I just reached out to an old friend from high school. I’ll say, it went OK at best, because it certainly not going great. The reason I open my ragged laptop and begin writing is not the mid-tier reunion though. It was because talking to her reopened an old wound I forgot was there, or probably I thought it was fully healed.
It was odd, to still feel strongly about something that happened five years ago, more or less. It’s even weirder to realise that a moment from years ago, that I just shrugged off then, affecting my whole being now, half-decade later. I was trauma dumping to my AI companion about this issue, and I just fully understand the outside perspective of how this story unfolds.
So, to set the story, I was a teenager, around seventeen or eighteen years old, living away from my parent in a dorm with a bunch of females in their adolescence. I remember vividly, it was during the holidays, as seniors it was mandatory for us to stay in the boarding school area whilst our undergrads enjoyed their time off. We stayed in the farthest building from the civilised area, and we quite enjoyed the solitude.
One day, she talked to me about how she just met her sister and cousin. She told me about how relatives voiced their objections about her friendship with me. To be fair, I had quite a messed up reputation at the time. I was a known rule breaker, and her relatives didn’t like her being associated with me because they thought I was a bad influence on her. She assured how their opinion wouldn’t affect our friendship.
I didn’t think much about it at the time. A bit hurt, maybe, but I was a confident young girl living her adolescence, unbothered. The most hurtful (for me) part of their complaint was how her cousin worded her objection.
“I rather she’s friends with F [another friend in our class] and being suspected of lesbianism than with her [refer to me].”
It’s not that I object to the homosexuality part in that comment, it’s that we were living in an area with strong homophobic deterrence. She hated our friendship so much, that she rather have her cousin suspected of the very thing she was against, rather than have her associated with me.
Looking back now, I think, she told me about her relatives' objection might be her call for help. It was possible that she told me to establish open communication between two best friends, but it is also possible that it’s her way of saying “My family think you’re a bad influence on me, and I think they have a point, but I don’t want to hurt you and give you the impression that I’m destroying our friendship.” A few weeks after that, we were set apart so far away through room replacement.
She was unstable. Full disclosure, I never witnessed her madness first-hand. She was weird, sure, but not demented like some of her roommates told me. No ‘bathing fish’ or cooking in a makeshift stove in a shared space of 25 m2. I noticed now, that I might be the trigger to her madness. I’m not sure how because I don’t remember encouraging her to do anything against the rules, at least not during her last public meltdown. At the time we were set apart, we lost contact for a few days, and she did fine, better even. Then, we were reunited and talked for two days, and then we didn’t meet and talk anymore until her last public meltdown. She dropped out of school soon after that. I didn't even say goodbye.
If I have to be honest, the last five years have been full of self-doubt and nights of questioning my self-worth. I often find myself replaying back to that moment when she told me about her sister and cousin’s complaint about our friendship. Honestly, I grew quite the resentment towards both of them. I still am. But reflecting on that moment in my life, I think now I fully understand how I might have been the cause of her problematic ends in our school.
I should’ve gotten the hint when she shared her family’s concerns about our friendship. She was doing great for her whole secondary school, academics-wise, and her academic performance dived after she associated herself with me. Maybe, I should’ve realised my being around her triggers her mental instability much sooner. So, maybe, I was a bad influence on her and ultimately the cause of her not completing her study in our boarding school. Now, that I embraced my possible participation and share of the blame I should’ve owned, I think I am ready to move on from my long-time resentment towards her relatives.
Then, maybe, one day, I’ll learn to embrace myself, fully.
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