shameful as all hell, and it’s gonna talk about being a fucking mess pants-wise if you know what I mean (I mean it’s in part a story about my sad boners))
so, it’s mid-2014, I’m 22, and a whole bunch of people I know keep tweeting about a game called DMMd, it’s about these hot cyberpunk twinks wearing nothing but aprons and gasmasks, and sometimes also fucking each other in the ass, there’s probably other stuff, I’m not good at following stuff, the asses were very well sculpted, and, because it had light BDSM elements as well as cyberpunk, it felt to an extent tailor-made to a whole lot of my obsessions at the time
and it made me wanna crank it, so I did
this was new, I’d never been horny for fake men before, and, well, it brought on a lot of questioning my own identity, with a specific question being: “would you want to fuck chris evans?” the answer turned out to be a resounding “hell fucking yeah”, and so here I was, attracted to men but still also attracted to women, whatever those ideas meant
in quick and dirty language-based math, I was heterosexual plus homosexual, and that equaled bisexual, which is still how I explain it to this day, I don’t know, maybe it’s weird, it’s an island of language I settled on, who gives a fuck, the important thing is I’m bi, fuck off
anyways, in addition to being bi, I’m also fat, ugly, and an introvert, which makes dating pretty hard (especially the part where I don’t leave the house and I don’t meet people, I mean, law of large numbers, there’s gotta be someone out there that finds me hot)
this was kind of a huge problem, because while it’s all well and good to say you’re bi online, there wasn’t really a place in the tangible world where I could practice being attracted to men, there isn’t really a way to do that when you’re not dating anyone in the first place, it’s just kinda there and you have to take it on faith that it’s still gonna be there every day, I’d spent 22 years just being straight (or just good at denial) because society just made it so fucking easy not to question it, and now, here I was, questioning it
and that led me to what I now believe to be a fairly common experience: Bi Imposter Syndrome, a constant nagging feeling that I wasn’t being bi enough, or in the right way, that I was just looking for another way in which to be fucked up in the head, trying to rationalize my falling out with shitty friends in terms of identity-based rejection, and look, while I was too cowardly for the suicide attempt (a life-saver, that), I sure as shit had the thoughts, always, in really loud ways
but then there was tumblr, and, very important for the purpose of this story, there was the porn: incredible quantities of it, from many incredible people, artists, curators, people adjacent to the whole mess. high quality shit, from this, an era where, because everyone can do porn, people have to do porn really fucking well to stand out (or have a really beautiful dick shout-out to mickey mod)
so I found myself liking a LOT of porn on tumblr, like, not as much as I was seeing, obviously, but, a lot of really hot shit, stuff that made me dry-heave or feel it hard in a way that’s complicated to understand, maybe not Tex Avery Wolf shit, but like, pretty close? like, whatever inspired that, YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, IT’S AN EXPERIENCE YOU CAN HAVE YOURSELF
and then I found myself liking so much goddamn porn on this hell-forsaken website that the thought came up of putting it all together in blog form and sharing it with the world, I’d only share the link with really close friends but I’d make no real attempt at hiding it, it’d be there, I’d say it’s there, and whatever happened happened, it would be a genuine repository of people and pictures I thought were hot
putting it together was a really cool process, except for the part where tumblr’s queue system fucking sucked and whatever was in the queue was going out no matter what, you couldn’t fucking pause it, you couldn’t fucking specify at which end of the queue you’d like to put the posts you added so I had to grab something off of XKit in order to shuffle the queue any time I added anything so as to have the older stuff come up, no one really gave a shit (out of 83 follows I’m about certain that only 4 aren’t bots), but it didn’t really matter
what mattered was the process itself; what mattered was being out there, the process of turning “I think these hunks and these hotties are hella fine” into something real, something existing outside my head, a proof out there in the world that I was a genuine 100% ugly bi mess, and fuck you, this is real, this is happening
anyways, today in their shitty cloying blogpost trying to explain why they’re removing any and all porn from their terrible fucking attempt at monetizing us, tumblr said that they wanted their site to be “a safe place for self-discovery”
yeah, well, sometimes self-discovery is saying out loud what you’re into, in the most explicit terms possible, and maybe it’s fucking idiotic as all hell to take that away JUST MY TWO CENTS
and finally, I’m reposting this in full, not even as a link, so y’all get why I absolutely think this is bullshit! fuck off forever, tumblr! fuck off forever, oath! fuck off forever, verizon or whomstever! it’s been real cool bringing you absolutely no financial gain whatsoever!
