Another One Bites the Dust
I've had generally good situations with some very accomplished, outwardly kind, intelligent men. Men many wonder how or why I "left."
People ask, how could I meet all these "good" men, yet I've never been a mother or a wife?
Had I made different choices, I could've been a mother several times over. But that drive was never strong in me.
These men would've loved for me to bear a child because that would've been the easiest form of redemption. Start over. Get a moment of supreme pleasure in the bargain. Create a new person full of love, with no (immediate) expectations… give them time to catch up, to be worthy of the things they ask for. In their imagination, this act of creation would magically create capacity for the adult side of the relationship.
But for me, the stronger drive was partnership. To build a harmonious life with someone I loved and cherished, who felt the same. Shared values and dreams flowing into shared manifestations, support for our individual selves. You have to know yourself on a certain kind of level for that kind of love.
So because I ask(ed) for maturity growth healing self awareness/ self mastery reciprocation upfront?
Because I didn't want a baby, but a grown man to live and love with before I considered that prospect?
I've been left alone, or had to leave.
Another heartbreak has laid me low… and as much as I still believe in the sacredness of desire, I have to give up one of my deepest ones to save myself. I always thought that in a "loveless" world, I'd be able to create love in my home, so it hurts to see how we've created a place where our ability to care for, relate to, and engage with one another on these intimate levels is so compromised.
I've been saying it for years: if and when love finds you, and it shines a light on your shit, don't blame the love or the light. Clean your shit up (you've already had a lifetime…), and be grateful for the blessing before you.
Defile the gift that comes from a powerful hand, and you may not get another.