Elio wasn’t sure how long he had stared, barely registering as the former deity spoke. Even his voice was familiar.
Surely it was a trick? After all, why would Elemiah abandon him? Disappear and just now return? Why- when had he fallen?
His mood settled on hurt. Concerned— hopeful, even… But hurt. He stepped back and opened the door wider for the other immortal to enter, still at a loss for words as he struggled with maintaining his quickly crumbling composure. It was simply too much. He didn’t know if it was truly him, but if so, Elio wasn’t quite sure where to even begin.
Elio sought out his gaze, voice tenderly asking, “How do I know… That it’s really you?”
The expression on Elio’s face hit him like a train. Perhaps it would have been easier if he had been immediately furious with him, instead of how utterly hurt and shocked he looked. Elemiah didn’t register his surroundings as the door opened wider and he tentatively stepped inside.
Instead he met Elio’s gaze and the sound of his voice made Enzo’s heart ache. He didn’t know if Elio would allow him to touch him after all this time, so the way he closed the gap between them was tentative, allowing him time to step away until he stood within close proximity.
Enzo raised his hand to Elio’s cheek, using the pad of his thumb to gently trace the line of a scar that wasn’t visible, but he knew to be there beneath the magic. He followed it exactly from memory, until it stopped and disappeared into his hairline. “I used to say to people that death was like being carried to your bed, half asleep. Tucked beneath the covers, you can see a trickle of light through the door and the faint sound of those who love you talking downstairs.” Enzo said softly, sadness creeping into his voice, before his hand dropped away.
Elio’s palms formed fists at his sides, fighting both the urge to pull Elemiah into an embrace and to slap him with a touch of holy fire. The sea of emotions had returned to the deity, feeling even more assured with the former deity’s words that it was indeed him. But why? Why now? Elio had combed every inch of the Divine realm looking for Elemiah when he had gone missing, thinking the other was trying a bit too hard to be true to his name.
“They said you ceased,” he offered gruffly. It had been the general assumption. The desired one for most in their culture, versus the alternative. Apparently they had been wrong.
One hand reached up hesitantly to touch Elemiah’s cheek, gaze studying where the tips of his fingers made contact. He muttered the same conclusion again under his breath in disbelief as he did so, still trying to process the shock.
“I can understand that...” Enzo replied. He had guessed that those around him would assume he had chosen to cease. There was very little worse than what he had become and ceasing should have been the chosen option. He hadn’t expected anyone to correct them. “I…” He paused, momentarily taken aback by the touch to his cheek and for a moment, he tried to follow Elio’s gaze and understand what he might be thinking.
“I came to see if you might let me explain.” Elemiah admitted. Explain why you abandoned him with no explanation? Explain why you didn’t confide in him? A voice appeared in Elemiah’s mind.
The elder nodded, pulling his hand back as his lips curled into a frown. An explanation would certainly help. He couldn’t help but feel burned by what Elemiah had done, knowing the other’s fall likely had nothing to do with him and yet selfishly simultaneously feeling like the one slighted. Like he had fallen. Had he not been enough? Was there some problem with himself he was simply blind to?
Matthew’s fall had been something Elio had long since reflected on, but even then the councilman had hardly known Matthew prior to his fall from Grace. Elemiah however… The two of them had been companions for decades prior to his disappearance. He had been practically glued to the younger deity, and yet… Had he not noticed? Been too ignorant to see any changes? Were they simply not as close as Elio had presumed? The insults Matthew often hurled at him came flashing to the forefront of his mind. So many complimented and praised him anymore, yet in moments like this Elio was more inclined to believe Matthew’s cutting words. Otherwise, how could this surely have happened? How was he unable to prevent even Elemiah’s fall? And why had the other fallen to begin with?
Elio was itching for an explanation. He wanted to know everything, even if he would have to settle for what Elemiah was willing to say. The years had felt longer in recent decades, and yet Elio was willing to bet the fall still felt fresh for Elemiah. He motioned for Elemiah to follow as he made his way into his living room and poured himself a whiskey from his bar cart. It wasn’t for himself though— no, he knew he would likely drink later. Instead he held it out for Elemiah rather expectantly.
The guilt felt heavy on Elemiah’s chest and he hadn’t even begun to try and put his sorry excuse of an explanation into words.
He followed Elio further into his home and paused by the bar cart, taking the drink of amber liquid into his hand. While perhaps he could have used the numbness the alcohol would surely deliver, he found himself reluctant to drink it. It never helped, he’d seen plenty of evidence for that. Still, he gratefully nodded.
Where was he even supposed to begin? What was he going to say that didn’t make it seem like Elio had meant nothing to him? When in fact it had been the exact opposite.
Every word seemed stuck in his throat as he stared at him, “Before…. it happened,” Elemiah began, hearing his own voice waver, “I was struggling to keep the amount of spirits I was seeing at bay. I felt like I was drowning in their voices. I was used to dealing with death but I— there was so much death, Elio. Unnecessary death. We never helped them. We could have been doing more and we settled for nothing because we were taught that we needed to let things run their course. Our influence wasn’t reaching them, we weren’t loud enough to make an impact and it was showing.” Pain rattled his voice and deepened the furrow in his brow. “I tried, but— I listened to people every day. Good people. Who could have offered so much more and there was no alternative.” He stopped, realising perhaps he just sounded weak. “We let the atomic bomb happen. The war. eighty-five million.” Elemiah stopped, realising how hard he was clutching the glass and quickly set it down on the side.
Elio immediately felt uncomfortable as Elemiah spoke, seemingly justifying why he fell. Death was natural from Elio’s perspective, even if it was violent at times. Life was never fair for mortals, but the fragility of it all was often what made it so beautiful from the deity’s perspective.
He had thought Elemiah had felt similar considering his strengths as a deity, and how much he was beloved by spirits he helped find peace in death. After hearing what the demon had to say, Elio felt sympathetic that it became too much for Elemiah— and wished he had voiced the weight of it getting to him more back when they had been a part of each other’s lives. It still didn’t excuse whatever he had done that led to the fall however, which led Elio to ask, “When it became too much… What did you do, Elemiah?”
Elemiah felt that weight growing heavier on his chest when Elio responded with little more than a singular question in return. He couldn’t blame him for it. He’d cared for Elio more than anyone and yet he hadn’t stopped to confide in him when he should have.
“I…” Elemiah paused, the lump in his throat visibly moving as he swallowed. “I tried to change it.” He quietly admitted. It wasn’t a proud confession, not in the least. “I used my magic to try and change it.”
The response was vague enough for the pit in Elio’s stomach to sour, able to piece together what Elemiah was alluding to. Playing with life and death… Changing fate was unheard of— an act that all deities knew wasn’t sanctioned. For Elemiah to think it was somehow permissible or that he would succeed…
Obviously the former deity had snapped… A mental breakdown of sorts, if Elio had to summarize what had just been conveyed. Ruminating on the topic wouldn’t change Elemiah’s fate at this point, nor would it improve Elio’s heartbroken mood. He had grieved the loss of Elemiah for some time, and seeing him now felt like salt in a wound. He felt conflicted he realized. Not quite sure which emotion he wanted to let dominate his mood.
He sat with a sigh in an armchair and rested his arms on his legs, leaning forward. He wanted to ask if he was okay, although Elio doubted anyone who fell was simply okay. At least not initially. Had Elemiah come to terms with it? He would ask eventually. Fingers clasped together he thought for a moment in silence before glancing over at the demon and settling on asking, “Why now?”
Watching Elio react to what he had done was a new level of suffering, one that he’d cowardly tried to avoid for the past eighty years and while he’d expected it, experiencing it in real life was something else entirely. Perhaps Matthew was right, he should have saved Elio the pain and disappointment of seeing him like this altogether…
For Elemiah, the hours that passed felt torturous and yet at the same time, it felt like his fall had been just yesterday. “I’ve been alone for a long time, trying to adjust… process.” Although he didn’t think he ever would. “I should have tried to talk to you and I didn’t.” His words felt fragmented, awkward, pathetic, despite his numerous years dwelling on each one. “I wanted to try to explain, with some stupid hope that you might understand even an ounce of what I was saying and that you could—“ Elemiah paused, Elio could what? Hold him again? Take comfort in him again? Allow Elemiah to be in the same room and feel something that wasn’t the crushing emptiness he’d felt in all the years spent without him? “I had a foolish and selfish hope that maybe you might have missed me as much as I’ve missed you… and that somehow you wouldn’t look at me the way you are right now.”
“That doesn’t quite answer my question,” Elio pointed out softly, studying the features of Elemiah and noting how he’d changed since they last parted. “Are you staying? —In the city, I mean. Or is this a one time thing?”
“What?” Elemiah replied gently, confused for a moment why it mattered, “Yes, I was going to stay.” He told him, wondering if Elio’s role required him to be aware of any new arrivals in the city, too. Especially when it happened to be a demon. Perhaps he’d already managed to accidentally break a rule upon his arrival. “I heard about the new laws that you have in place here. I don’t feed or use my magic unless I have to, so I was curious when I heard that you all decided to only permit consensual feeding.” Elemiah admitted. He wasn’t entirely sure how that worked when it was so difficult to police, but it was a small factor to his arrival.
Elio was silently relieved to hear Elemiah was staying. “Gossip spreads fast,” he muttered, knowing news of Artemis and what had happened in their city had begun spreading outward past the city limits. “Consent when feeding off souls is something I’d hope you’ve always strived for, but yes… it’s being more heavily encouraged now— not that I expect many demons to fall in line if I’m honest. Having one’s soul fed off of is hazardous for most to even consider voluntarily doing,” Elio replied, avoiding Elemiah’s gaze again as he all but rambled on. Elio has no desire to think about how many the former deity may have killed over the years just to survive.
“I wouldn’t have said it was gossip.” Elemiah replied with a small shrug. The topic seemed so trivial in comparison to where they had begun, but Elemiah would have been lying if he said he wasn’t relieved to have the very brief moment of reprieve. “Yes, Elio. I am well aware of consent. I didn’t fall and lose everything I was before, contrary to popular belief.” He replied. His tone wasn’t harsh or snappy, it still held his usual patience, but he wasn’t going to subscribe to being lumped in with every single demon that roamed the earth all of a sudden. “I can imagine it’s challenging, but surely something worthwhile pursuing.” Not that he was in any position to pass judgement on what seemed like a good idea right now. “Why do you ask?” Elemiah said, returning to Elio’s originally question.
Elio tensed, biting back the defensive desire to agree he didn’t think falling had radically changed the former deity. He did, after all, believe that many who fell were still inherently good. “Ask if you’re staying? You showed up on my doorstep after almost a century… A ghost,” he explained, gesturing towards the door. “Is it that odd I would ask if this is not much more than a fever dream? If I will say goodbye to you today and that’s it?”
“I was wrong to have left you the way that I did,” Elemiah replied, “if you think I did so with ease, you’d be mistaken.” He’d spent so much of his life with Elio at his side that to suddenly be apart from him had felt jarring. Missing him was an understatement. Grief was an understatement.
“If I had come to you earlier, would it have changed anything?” He asked, not expecting an answer. “I knew where you stood when it came to demon’s, Elio… I was naive to a lot of things, but not naive enough to believe you’d still care for me.” Elemiah paused, watching the other man, “It was cowardly, but facing saying goodbye to you wasn’t something I could bear.”
The apology had a numbing effect— welcomed even though the wound of Elemiah’s deception was still present. Elio knew it was honest though— genuine as he read the other’s emotions as he spoke.
But it hurt to consider his own answer, knowing he wasn’t really sure how he would have handled Elemiah’s fall at the time. Perhaps he would have handled it as best he could? Elio knew he certainly would have appreciated the honesty… But he also knew his view of fallen was far more shaped by what they had been taught to believe at one point in his life. His opinion on it had changed slowly over time, but the council member was more than willing to admit it was a more recent shift in views— one that was not popular, to boot. Would he have cared for Elemiah still? Yes. But would he have stayed close? He was not quite so confident. It was possible Elemiah would have helped changed his view of fallen even sooner, but it was just as possible Elio would have sent him away, knowing it was what was expected. He held more compassion for fallen now, but was willing to admit it had been a slow process over the last hundred or so years.
“I can’t offer you an answer to that. Not honestly,” Elio responded softly, hating to think of hypotheticals. He was not who he was when they parted, for better or worse, and he much preferred to focus on the present. “I also cannot offer you absolution. In fact I’m probably the worse case scenario in terms of comfort right now I would imagine,” he added with a wry grin. Elio’s followers suffered and endured. It was grim, and far from the peace that Elemiah had offered them in moments before death.
“I suppose it matters very little now.” The damage had already been done, in more than one respect. It was in the very least a relief to see Elio smile for a brief moment. “I’m not sure you’re right, but I’m inclined to agree with you right now.” He replied. Despite Elio’s purpose, Elemiah had always managed to find comfort in him.
The fallen deity paused for a moment, unsure where they were supposed to continue from here. “Would you prefer it if you said goodbye to me today and didn’t have to see me again?” He murmured. “Or to pretend this is just a fever dream?”
"No," Elio responded calmly, shaking his head. "But what I want is inconsequential." It always had been- a mantra, almost, that Elio regularly reminded himself of. "What is it you want, Elemiah? Now that you've said your piece."
“Is it?” Elemiah asked him, but paused, exhaling a breath. “It might have been nice to pretend this is just a fever dream that neither of us have to be responsible for later.” He replied thoughtfully, averting his gaze for the first time to elsewhere in the room, “But I think what I want also holds little meaning now.” There was a hint of a sad smile, “So perhaps I should just try to move along with my life in whatever capacity I’m able.”
"And what does that look like?" Elio asked before he could think twice, itching to know what Elemiah was up to now that he had returned to the deity's orbit of influence. He was upset and overwhelmed, thinking surely he would need a drink after to continue to process everything he'd rapidly learned.. But he also had missed Elemiah, and could feel his resolve cracking.
“Becoming a tour guide?” Elemiah replied with a faint smile of amusement. He’d always been somewhat of a sponge when it came to absorbing knowledge so the profession had seemed like something that would keep him distracted and his mind busy. Besides, he’d always enjoyed knowing he’d helped someone else learn something. “Walking tours. It’ll keep me busy for a little while, I hope. Plus, I enjoy the hat.” He teased, though he really did like the Vievecor City cap they’d given him. It felt strange to be speaking so casually and so he cleared his throat to try and reign himself back from falling into how they had always been, despite wanting to.
“A tour guide?” Elio repeated back the words with a mixture of surprise, confusion and amusement. He jokingly continued, “What? We couldn’t find someone more tenured for the gig, hm?”
The deity’s gaze softened, as did his voice as he requested, “Come here, Elemiah.” He extended an arm as he spoke, finding his own resolve weakening in response to the former deity. He had been reading the other’s emotions since Elemiah walked in the door, and the selfish part of Elio hated seeing his current state, even if the deity questioned what the best next move for both of them was in that moment.
“I’ve already been told how ridiculous it is.” Elemiah replied, though he didn’t bring up the conversation he’d had with Matthew. That seemed like a little bit too much to bear all in one sitting. “I’m a fountain of knowledge wherever I go, I’ll have you know.” He teased him in return, allowing himself just one more amused smile. For a moment, it was nice to hold onto these brief moments had once been normality.
Elemiah was taken aback when Elio requested he go to him, but he did so willingly and closed the gap that was left between them, despite not knowing what he wanted.
The moment Elemiah was close enough, Elio reached out and pulled him into an embrace. His arms encircled the other’s frame and he firmly pulled the demon’s body flush against his own.
He wasn’t the same deity as when Elemiah had left him— and Elio wasn’t sure it was even possible to return to how they were formerly… Elemiah had quite literally changed as well, and Elio couldn’t deny an element of trust had been broken between them, regardless of reason. It was something that would have to be addressed with time, and not something that could be resolved then and there. Still, keeping such distance between them when Elemiah was right there before him, felt wildly unnecessary. He had mourned the deity, and in another way found himself mourning that deity all over again. And yet— here was Elemiah returned to him, and Elio knew words alone weren’t enough.
“It’s not ridiculous. It’s a perfect fit, knowing you.”
Elemiah’s arms lay limp at his sides for a moment when Elio embraced him. Physical contact was not something that had even crossed his mind ever since his fall and he realised in that moment how long it had been since he had felt someone’s arms around him. It mattered mostly that it was Elio to be the one holding him.
Elemiah moved his arms when the brief moment of shock passed and they wrapped around the deity in return, loose at first, before he held onto him more firmly. The demon squeezed his eyes shut, the brief flashes of memories of time spent together passing his closed lids, before he forced them and the feeling that came along with picturing the Divine Realm and Elio down somewhere that it couldn’t torment him. Elemiah wanted to graze fingers against the back of Elio’s head, but he stopped himself, instead trying to ease the tense muscles in his own shoulders.
“If you find yourself at a loss, perhaps you should come to one. Test my knowledge…” He spoke fondly, but he had no real expectation for Elio to actually do so. He couldn’t be sure he would see him again after this and Elemiah had to be okay with that, even when he wasn’t.
“I find myself at a loss quite often these days,” Elio half joked, adding, “But I wouldn’t be opposed to catching up more some time you’re free.” He had no doubt he would come across Elemiah’s work whether intentionally or accidentally at some point now, but the opportunity to chat more once he had had some time to think was something he desired more than a tour. “If you desire my company, I am easy to find.”
Elemiah eased himself back from their embrace, despite not wanting to part from it. “I’d like that.” He replied. Elemiah had a feeling he’d find himself with plenty of time on his hands. He was partly dreading the continuation of this new ‘normality’ he’d found himself in and partly relieved to be free from the confinement he’d forced himself into for so long. “Okay, then… I guess I’ll see you soon.” Now it was his turn to believe perhaps he was dreaming, but the evidence pointed otherwise. “I should leave you to it, I feel I’ve disrupted your evening enough as it is.” He murmured.
Elio couldn't help but feel disheartened as Elemiah pulled away, but resisted the urge to project such emotions out of fear he was already overstepping and reading the other's wants incorrectly. "Elemiah," he spoke softly, reaching up to cup the former deity's cheek. He swallowed down the concern and desire to ask more of the being before him, knowing that was never his role. Instead he confidently reassured, "It will be okay."
Elemiah would have stayed for as long as Elio would have held him, but right now he didn’t feel as though he deserved much more of his affection and perhaps a part of him didn’t dare to want more than he could have. His eyes fluttered shut when instead of putting distance between them, Elio’s hand came to his cheek. Elemiah’s brow furrowed slightly, pained by the ache he felt in his chest.
He leant his face slightly into the other man’s touch and opened his eyes. “No it won’t,” He said quietly, “But that’s my fault and I have to live with it…”
Elio's brows knit together in frustration and hurt, not knowing what more he could do to help. He wanted to reassure Elemiah-- and himself it would be okay, but even Elio wasn't as confident as he tried to sound. "It will be," he tried again, more softly. "Don't be a stranger. I want to help. Okay?"
Elio was offering him a kindness and Elemiah didn’t want to continue throwing it back in his face after everything he’d already done. He swallowed and nodded. Perhaps if he repeated it enough then he would begin to believe it. “I know… thank you.” He murmured. He paused for a moment, his gaze lingering, before he lifted his face reluctantly from his touch. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”
Elio nodded and pulled his arm back, silently praying Elemiah was speaking honestly. “Okay.”
Elemiah took a step back and gave him a small smile, before turning to head towards the door. It was the best he could have asked for, Elio had treated him with far more kindness than perhaps he deserved for all the years he had left him without word. And yet, there was still something that niggled at him. That he’d let him go too soon, pulled away from every touch he’d yearned for for so long, purely because he thought he was sparing them both from something.
His hand paused at the door handle before suddenly returning to Elio. He pulled him into another embrace without a word, somehow gentle and fierce all at once. Eighty years worth of missing him in one moment.
Elio could feel the cracks slipping in his composure as Elemiah walked away, overwhelmed by the brief yet intense visit that was the former deity’s return. He had to wonder if his own needs were horribly obvious then when he saw Elemiah suddenly come back to him with an urgency and pull him into an arguably needy embrace. His arms immediately returned the embrace, one hand resting on Elemiah’s upper back as the other slide into his hairline, threading through the familiar curls and holding him close. He allowed his eyes to close for a moment, feeling insecure that maybe this was Elemiah saying goodbye again. Disappearing again. "Mi sei mancato," he mumbled against Elemiah's hairline, turning enough to press a kiss against it as well before he could pull away again. "Tantissimo."
Elemiah felt the weight he’d been holding melt away for a moment and this time he made no movement to let Elio go. Instead his fingers tightened in the fabric of the deity’s clothes and he exhaled a breath at Elio’s softly uttered words. “I’m not going anywhere,” He murmured the soft promise. Elemiah might not have been able to sense exactly what Elio was feeling anymore, but he knew the deity well enough that he hoped he wouldn’t need it. “I’m still here.”
Elio pulled back enough to meet Elemiah's gaze, palm slipping from the former deity's hairline and past the curve of his jawline until Elio held his chin between two fingers. It was tempting to lean in and close the distance between them, but Elio hesitated and reminded himself that over eight decades had done a number on both of them, and it was neither the time nor place. There was a hunger for it in his gaze, but forced himself to exercise restraint. He would be kissing a memory of who Elemiah was in many ways, and knew it would be the same for the being before him. "Any time you need me... Just call for me, and I will find you. So long as you're within city limits, I will be able to find you," he instructed softly. "You may be a tour guide, but I am a taxi driver," he added with some mirth to his voice.
Elemiah’s eyes flickered over Elio’s face, while he might have allowed his features to age, he was still every bit as familiar to him as he had been eighty years ago. The glimmer of hunger in his eyes and the touch of his fingers tipping his chin, included. But they weren’t really familiar with each other anymore. Elemiah wasn’t sure he even knew himself, aside from the man that nervously paced the floors at night and talked to himself in the dark about nonsensical rubbish.
Elio’s words softened him before that familiar, heavy weight could settle back on his shoulders. Elemiah smiled. “A taxi driver?” He responded just as Elio had to him earlier, “Well now that’s just silly, isn’t it?” He fondly teased, his smile widening for a moment. But he could picture it. “Okay, I’ll call for you.” Elemiah softly promised.
