Ik I never post on here anymore but I try to keep my main less personal and ranty now. So fuck anti medication people. I am certifiably crazy when I'm off my meds. I'm not talking white girl "cute but psycho" crazy. Like actually needs to be hospitalized crazy. I don't even like the word crazy and it's connotations but idek how else to describe it. I have smashed mirrors, thrown too much shit to count, hurt everyone close to me, gotten uncontrollably suicidal, cut deep enough to have nerve damage, pulled out my hair, gone days without showering or changing (yeah it's nasty but I'm not going to lie about it), done stupid impulsive ass shit, fucked multiple people in less than as many days, gone off and done dangerous drugs with strangers, just too much shit to list ya know? And I have hurt everyone around me. My sisters are scared of me, my mom probably needs therapy because of me, my stepdad resents me, and so much more. Not even mentioning the cost of treatment while I had no insurance. The 4th or 5th time I tried to kill myself no one was home. They had to call an ambulance. It cost over $900 (that was just for the breathing tubes). Off my medications life is terrible. I can't even describe the feelings I go through, I can't even describe how much I've hurt myself and my family. And it's been so hard finding the right medications. I've been on over a dozen in less than 2 years. They've caused fucking terrible side effects, headaches that were the worst pain I've ever experienced, hallucinations, withdraws, brain jolts (?), so much weight gain, manic episodes, extreme paranoia, ect. But I am so grateful for what I have now and glad that I kept trying. In the past 4 months since I've been on my current medications I've gone back to school for my GED, been social, been filling out job applications, I've had less panic attacks, I've been more sober than I have for the majority of my current life, I've been able to try to bond with my sisters and family, and just everything's gotten so much better. I still get sad, I still get anxious, I still get the same feelings, but they're more manageable, they're less intense, and they're more spread out. I went off them last weekend because God knows why and it made me appreciate how much better everything is for me now. So I'm going to tag the fuck out of this because I really do hope that someone in the same boat as I was in sees this and reads it and relates. And I hope that whoever they are decides to try whatever medication it is this time (or the first time). I just hope that I can help someone else out.
germansingergirl
2087
janainaart
andulkaphoto
vaporwave
