Still in Denver....not getting sleep tonight, catching the first flight outta here to Houston. Going to watch Netflix, got five more hours before we can board the plane..... I'll sleep while flying in the sky :) Sounds good to me.
Sometimes I wonder if I have too many memories, maybe I didn't party hard enough in high school that I remember too much of my time there. Maybe I didn't have enough drunken nights or drug-filled jam sessions. Then I think about how much I've seen, memories that others don't think I remember and I can't help but feel a little blessed. I caught myself looking at people pictures on Facebook that I used to go to high school with and I wondered if they ever looked at my photos and thought, "Wow, she turned out okay." I thought that about a few people, I felt envious about a few people and photos I saw. Life always looks more interesting on the internet, people don't see the heartache nor the boredom. Only the moments that will get them the most likes and comments. That is what people really want, popularity. I miss the days when you would make a new friend and show them pictures in photo albums and introduce them to your family. Life seemed more personal then, rather people just Facebook stalk you before meeting you and try to get an idea about who you are. I don't like that anyone can hide behind a facade that is their own creation. I even like I do that myself as well and I don't think I like the person that I am portraying myself to be or allowing others to think of myself as. Maybe it isn't not that I need to portray myself to have a certain life, maybe I just need to live a life that I want people to see me living.
I went to a park that is close to my apartment today. It is my favorite place to be these days and I just thought to myself, "I love where I live and I live where I love."
I always wondered why anyone would want to live in a place known as the "Heartbroken". sitting in my car feeling the wind blow my hair and carrying the smell of the ocean, even though the ocean is miles away, I can see it. I can understand why a place with such a sad name can be such a great place to live. It calls to those who feel a way that is not normal, it called to me the first time I came here, the lake knew that I wanted something and yet I felt nothing. It called to me like it still does even today to help me feel something again.
After two long hours of soaking in the bath tub with "The Doctor", I have come to the realization that I am depriving myself and only myself by not writing. This is a public forum, yes I am aware of that but I made the promise to myself long, long ago, 800 miles away that I was going to stop living in the aura of others. I was going to live on my own conviction and of my own thoughts.
I said it yesterday and I'll say it again, "the words of one can ruin the dreams of many." But that is only the beginning of it! There is more to the story and that is what I am here to do. Dreams are not controlled by the masses but of the few who have the courage to achieve them! YES! that is it! that is the ending I officially quote myself right here and right now! "The words of one, can ruin the dreams of many. BUT. Dreams are not controlled by the masses but of the few who have the courage to achieve them." Hallmark, call me.
As I was sitting in this tub, my body barely being covered by the transparent water in this small tub. As the time went by, I started thinking of my indiscretions, of my demons and of my exhaustions and how torn I felt to be living in a mindset of feeling the burdens of these things. I worked out my indiscretions, I fought away my demons and I rejuvenated my mind and the water grew darker. The darker the water got, the more British I sounded and the better I felt as I laid in this tub filled with foggy water. Then after two hours, I pulled the plug. I watched the water fogged with my tired, huddled masses of ideas and thoughts and watched it funnel into the abyss, down the hatch and down the drain it all went. Until, all I was left with was the white porcelain bottom of this small tub and the ending credits.
I have my reasons for writing these words and I have my reasons for making them public. Read them or read them not, I don't care. They are there and I am just making them available if your interested. All I know if that I almost allowed myself to be washed down that drain along with my thoughts and demons but instead I allowed myself to feel the courage I have to follow my dream and rise above the foggy waters of my own making. Thanks, "Doctor". I am amazing.
I had such a great night. I got to hang out with some great people at the STL Nerdy Girls Game Night!! I had only one beer so no, I’m not “so drunk” right now.
Something I really like about this group is the feeling that I am surrounding myself with strong, intelligent women that I can see myself modeling after. I’d like to find friends ultimately and I hope they are people that I can find a positive influence with. That is something that I need right now is good, positive people and I look forward to meeting people like that here.
This all just goes back to that feeling I have about surrounding myself with positive energy and attitudes. In Houston, I felt like I was surrounded by negativity and it really brought me down. Now, here I feel like I am allowing myself to be opened up and that can bring that positivity I was speaking of to the surface. I know that Houston wasn't the main problem to my negativity but I just couldn’t help but put a physical place in association with the emotions. It is something that better helps to ease the transition.
Now I am going to eat my very late dinner and watch some “Doctor Who” Before going to sleep! Happy Weekend! Well for me it is the weekend. :)
I wasn't able to go to last week's yoga class thus causing an incredibly hard class this week. Although, I think my confidence level is rising because I am trying out new poses. I am really enjoying yoga, so much that I am going to try to get my meetup group to go out to a class with my instructor. Yay!
This isn't going to be that great of a post. Mostly, I wanted to apologize for not writing last night. I got into HTML mode and wanted to work on the look for my blog. After three hours of that, I got super sleepy. It is still in progress, I don't like a few of the things going on now. So mind the mess in the blog, it is still workable too. Let me know your thoughts, I'd love to hear them.
Well work is sucking, I loathe it there but its a job and for now I am staying there because it gives me something to do and a little bit of my pocket. I am really excited about tomorrow night, I am going to meet up with my STL NErdy Girls group for a board game night which is going to be a blast!!!
I'll let you know how it goes. Okay back to HTML mode!!
P.S. My husband just came home with a Snickers Bar too, yummy!!! I know I know, I'm on a diet but its okay to indulge every once in awhile :)
Thunderstorms and tornadoes. Definitely not used to the latter but we all grow accustomed to all things at some point. That's the reasoning behind having two days on the title tonight. With the weather acting on the fritz, the electricity went out and I couldn't get online. These past two night I really have enjoyed myself. Yesterday, I went to work, which went by oddly fast but I think it is because I am growing sick of the job already. I was extremely tired but refused to go to sleep until it reached a decent bedtime. So I spent some time watching "Doctor Who" and researching airline prices. Once my husband came home from his job, we got ready and headed out for a Friday Night date. We explored an area called the "Delmar Loop" and ate at the famous Blueberry Hill restaurant. If you don't know why it has gained it's fame, it is because of Chuck Berry. But I thought it was owned by Chuck Berry and it turns out that it really is not. I don't know why its famous for him anymore, I guess its because he is always there. We didn't see him, we didn't really look for him either. It was so much fun walking around this area too. It is a very hip, young and bright part of town. I say bright as in that very vibrant feeling. Then there were these sirens blaring and it seemed weird because we were walking around and people didn't seem to really care that these sirens were ringing. My husband and I were really confused because we thought that when these particular sirens start going off that means a tornado is coming. Lucky for us, we did not meet a tornado but we were met with a bunch of rain and rain around the streets getting soaked. Funny that I felt so young when we did this. I felt like I was living in a movie. It is a good feeling to think that you are living in a uber romantic movie but when reality hits that is when it kind of depresses you because you realize that you aren't in some romantic movie. Sometimes I do wish life was like that, I'm just a hopeless romantic at times. After ending our rainy rendezvous on the Delmar Loop, we went back home to a dark apartment complex. After seeing that the lights were going to be out for quite sometime, it was late enough and I was tired enough that I just wanted to sleep. There was a moment in which I was lying in bed with the blinds in the window open and I could see the rain fall and hear it as well. I had just thought about how very nice I felt at that moment. How very much I was at peace and I was glad that I was going to sleep with that feeling in mind. Then I wake up an hour later to my future sister in law texting me asking my what my middle name is and how her and my brother in law were talking about their baby names and what their middle names were going to be. It was kind of lame that i couldn't go back to sleep after that but oh well.
This morning was kind of nice too, it was still raining and my job had the power go out as well as the entire Maryland Heights area. I went to work not knowing exactly what I was going to be doing with the lights off but I'm glad that it ended up to be a pretty easy day. All I did was ride along with some co-workers to get breakfast and that took two hours which was nice! Then set out the food and helped some of the co-workers. I was out of noon, easy-peasy. Tomorrow I hope will be somewhat back to normal now that the lights might be back on. Overall, to be completely honest, I am getting really sick of this job. I really want to do something else and I would prefer to stay with this company but they aren't living up to what they agreed upon and its making me think that I am getting the runaround. Good thing is that at least I have something to bring in that little bit amount of money that I do make. That is enough to get me the extra money to keep going and I still have the time to continue on the job hunt. The rest of the weekend I am really looking forward to, tomorrow I am going to a festival after work so that should be cool too. The rest of the week I have a few things going on but hopefully more will come my way. I like to stay busy.
Well, I know this is more of a blogging, "Here's what I am doing and what I got going on", kind of a post but that is sometimes needed. I have a few ideas for essays and I still have some that I started that I need to finish and some that I need to work on. If anyone has any topics that they might like for me to discuss I would love to hear your ideas!!
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I have reason to celebrate today, it has been a month since I began to focus on losing weight and I have lost 11 pounds!! I realize that it might not seem like a lot but this is a big deal for me because I was able to achieve this transition all while transitioning in so many different ways as well. I started to see how working out my body could really ease my mind and it makes me feel happy overall as well. While travelling to St. Louis and in the week's time for the move up here, I did gain 3 pounds because I didn't eat right and didn't work out but I saw the differences that I was making and how going back to old habits were affecting me. I felt good but I realize during that week that if I wanted to continue to feel as good as I did I needed to continue what I had started while still in Houston. So I began working out again after moving into our new apartment. It was great because they had a gym and Missouri offers the best workout tool the Texan can utilize. Hills. Not hills that you see in Austin but these looks like HILLS. I conquered the block back in Houston so I was confident that I could make the walk to the gym as easily and even to a light jog. Nope! I felt like I just smoked 9 cigarettes, I was huffin and puffin so bad. Since then, I have progressed and I have been able to power walk up the hill easily. My latest conquered object would be the elliptical, yesterday I did a 15 vigorous workout on it without even thinking about it! HIGH FIVE TO ME!
Now I have a good weekly workout routine building. That is the most important aspect to me because if I don't find the routine I will fall away from it. My routine is yoga on mondays, workout on Wednesday and Sunday and Zumba on Thursday. Another aspect of this that I am very proud of is that I motivated myself to continue with this regime. i always used to think that I could only work out with someone there by my side pumping me up but now I see that I don't need emotional support all the time. It also helps that I have my ipod and the gym has these cool tvs connected to the machine. I know that might be cheating but I don't have tv at home so this is just another way to help me enjoy working out.
If you are reading this and you are a person that wishes to change the reflection in the mirror, hear me out when I say this: Don't do it for the reflection. Don't do it for the girl on the cover of the magazine or for your mom. Sweat your ass off (literally) to reach the end of the street, to reach that goal of losing 10 pounds, to finally get that dance move right or that yoga pose right. You want to feel like you have accomplished the impossible, that you have achieved the greatest thing that you have ever done. You want to feel scared and then you wanted to feel silly for being so scared of attending a yoga class.
That is what I told myself when I started to feel the doubt rise above me because I didn't like what I saw in my reflection. I told myself that it wasn't about just what I see but what I felt and at that moment I felt like getting strong. Tonight, I saw myself in the mirror at Zumba class and I thought, "Wow, I can see a difference now." Well, that was definitely a perk and geared me up to start a new week in my workout.
Day 149: "The Real Mrs. Banuelos" - A Feminist Essay
Picture this. You are standing in a beautiful courtyard about to make those famous ten steps down an aisle that every woman has at some point dreamt of. Along both sides of you are a multitude of people that are amongst your closest friends and families and a majority of people are those you have no idea who they are. Right at this moment, women think about a multitude of things. They question the choices from the floral arrangements, the dress, the bridesmaids and some even question the man they are walking towards to. Some think about the journey that got them to that very point in time and the journey that is ahead, still waiting to be lived out. Fears, hopes and dreams lace the mind of a woman making those very famous steps, literally towards a new future and what they don't realize is that life as they know it is completely out of the picture.
Many couples do not completely realize how much change they experience when it comes to getting married. That newlywed glow tends to blind the couple into thinking that they are special or different than everyone else and that they will not succumb to those cliches. Well, nonetheless they are there, waiting for you when you get your vision back. It is only a matter of time before you realize that you have to adapt to a new person, your husband. "Where does he put his socks? Why does he eat peanut butter out of the jar?' Not only is there the adaptation of your new spouse, there is also the question of: 'Who do you become after marriage?' Of course, you're probably thinking "I don't change, I'm still me." Well honey, there are some things that you begin to notice that you start to change. Yeah there are typical gender roles that you start to notice you do, like pick up the clothes, clean the bathroom or start cooking weekly dinners because you are working on the weekends. There is nothing wrong with any of those things whatsoever, I don't want you to question that at all, especially if you are happy with it. My debate that I like to bring your attention is the idea of changing your last name after getting married. That is a change most women do not realize is a conflict they feel until either after marriage or close to the ceremony. There are many options to this conflict; firstly of course being keeping your last name secondly being to have your husband's last name hyphenated with your maiden last name and lastly is the option that is most popular which is to change your last name to be the same as your newly named husband.
Granted the history behind this tradition started a long, long time ago when it was based on the belief that a man owned things such as a house, a horse and a woman. After a ceremony where the woman would be given away by her father to her husband, whom was approved by the father or was probably arranged by both man and woman's families, and thus the woman would be claimed as the man's "property." Thus allowing for the logic to be further stamped into the society that woman was the property of man. It was also a belief that it created a symbol of unity, for example the symbolism of the lighting of the unity candle (which I file in the Witchcraft folder but that is a whole other essay) and some also took a religious stand point behind the tradition and claimed that the meaning was to 'become one under the eyes of God.' Religious folk do see the taking of the man's last name to be a tradition that has been seen since the beginning of man, the Bible states in the book of Genesis about Adam and Eve and how, Eve would be subservient to Adam. One of these subservient actions would be the taking of the his last name to show unity under the eyes of the Creator. Nonetheless, its an old tradition that has seen a multitude of discussion and mostly so, after the second wave of feminism in the 1970's.
In recent years, many women have questioned the practice of this tradition when wedding bells start to ring off in the distance. There are more open discussions about it within couples resulting in more couples deciding to not go the traditional route and chose to hypenate their last name. The big question now is whether or not this tradtition is sexist? My opinon? In today's time, no I do no believe it is sexist or demaning to a woman if she chooses to take her husband's last name. Now if women were still treated in a way of a "man's property" then my answer would definetely be different. The intent of a tradition is what really is at stake when we consider these types of descisions. Just because it is a long standing tradition does not mean that a woman should feel forced to obligated to to something that she does not want to do. Should it be questioned as a tradition with value in present day life? Absolutely! Women have a choice to change the name that they will be known by for the rest of their lives and there should be no retrebution for questioning the validity of a tradition when it comes to a topic that will be with you for the rest of your life.
Women do not have to be a feminist to question topics like these. Feminism in my experience is so much more and should be so much more than exclusivity; curiosity is and should be encouraged. To question a tradition, like taking your husband's last name, is not something that would turn you into an unfaithful or unloving wife-to-be. It makes you look like you are considering all of your options. Marriage is a life changing event that makes for many aspects come up under the microscope. There is nothing wrong with questioning if changing your name is right for you. Just make sure to communicate any concerns you have with your husband-to-be because if you haven't learned yet you will soon, the fact that you two will be partners for life and that means for a lot of communication exercises.
I have been happily married now for two and a half glorious years. When the time came for me, I was deadset on keeping my maiden name. I tied it to my history and my personality which led me to these questions: "Would I lose who I was?" and "Would I be respected by my peers or disrespected based on my decision?" That was my first mistake, looking back I should've never questioned this tradition with my peers in mind. Its is one of those things where they had nothing to do with it and shouldn't of been in the equation. The first question was something that I struggled with because I was at an age when I wasn't even sure who I was and if this change would damage the process of self-discovery. That is something I think every woman would have a personal journey with yet for me I decided that it wasn't as if I was losing who I was, I was growing into the person I was becoming. I was gaining a piece of me that was missing and I think that is a lesson for marriage as a whole. Again, the topic of communication with your partner comes up as that is what I did with my now husband. I discussed why I felt it was a disgusting tradition and what his views on the tradition were and how I felt it affected me. We even talked about changing both of our last names to a combination of our names. Which would've been neat and further proof that I am married to a very open-minded man. Yet in the end I made my decision to take my husband's last name and my decision was based on ultimately following a tradition that had been handed down since the beginning of time. Not because of the weird property and ownership ideal but of the aspect that I would be taking a new name and with that a new life. That is a beauty that tradition has in as a whole, the fact that so many generations before you were standing in the same exact spot that you are and felt the same way that you did. There is a power behind it that makes me feel like I am a part of something, maybe a little part of history who knows but still a part of something special.
In conclusion, the honest fact of the matter is that, I personally did feel some sort of need to discover who I was becoming after marriage and changing my last name had a portion to do with that. With all of those women who are making their way down the aisle keep in mind that, traditions mean a lot to those surround you and a majority of the wedding is for the enjoyment of your future in-laws but that doesn't mean you should lose focus on what those traditions mean to you and your soon-to-be husband. As well as the fact that, your decision does not have to be made right after you say "I Do", you can take a few weeks even a couple of months to think about it and really communicate (there's that word again) with your partner what it means for yourself and the both of you. Most importantly of all, don't let anyone force your decision. By all means, you didn't let anyone force you to marry the guy, so why start letting people force you to follow traditions now? On your very important day as you glide down that aisle to greet the love of your life, hold onto the most important part of any wedding...the cake. (insert laugh track here.)
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