Quotes from the Office Sentence Starters
Send one for my museâs reaction
âAm I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I donât see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.â
âI have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one monthâs notice before they leave.â
âThatâs what she said.â
âJust try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.â
âSometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.â
âI never thought Iâd say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.â
âI feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. Itâs every parentâs dream.â
âWhat is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I went â I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.â
âIâm a deer hunter. I go all the time with my dad. One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I am better at hiding than they are⊠at vision.â
âWhy tip someone for a job Iâm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because⊠I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.â
âYeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And thatâs how I spent my entire day that day.â
âAre you Mother Goose?â
âThe Japanese camp guards of World War II always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.â
âI love fake boobs. Often times, you find them on strippers.â
âLast year, I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day, with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch.â
âAll right! I need a volunteer to come up here and hold my stick. Whoâs it gonna be?â
âI wake up every morning in a bed thatâs too small, drive my daughter to a school thatâs too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little, but on Pretzel Day? Well, I like pretzel day.â
âI get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January.â
âI donât have a lot of experience with vampires. But I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighborâs dog.â
âWeâre like one of those classic famous teams. Heâs like Mozart, and Iâm like Mozartâs friend. No. Iâm like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; youâre going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.â
âIâm petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. So⊠I take precautions.â
âThose are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.â
âYouâve got to be kidding me.â
âOkay everybody, slight change of plans, we are still going to be having two parties but each is going to get a little extra dose of naught-ay.â
âWhy are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.â
âHow would I describe myself? Three words. Hard-working. Alpha male. Jackhammer. Merciless. Insatiable. â
âSo, letâs say my teeth turn to liquid and then, they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?â
âI wish there was a way to know youâre in the good old days before youâve actually left them.â
âIt happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.â
âActually, I didnât think it was appropriate to invite children since itâs, uh, you know. Thereâs gambling and alcohol⊠And itâs in our dangerous warehouse. And itâs a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?â
âThat actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just⊠took âem all out.â
âIt has to be official, and it has to be urine.â
âPoop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!â
âHug it out, bitch. That is what men say to each other, after a fight. They hug it out, and doing so, the just⊠let it go. And walk away. And theyâre done. Not a good idea to say that to a woman however. I have found. It doesnât translate.â
âWhat is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?â
âIf Iâm dead, you guys have been dead for weeks.â
âOK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.â
âI wonder what people like about me? ⊠Probably my jugs.â