[emotional-trainride]

platform 1O

crazy how 2 years can feel like a lifetime ago. i am a completely new person now… if i’m being honest, i haven’t been the same since we broke up. it was disappointing reading my earlier blogs about you, disappointing that i let us down. more importantly that i let that 17 year old down. that 17 year old who was so in love with you and so in love with life. that 17 year old who knew that you were the only thing she ever wanted. if i could redo everything i would. i am only slightly seeing now how we weren’t made for each other but i still wouldn’t change us getting together. i would change how i ended things. i would be better at it. be more honest and communicate better. i’m so sorry i let us down. no denying that the past 2 years were the absolute hardest years i’ve gone through. so many mistakes made but the hardest thing was watching you get the love you deserved, the wife you deserved and it not being me. that fucking sucked. i still think about you. nearly daily. i dream of you often. i keep trying but my brain (or is it my heart?) won’t let me forget your touch. it’s a bitch.

19-april-2024

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1N

grieving // verb

feel intense sorrow

on the 28th of june at 9am, that’s when we first met. you have been in my life for 127 days. i came to you when i was at a very low point, seeking guidance and well… i guess, someone i can be honest with. honest about where i really was mentally. it was refreshing. we caught up once a week for six weeks then our catch ups have been stretched out further and further and now i have one more left in 3 months time. week by week i slowly let my guard down and continued to open up more and more. and suddenly you were it. you were the one person who knew everything that went on in my head. i could be honest with you and openly talk about how mentally drained i was without feeling uncomfortable or like a burden. naturally i got attached. you are a dad-like figure for me. you told me you were proud of me for the progress i was making, you genuinely cared that i made it to every session and that i kept myself safe in between them. i felt loved and valued. the only issue i’ve found with this program was joining when i was at my lowest because i was (and still am) so vulnerable with you. i feel very connected to you because you have been helping me out of this low point. i understand that i am just a client of yours but to me, you are my saviour. you equipped me with the tools i needed and held my hand as i faced these battles. i’m still fighting some but unfortunately i’m learning to fight on my own. i still have all of your tips and tricks though helping me through.

now the reason for this train ride? it’s finally hit me that we have one more session. the only way i could explain it to someone is that i feel i’m going through a breakup. i am grieving you. you won’t be in my life forever and i’m needing to move on. obviously you’re going to hold a special place in my heart. you saved me. i don’t want to start again and reopen up because let’s be honest, no one will compare to you but i know i need to. i’m not sure how long my grieving process will be but i’ll get through. i know i will because you helped me and showed me how strong i really am and i will forever be grateful for you. you and thor.

02-november-2021

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1M

i truly believe it’s you. i believe you’re my endgame. there’s just something in my gut that says so… but it’s funny… that gut feeling is the reason i’m going back to therapy. i need to change that way of thinking. we don’t exist in each other’s lives. you’ve stepped into the light and you’re shining bright in the worlds eyes. i’m just another cliché that dreams of a different life far away from the one she’s living. another cliché that dreams of a life with you. traveling and seeing the world for the first time. you taking me to secret little places you discovered when you first travelled. there is absolutely no way that i was put on this world to only stay in this city. no. fucking. way. yes my whole life is here. everyone and everything i’ve ever known but man i’d leave it all in a heart beat and never return if it meant i was able to be free with you.

i don’t know. it’s just good to dream i suppose. everyone has to have an escape… this life i’ve created. this dream. you in general. you’re my escape.

22-june-2021

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1L

i’ve started to lose touch with reality again. it doesn’t help that i keep having really vivid dreams. in those dreams i’m on these adventures and i’m with someone... i can never identify who but i know they’re the same person, i can just feel it. i’m starting to feel different. love different. i don’t think i’m dreaming about a certain person necessarily but the feeling i get and i get this feeling from different people. whether they’re in my life or a daydream. i have these new desires to go out into the world now and find this feeling. search for this consist buzz i get after i wake up from those dreams. often my workplace has traces of this feeling. my only issue is that i cannot figure out if it is from certain people there or that’s where i can zone out and daydream. i can’t tell anymore. every morning once i wake up from these dreams, i slowly lose my grip on reality even more. it’s not healthy, i know that... but it’s keeping me going? it gets me to work every day in hopes of finding more about this feeling. it motivates me to take care of myself because what if i actually find this feeling? or the person who has been giving me this buzz? i need to be prepared for it and have myself ready for that adventure.

20-april-2021

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1K

you and i? we’ve actually met many times before. never in the same place though. it’s always somewhere new but we always know eachother. we always learn more about eachother. i see you as this delicate soul. one who has to be tough and mysterious to the world but i am one of the few that you have let your walls down in front of. i’ve created you in my head to be such a hero. a protector. a lover. a gentle human.

but you’re not. i have no idea who you are. i only know you from my dreams. you don’t know me and i know that you never will. because souls like ours can never met. you’re free and flying high and i’m stuck on the surface roaming around in circles. that’s just how it is.

3-november-2020

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1J

dear grandpa,

this morning i woke up at 5:13am. i had a later night than usual but was wide awake with no hope of getting back to sleep. our cousins groupchat was blowing up with everyone sending their favourite photos of you. i just thought we were all finally digging through all of the photos. little did i know... i heard a car pull in the drive way around 6:43am then a few minutes later mum came into my room and told me the news. i didn’t quite know what to do in that moment. if you remember the last time i saw you, i had my friend with me? he’s actually my boyfriend grandpa and i’m glad you got to see him at least. he was the first person i messaged. i heard dad come up stairs and mum followed to his room where he broke down. he sobbed and cried out to you. i hope you heard. “i’m sorry dad. i’m so so sorry. i’m sorry dad... i’m sorry you were alone.” i’ve never seen your son like that grandpa. never ever. i didn’t quite know what to do but i wanted to just be present so i got up and joined them. i sat down on the bed and just hugged my dad while he sobbed in mum’s lap. i heard mums comforting words but i couldn’t even tell you them exactly because i was still in shock. after a minute or two my sister came and joined us on the bed and we all just cried. a while later my brother arrived home with some breakfast. we sat around eating and sharing our stories of you. when i think about it, i know for a fact that you weren’t alone in those early hours this morning. i know those angels had returned and they walked you home. i know you’re well and safe. say hello to uncle for us. enjoy your jam sessions with elvis. give ace a pat for us. i look forward to being greeted by you and your ukulele when i join you in paradise. until we meet again grandpa.

oute alofa ia oe

23-october-2020

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1I

how tonight’s phone call went:

me- how can i help you cope when you’re missing me?

“show me your love”

me- it’s going to be impossible for me to be able to completely show you. i’m going to be spending the rest of my life trying to show you just how much i love you. every day is a new day to show you this love. no matter what happens, i am going to continue to love you. until the very last breath. it’s you and me. forever and always.

30-june-2020

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1H

i remember the first time you told me you loved me. i was having a breakdown (what’s new) and you were right beside me comforting me. when you were listing a bunch of reasons why i meant so much to you and without thinking, out slipped those three words. i was already on a roller coaster of emotions then throw in some more after that, safe to say i was overloaded but also mostly in shock.

now lots has happened since then. i eventually said it back - i wanted to make sure i did actually love you and i wasn’t just saying it in the heat of the moment (which you helped me clarify later that night when we called). so since then we have said a couple more things; forever and always and only you. which i love so much. i love us so much. i remember i said forever and always and you said only you which in a funny way comforts me? i don’t know if you realise but i will forever love you. you’re my first love. every time you say only you, it reassures me that i’m the only one for you and it makes my heart skip a beat. and of course one of our main rules which is ‘we will never get into an arguement of who loves eachother more’ (we have one more rule which is never break a promise)

tonight though i saw something which said ‘with every heartbeat’ which i just adored. i remember i once read this text post that said something along the lines of, “your heart creates enough energy to drive a truck or car 30kms everyday. in a lifetime equals driving to the moon and back (768,800km). when someone says they love you to the moon and back they’re basically saying that they will love you with every beat of their heart for the rest of their life.” and i don’t know why but i thought of that quote/fact because i honestly love you with every heartbeat. i don’t believe there is anyone else out there for me, i believe that we were made for eachother. with every heartbeat i will love you, appreciate you, being grateful for what i have but also remember that i am equally as loved.

23-january-2020

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1G

so much has changed since the last time i was on here. you and i have gone so much further in our relationship since the last time being active.

i’ve decided that here is the place where i’m going to write down all of my fantasies and wishes... sort of in hope of you seeing it but also me telling someone about it. so here it goes?

our wedding;

we get through this year as smoothly as we can... then next year, i guess whatever our hearts desire? at some stage i wouldn’t mind you making a promise to me with that ring i showed you (i’ve become very fond of the blue). then however much time goes by. on the 25th of may we go to my lookout where you asked me out, we have a picnic dinner and then that’s where you take a knee. of course i’m going to say yes. more time passes. 15th of november is the day we get hitched just to keep the same anniversary and from there, we travel the world. paris first because you know what i want to do there...

14-january-2020

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1F

winking... such a powerful but goofy thing right? someone winking at you could be a subtle signal to do something or you could be playing a game. it could be something from a stranger that might make you uncomfortable or just something someone can do when there’s not much that can be done.

it’s crazy what a little wink can do. some people just wink at everyone for everything but others have more powerful winks. for example when i was in my exam yesterday and he was standing outside, he was just looking at me and winked at me which 1. made me smile like a giddy prep girl 2. helped me keep going through the exam. quicker i finished, quicker it was over, quicker i could talk to him. i melted though when he winked because he’s so good at it. some people can’t wink subtly and have to move their whole face and open their mouth to do so (me) but his winks. just him in general.

13-june-2019

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1E

admire // verb :

look at (something impressive or attractive) with pleasure.

for me i’ve always used this word when looking at something i find beautiful. when i hear this word i tend to think of artworks or sunsets, both things i can sit and look at for hours and hours and still find beauty in it or still be in awe from. i never thought about this word so much until someone used it in a way that has changed my view and understanding of it. this guy very dear to my heart told me that when we were in a group of people, talking and laughing, he was admiring me. my smile and my laugh. and i was shocked at first because no one has ever ‘admired’ me before. no one has just stopped and looked at me with pleasure. he didn’t see it as a big deal but i did. days later and i’m still thinking about it because it has changed me. i couldn’t be more happy though because usually i’d feel super insecure with a guy looking at me with such interest but the fact that it was during such a pure moment surrounded by laughter calms me. he got to see me in a state that i haven’t been in a long time and i am glad.

9-june-2019

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1D

everyone has two love tanks. everyone - whether they’ve discovered it or not. most people know about the main love tank which is filled by your 5 love languages - physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service & receiving gifts. for me that would be physical touch then quality time and words of affirmation but only from certain people. but this second tank runs off a special type of fuel... one that does use the love languages but it all depends on who is giving you the love. for me that’s only fuelled up by him. it’s indescribable how but there’s that love you can only get from those certain people that just keep you substained. you know what i mean... where it’s cuddles from your puppy, a good hour or two just sitting and talking with your mother or your partners company. sometimes when you’ve been running on empty for a while with the main tank you need a good jumpstart from your second tank. more extreme cases you can only survive off the second tank. sometimes you can run on empty with the second tank and it won’t bother you at all. everyone is different. in my experience i need the main tank to always be close to full. when it reaches half a tank, it’s hell for me... you can then imagine me on empty... the second tank, the fuel in that one usually lasts me longer but when i need a top up, i need a solid 5 minute hug from him. but that’s when i’ve reached half a tank... when i’m on empty i need a lot more than that. you know when it’s been empty for a while because the other tank gets drained so much quicker too. both of my tanks though? currently empty.

7-may-2019

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1C

and just like, i’ve had a change in heart. if i could change one thing about last year... i wouldn’t stop myself from doing whatever the hell i did with him like i say i would, not because i finally see that what happened made me stronger or help me grow or some bullshit like that but because i was young and dumb. i still am and guaranteed i will make that mistake again and hopefully learn but the thing i would change is that friendship i had. i would change it so i wouldn’t be ashamed of transferring all of my photographs, my memories, the greatest days of my life to the hard drive instead of deleting them just because she was watching over my shoulder and judging my old friendships with her enemies at the time. honestly, i hate myself for doing that. i still can’t believe i did that. they’re gone forever and yeah there’s still the memories but they’re fading more and more every day that passes.

august-2018

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1B

i hate the way you treat me.

you take advantage of me and it hurts. i showed you my soul. i’ve never showed anyone my soul. what hurts the most though is that i mistook your rough hands tearing me apart from the inside out for a gentle touch. when i told you my story, i thought things changed but i guess it’s a little cycle we fall into. i think everything is changing and i open up to you, i think we’re all perfect again, i see you doing those simple actions, i lose it and take my angry out on myself then it happens all over again. and again. and again. and again. i’ve tried to break the cycle but you can’t break patterns. can’t break the way someone lives.

june-2018

[emotional-trainride]

platform 1A

saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing i’ve done. i sobbed so loud, i had to use my jumper to silence myself. i was shaking so much, i had to curl up in a ball. i’m glad i had that pack of tissues.

even though you’re a fictional character. you still broke my heart.

1-may-2018