oh god oh fuck

michael, 18 (he/him)

[bobeardham]

Yah, Bo is just an inspiration to me, and I admire him alot. I don’t find him-

CUT THE CAMERAS

[hyrude]

richie tozier fires his straight ghostwriter and hires me. here’s his set

any over 40s in the house tonight? can we get the lights up on the crowd? houselights up, i wanna see some receding hairlines. you, with the crows’ feet, i have a question for you. what is it about hitting 40 that completely revolutionizes your internet history? used to be, id go on vacation for a weekend and i’d get a frantic call from pornhub because id been missing my thrice-daily dick appointments with the milf category and their site traffic was plummeting. now i watch porn sites once a week, as scheduled on my google calendar, just for those 2 seconds between when the page loads and your adblock kicks in, where you can still see the male enhancement drugs for sale in the sidebar. and i, like, think about it.

[hyrude]

the thing people ask me most since i came out, question i get the most is what my boyfriend thinks of my stand up, and the answer is he hates it. he’s never laughed at anything ive ever said and it is so hot. real yoko ono.

people always say that in a derogatory way, “oh, she’s a real yoko ono,” as if yoko ono wasnt right. imagine fucking a beatle while they were at the height of their international fame and then telling him his music was dogshit. she did what nobody else would. “but he doesn’t support your endeavors!” nothing could prove to me more that that i’m supported than if eddie’s rampant distaste for every word out of my mouth inadvertently results in my assassination. that’s how you know you’ve made it, if people want you dead. ive been writing that career goal in my diary, curly script in sparkle gel pen, since i was 6

[hyrude]

i want to take a second to be real with you guys, i want to apologize. ive been talking so much about my sex life tonight, which is crass, and it’s, yknow, lowbrow. it’s just that it’s new for me and im excited about it, right, but im sure you guys must be cringing. it’s alienating when someone’s happy about getting their dick wet and you’ve still never had sex, i know. i’ve been there. turns out, no one here has had sex before, actually. my stage presence attracts exclusively adult virgins, it’s true. we focus-grouped it. my agent gave me my demographic breakdown and i was flipping through the write-ups, looking at the age group graphic, the political lean. and when i got to the page titled sex, it just said “no.” not even one of you. that’s tough. it’s tough to relate when i fuck nonstop, and im sorry for rubbing it in

[hyrude]

my boyfriend and i recently moved in together, and it’s my first time living with somebody i’m in love with. stop clapping, okay, don’t praise me for no longer exclusively living with random strangers renting out their closets. really though, before now, even with other relationships, i was more of a “spend the night often, but not so often they start expecting you to pay utilities” kind of person. like, if you have to buy a second toothbrush, you’re in too deep. just put toothpaste on your finger, you know? honestly, never got the appeal of having the person who sees you naked also have access to your grocery list. 

but i’ve figured it out. me and eds move in together, right, and in the same day, we get into this explosive argument about the merits of hand-washing dishes, which i’m fucking around about and he’s not fucking around about even a little, and when he goes to sleep next to me, all 67 inches of him are still vibrating with raw gay fury. that’s why people live together. for the stability. sorry, not the stability, that’s not the right word. that makes it sound like i’m talking about finances or domesticity or some shit. i’m talking about knowing how you’re gonna die. 

it’s the same reason people buy those giant exotic snakes and let them sleep in their bed. they’re like “it loves me!” but you know when they bought that thing, they saw their past, present, and future, and they resigned themselves that it was for sure gonna eat them one day. you see an interview someone does about their big cuddly boa constrictor and then like two days later, the story’s: “snake owner found asphyxiated due to strangulation, sections of flesh missing.” you don’t go “oh no, what happened!” it’s a boa constrictor. its name is its job. anyway, eddie might love me, but when i die, it’s definitely because he killed me. i leave my clothes in the washer for like a whole day after i wash them, every single time. i know one day he’s gonna snap, and im cool with it

[snootyfoxfashion]

Mushroom Babies Art Print by FreyaHartasShop

[upseting]

[rindeservedbetter-deactivated20]

don’t even fucking talk to me unless you’ve watched this.

[lapanona]

Damn people got paid to do VA for this?

[rindeservedbetter-deactivated20]

bold of you to assume they had more than one voice actor for this show.

[ancientalienofficial]

why is the audio quality so good and everything else isnt?

[keplercryptids]

adulthood gets such a bad rep and like yeah, a lot of adult things do suck (thanks, capitalism). but i do worry about what constant complaints about adulthood do to depressed kids and teens who feel trapped and sort of like adulthood is the only way out of their current situation.

so let me tell you, in case you haven't heard this ever, that in my experience, being an adult is 100x better than being a kid or teenager. being able to more or less control my living space and who i spend time with, being able to prioritize my health and wellbeing, being able to be who i truly am and pursue my interests and hobbies... all of that is worth the other dumb stuff, and none of it was possible when i was a minor. honestly, I've just gotten happier and happier the older I've gotten.

being an adult is GOOD. and it can be good for you too.

[keplercryptids]

im loving that so many people are rbing this to agree that adulthood fucking slaps. cuz it does.

[elegybeatty]

WHAT!?!?!??!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AHABSHVSHSVSHSIVSHSVSHSVAIBSBWHEYSVQVWVHSJBSYUSHVSGHSYS

[ununquadius]

Incorrect answers only: what are the meanings of these Spanish words?

Gafar

Avieso

Cañería

[emospaceman]

gafar: verb. to gaf

avieso: adj. bird-like

cañería: noun. a place to buy canes

[just-shower-thoughts]

Mrs. Incredible can stretch or squeeze her body at her will, so she chooses to have a dump truck of an ass.

[adamthegirl]

california wildfires surrounding coronavirus protocols sign. 2020 in an image.

photo by noah berger

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

This looks like something you’d see in a clip advertising a post-apoc survival shooter

[godza-remake-deactivated2022061]

being evil and being mean are different. being mean is hurting people and doing bad stuff but being evil is just sometimes wearing a gay little labcoat and making gay little poisons

[xvisualtreasure09x]

[scoutsmoocrew]

I don’t know I think it’s unfair to call a dead man an “ignorant misogynist”... it’s disrespect

as a 21st century American I feel very little need to show respect to King Henry VIII tbh

[feyspore]

first real villain in Scasatelit! i would’ve wirtten more about vos but i need to go to sleep T_T

pronouns vo goes by are listed here: https://pronouny.xyz/u/teraphobia

[jebbabunga]

✨💗him also💗✨

[cherriielle]

kid the death 💀

[armadawathes]

actually you know what

crona/soul and crona/kid are nice too