[free-my-mindd]

No more repeated cycles. It’s time to grow.

[embracingmybeauty]

A Choice

I can not continue to oscillate between phases of rigorous self-development and self-destruction. I have reached a crossroads and need to decide once and for all whether I want to actualize my full potential or finally give up. Previously, any time I self-developed too much for my own comfort I would self-sabotage and spiral into a self-destructive phase that if went on for too long or was too severe a part of me would suddenly activate, I would begin to rapidly self-develop and the cycle would repeat. It has been as if there are quite literally 2 internal parts of me warring over our fate.

On one hand it is undeniable that I have vast amounts of potential (something I have been told my entire life and have even recognized myself) and a strong will. On the other hand that strong will easily works against me when I feel I can’t ignore how unhappy I am with living in captivity without proper support. I was born with a will to die rather than a will to live and I have to exert psychic effort to see life as neutral (NOT a gift) rather than a prison sentence. When you see the world as Hell it’s easy to convince yourself that it doesn’t deserve the best version of you and therefore you should simply hedonistically indulge in your own self-destruction.

Many people have tried to convince me that fully actualizing my potential is “winning”; and continuing to exist in a world that doesn’t want you to is an act of rebellion. But I see it as prolonging my own torture for someone else’s idea of success. Unfortunately, I do not see my worldview changing anytime soon. Now I am tasked with finding some other justification for self-actualization. I don’t have an answer but I am going to spend the next few days digging deep and looking for a reason to finally leave self-sabotage behind and allow myself to realize my potential.

[laesposarica]

[blissfullyecho]

ways i reset on a sunday 🤍

deep clean my apartment + do laundry

every sunday i give my apartment a good deep clean— i will wash my sheets, do my laundry, clean my appliances, scrub toilets, bathtubs, and countertops, i’ll mop, and i give myself natural sunlight and fresh air by opening the windows. i like to do this in the morning so i have the rest of the day to enjoy a clean apartment

plan my week

i double check the days i work in the hospital, any appointments i might have, and any deadlines that are coming up. i create a rough idea of how my week will probably look and this is also a good time for me to write the goals i have for the following week.

run errands

i like to go grocery shopping once a week and while i’m there, i like to get necessities for the house if needed like toilet paper or toothpaste. any other errands like bank deposits will be done on this day as well.

i prefer to be alone

i spend so much time with people at work that it’s much needed for me to be alone and enjoy my own company. i will do things that i enjoy like reading, going to the beach, getting brunch (yes, alone), or whatever else my heart desires.

active recovery days

i workout daily and sundays are my active recovery days. this is when i just focus on stretching, walking, and getting my body moving in light and easy ways, while still being active.

i prioritize health on sundays (a bit more)

while it’s important to always be healthy, sundays are the days where i like to cleanse my body a bit more. i will drink more water, continue with my vitamins, focus on high-quality nutrition, and take additional supplements like chlorophyll, spirulina, wheatgrass, etc.

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[a-1mond]

[embracingmybeauty]

One Month At A Time

At the end of July 2024 I had a really bad mental breakdown caused by being extremely stressed and it has forced me to completely reexamine my lifestyle and how I approach self-development. For the last few years I have focused primarily on balancing my sex hormones after the damage hormonal birth control had done and I figured that was my only problem but it was in July that I discovered I have Cushing’s Syndrome (chronically elevated cortisol; the stress hormone) which was what was contributing to my binging, hypertension, and random psychotic episodes in a vicious cycle that I had been trying to go about fixing all wrong.

I come from a fairly strict religious upbringing and have always had the tenants of “hustle culture” deeply ingrained into me; while at the same time I have experienced a lifetime of various types of trauma. Reacting to an hyper vigilant nervous system by adding additional pressure in the name of not ‘being lazy’ has caused me to burnout regularly and become disabled to the point of being unable to work for months at a time. It was made clear to me after talking to several professionals that I have no choice but to slow down and reset. Grinding is not good for me (right now). Unlike in the past when I would guilt trip myself for not being strong enough to overcome - what I now realize is my biology trying to protect me from organ failure - I decided to do the opposite of what I have always done and practice radical acceptance. I accepted what my body was telling me (“I want a soft life and your undivided attention”), I accepted that I still had a will to continuously evolve and most importantly I accepted that it did not have to be all or nothing.

Borrowing from my past approach I decided to first do a self-assessment and evaluate how I was doing in all areas. But unlike my past attempts at establishing lasting change where I would split my attention between all the things I took issue with, I decided to pick between 1-3 things to work on each month with only one being my highest priority and each subsequent priority moving up in urgency the next month (example provided below). In just 2.5 months I have been able to get my life back on track from a severe breakdown, have learned the importance of slowing down when needed and have been able to solidly build habits in a 3rd of the time it has taken me previously.

July 2024

Primary focus: Self-assessment + planning

Secondary focus: Simplifying life + routines

August 2024

Primary focus: Simplifying life + routines

Secondary focus: Switching from mouth/chest breathing to nose/stomach breathing

September 2024

Primary focus: Nose/stomach breathing

Secondary focus: Micronutrient deficiencies (vitamins + supplements)

October 2024

Primary focus: Regular supplementation (vitamins + supplements)

Secondary focus: Shifting diet (less UPFs, more whole food)

Upcoming: November 2024

Primary focus: Eating primarily whole foods

Secondary focus: Consistent daily activity

[themaiajae]

[harvesti-deactivated20241020]

gorgeous it girls don't starve, we eat smart 🌷

[embracingmybeauty]

Walking

On my most active days I get around 16-18k steps. I would love to eventually hit a 25k average 😈

[afropearl]

Health is Wealth 🎍

[embracingmybeauty]

I have successfully gone from averaging 5-7k steps a day to averaging 10-13k steps. I have loved this simple but important shift toward becoming more active.

[embracingmybeauty]

Walk More

[embracingmybeauty]

Micros > Macros

Truly all aspects of nutrition are important to your overall health, but I have found that shifting my focus from macronutrients to micronutrients has changed how I view my personal evolution.

Macros kept me focused purely on numbers. What percentage of my daily caloric intake was this macro? How many grams of that macro per serving? Does this number justify that number? I was becoming more machine. And despite trying my hardest I was never truly satisfied and didn't feel healthier. As I continued to research nutrition and had bloodwork done I learned of my own micronutrient deficiencies as well as the true importance of vitamins and minerals. Micronutrients are truly the building blocks of our being in a way that goes much deeper than I think the average person realizes. It is entirely possible to be eating at or above caloric maintenance and still be nutrient deficient. Once I realized this my focused shifted entirely.

My blood work showed that I was especially low on potassium, and due to potassium’s connection to the heart, that became my first priority. I was given liquid soluble tablets and drastically increased my intake of both coconut water and bananas. Within a week the months long issue I had had with a racing and irregular heartbeat was cured. Around this same time I acquired a NutriBullet and a couple of recipe books to accompany it; these further delved into the world of micronutrients and their various links to health. Finally, it wasn’t all about the numbers; if you “feel” this you’re likely low on this micronutrient. This new mindset also aligned perfectly with where I was at in my healing journey; being more mindful of my body and how it felt rather than just what I was thinking.

I started being diligent about taking a multivitamin and having a daily smoothie with various superfoods blended into it and absolutely noticed a difference. I no longer felt an excessive hunger that couldn’t be cured because it hadn’t been calories that my body was craving. Here’s to micronutrients 🥂

[the-iron-duck93]

[embracingmybeauty]

Recognized Effort

I am slowly, but surely, genuinely changing and my environment is beginning to reflect that. The energy I carry is becoming lighter and I am in turn having more and more positive interactions. Recently, I have been told that I have "a natural beauty", that my aura is bright, and that I should own my own radiance; all by different people.

I was genuinely caught off guard; because despite all the work I KNOW I have done internally I didn't think my efforts had begun to reflect externally to the extent that others would notice just yet. To me this is just the beginning. I still have so much more to do and I'm excited for the doing in a way I never have been before.

But just the fact that my efforts are indeed being noticed makes me feel all the more determined to continue forward in my journey. I am on the right path. I am actualizing.

[embracingmybeauty]

Mind your micros

[embracingmybeauty]

I can truly say that I have re-aligned with nature + the seasons. As Spring continues I can feel my energy returning to me. I have begun this year’s Spring cleaning both internally and externally. I look forward to all this year has to offer.