Emerald Green @esmeraldacity-blog1 - Tumblr Blog

We were inseparable

I thought that anyway.. (via esmeraldacity)

Before I had sex, I had this imaginary idea that every time you have sex there’s passion, love, connection. I was so wrong.

I was wrong because when I started having sex, I had sex when I was sad, when I was angry, and when I was high.

I use to think you had to be fully naked and feel each other everywhere.

I was wrong.

Because when I had sex in an abandoned parking lot at 3 am, all we had was our pants down to our ankles.

I was brought up with the wrong idea of sex, and I wish I knew it.

You’re going to have sex with people you’d never imagine fucking. Well, at least I did.

I felt so insecure about my body until I lost my virginity.

and I’m so glad I lost it to the right person.

Usually when you turn 16, that means freedom, but with strict parents, that means even more suffocation. I did not look forward to getting my license. I did not look forward to being able to drive. I never looked forward to having more responsibilities to deal with.

When I turned 16, I got a job. but I told my parents I worked a lot, literally everyday I would go to work, and not even work. On my day off I would sit there, for literal hours, because I would rather be there, than at my house.

I never really looked forward to lying. I would tell my parents that I would be working a double, but in all reality, I would work half the day, then have a friend pick me up, leaving my car there. I had to lie, because my parents literally never let me do anything.

When I say my parents never let me do anything, I literally mean, anything. I was never allowed to hang out with friends, join a club, ANYTHING. it was absolutely suffocating, which is why I got a job so early.

My parents would follow me to work a few minutes or a couple hours after I left to make sure I was there. Eventually I caught onto their pattern:

Mondays I worked at 4. They would drive past around 6. Tuesdays I work at 10 am. They would drive by and park by my car at noon, stay till 12:15 and then leave. Wednesday was at 10. They never drove by, they parked at the gas station across the street. Thursday I worked at 4. They would drive minutes behind me, and watch me pull in the drive way, then return at 8:30. Friday I worked at 10. They would come and park at the ball park at 11:30, then come back at 4 right before I leave. Saturday I worked at 11. They would park at the restaurant next door, watch me take the outside trash out, like I do every saturday at 11:15, then they would leave, and come back at 6. Sunday I opened, and most of the time closed. they show up at 9 and never again the rest of the day.

I knew what they did and avoided it. it was like clockwork, and I was constantly scared that they were following me.

When friends picked me up, I was terrified that my parents were going to show up at my work and ask for me.

I told my managers to cover for me, and they always have. Eben though the incident has only happened once

I’m ready to move out, and not fear being followed.

older people always say “you’ll regret wanting to be older”

No, I will never regret wanting my freedom from psychotic untrustworthy suffocating lunatic.

I hate my family. and don’t argue with me, saying “they only care about your safety”

my family is bullshit, and I can’t wait to leave.

December 28th 2015

I just thought I should share this. You don’t have to read this, bur this is a positively and self recovery post.

Please send feedback, reblog, like it, message me, tell me your story. You’re not alone!

12/25/2015 I was drunk, laying awake in a bathroom floor. I just drank a bottle of vodka because my world seemed like everything around me was crashing down. My mom left, not for good, but I thought she left for good at the time. She moved, without telling me, and when I showed up at her new door she slammed it in my face. She hated me, I thought. I was so disrespectful towards her when I lived with her, she just needed time to move on from everything that happened with her and my dad. They got divorced, and I was okay with it.

But I was laying there, that cold floor, my family went to a Christmas dinner for something and I was alone. My best friend left. I loved him, I truly did. I don’t know and I probably will never know what I ever did to him. But he left, and I was devastated. Along with him, two other friends chose him over me. They took his side and I thought I was alone.

I hated myself. I hated myself for what I did, I hated myself for letting everyone go.

It was 3 days until new years. I thought everything I did that year was a failure. I failed History, my parents got divorced, so many bad days, self harm, drunken nights, always high. I was never sober.

I rose up from the floor and I looked in the mirror as I sliced my skin. I cut myself 23 times on my left arm, I’m not sure why I counted, because I never have before, but I guess this is why. I drank another swig of vodka and watched my bright red blood fall onto the floor. I put a paper towel down and walked out the door.

I stumbled to a railroad crossing down the road from me. Normally would be a 10 minute walk took me 45 minutes.

I had the bottle in my hand, it was 20 degrees outside and I had no coat on. The vodka warmed my veins and I threw myself onto the icy railroad track. I waiting for the train to come. I screamed, and I cried and I walked further north onto the track. I walked so far I went to the next road crossing.

I heard a train. I turned back, facing south, back where I left. and I heard the horn blow. I threw the bottle towards it, but it was far away. I stared death in the face as I saw it come closer. Suddenly breaks were squealing and I was thrown into the snow.

My arm finally stopped bleeding and a random guy was laying on top of me. I hit him.

I don’t know how hard, but he prevented me from dying and to this day I still don’t know his name.

At the time I cussed him out, but one year later I want to thank him.

I want to thank him for saving me.

because its been

one year.

One fucking year.

A year since I had a total break down.

A whole year since I relapsed.

One year since I attempted suicide.

One year since I have been drunk.

One year since I threw away my last blade.

One year from the darkest point.

Thank you for keeping me here. Thank you sir for saving me. I apologize for how I acted then, but I never knew how happy I would be from that point to now.

It gets better guys.

Please allow yourselves to be happy.

Please talk to me if you need someone. message me, I’ll even give you my number,

Please if you think about suicide, stop.

I promise you, life gets better.

One year later.

I have a job. I have my friends.I have my mom. People in my life love me.

I love myself.

love yourself and allow others to love you.

deeplifequotes

Don’t be tricked into apologizing for something you didn’t even do wrong.

Unknown (via deeplifequotes)

amargedom

“Don’t let your happiness depend on something you may lose.”

C.S. Lewis (via amargedom)

Because one day you're going to fall in love with one fucking beautiful human and they will love you back. Don't waste your love on the wrong people, love the one, not everyone.