TACHYCARDIA + @erinleeeeeee-blog - Tumblr Blog

My boobs in the way.

My first echocardiogram was when I was 22. I knew it was an ultrasound on my heart. I was a little nervous and I remembered my first ekg in triage. The only privacy I had was the technician standing in front of me. I understood that, being an emergency situation. But, in the back of my mind it was still awkward. The most a boyfriend let alone anyone else has seen of me was a swim suit. And there I was…

Anyway, a month came and went and it was time for the echo. I was ready. I was called back to a dimmlyit room. Asked to remove everything above my waist and change into a gown. The person left me alone. I was too big for the gown. It was not my butt showing, it was the boobs. Oh, well. We’re both women it’s all good. The first few moments weren’t bad. Then, we got to the chest. My boobs in the way.

So, I’m laying there holding my boob. Trying to listen for when I need to hold my breath. The gown opens more because I can’t hold it. At this point I don’t care. Let em hang out. Then someone walks in. Please don’t be a man. Whew! She was there for an IV. We joked about my age. They were used to elderly. And here I am 22.

I have had more than 100 EKGs. Some in the ER. Some outpatient. I have had so many I don’t care if my boobs are out. I will have my 3rd echo tomorrow. I know that goes won’t fit. My boobs will be jn the way. I am prepared and tired of needing echos. My bra isn’t neon, so it shall be alright.

spooniestrong

A ranting note to a loved one.

Guess what!? We’re all dying and I am dying sooner. And who knows what could happen when we leave the house. Car wreck, shooting, flood. You never know. How would you feel? I imagine pretty screwed up. The person who pays for your everything is gone and the person you run to when you want some answers is gone. You’re all alone. You might not care now. Regardless, of how much I dislike you. I never wished you were dead. In fact, I get so upset. Because, it’s hard for me to hear a loved one that low.

Here’s something I didn’t necessarily want to be on the web. I’m dying faster than anyone in this house. It’s fact. You do realize That!? IF what I have is cancer and it spreads. I might have 6 year’s. I’ll be gone by 30. Sure, there are treatments. I have to be positive. But, can you imagine just wanting to live. Thinking and knowing that you might not even make it past 30. That you’ll never be able to meet your niece and nephew and their Mom, My Sister. I know you don’t like life right now. But, be thankful your living and are healthy. I have faith in you. You just need to do it. I know it’s scary, I’ve been there. But, after it’s all done. You feel like you’re somebody important. And just that can help you.

I know my problems are not like yours. But, my problems are hard on me. Have you ever once asked how I felt or what I thought? Maybe once. Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound on my heart, my third one. Which, I will have to remove my cardiac monitor. Then, I get to see the kidney Dr. I figure since most people know that when a heart isn’t working right, it’s not so good. And of course Cancer isn’t good. Remember, I am listed in stage 3 CKD But, that could advance to end stage renal failure. I will include some information. ⭕ What Is Kidney Dialysis? Kidney dialysis is a life-support treatment that uses a special machine to filter harmful wastes, salt, and excess fluid from your blood. This restores the blood to a normal, healthy balance. Dialysis replaces many of the kidney’s important functions. ⭕There are different types of kidney dialysis, including:

⭕Hemodialysis. Blood is filtered using a dialyzer and dialysis machine. Peritoneal dialysis. Blood is filtered inside the body after the abdomen is filled with a special cleaning solution.

⭕ Corlanor® is used in certain people who have persistent (chronic) heart failure caused by the lower-left part of their heart not contracting well who meet all of the following requirements:

⭕Symptoms of heart failure that are stable A normal heartbeat with a resting heart rate of at least 70 beats per minute Taking beta-blockers at the highest dose they can tolerate, or are not taking beta-blockers because there is a medical reason they cannot be used.

⭕ Beta blockers are a class of drugs that are particularly used to manage cardiac arrhythmias, and to protect the heart from a second heart attack after a first heart attack.

I read about people. Overcoming their illnesses and working in a wonderful career field. I wanted to work in the medical field or law enforcement for a long time. I wanted kids. Even, if I was able to get pregnant. I would risk killing myself or the unborn baby. And then we have the medicines I take. I can’t stop them. But, I don’t want that in the breast milk. So, I won’t and can’t have kids. I forgot to mention, so, I make it past nursing. But, I don’t live very long. The kid would be motherless. Something, I can’t imagine happening. And I’ve even told a guy who wanted kids… That if something happens to me, he should get another woman. Of course, he always says no. We’ll be alright alone. It’s little things like that. If I had kids I should be able to enjoy them. Not worrying about their future without a Mother.

I know it sounds like I have myself already buried. Maybe, I do. But, when you have this much going on… I want to be ready, and I want moved ones prepared. Life, is unpredictable. Everyone is going to die. Some go early. I don’t want your sympathy. I want compassion and to be treated somewhat nice. Again, we never know when it’s our time to leave this earth. We shouldn’t stay angry, should apologize and forgive before it’s too late.