Tis I, the eternally grumpy dragon

Hobbies include wondering if I am actually who I am because that is Who I Am or if everything I identify myself with is a Social Construct Forced Upon Me From A Young Age. Currently living somewhere in the Australian Hellspace :)

[myjetpack]

My cartoon for this weekend’s Guardian books.

p.s. my latest book cartoons collection is Revenge of the Librarians: tomgauld.com/comic-books-v2

[neil-gaiman]

I feel seen. And mocked. And understood.

[bundibird]

"It wasnt the real mona lisa bc the real mona lisa was painted on wood and thats clearly canvass" versus "It was the real Mona Lisa, just suspend your disbelief for a second" --- fam. Both options are good. Both options are great.

Either it was the real mona lisa, in which case, Miles Bron is a murdering idea-stealing phony who will be forever known as the guy who destroyed THEE mona lisa, and there is absolutely no coming back from that ----

OR, it was a fake, bc the museum was like "lmfao this joker thinks we'd loan him the ACTUAL mona lisa? Ahahahahaha" in which case, there's all the initial press coverage of the explosion and the shitty fuel and the murders and then the revelation that THEE MONA LISA was destroyed on Miles Bron's watch, and all of that plays out across the media, and THEN!!! the Lourve gets to step forward saying "dont worrry guys. We never gave him the real painting. We didn't trust him with it. We gave him a fake and he never noticed," which the media would have a FIELD DAY with, because it's like the resurrection of Jesus only with a painting, instead of a person, and also, the whole thing is funny as FUCK, bc they gave him a fake and he didnt notice, and also-also, clearly the Lourve was ahead of the curve when it came to recognising Miles' stupidity, and it'll stay in the media for WEEKS, that Miles was conned by the lourve and clearly they were right to trick him because LOOK WHAT HAPPENED to the fake Mona lisa, PLUS of course all the rest of the stuff like the 2 murders and the hydrogen fuel and the idea theft and etc.

Like?? There's no losing here. Both options are great. If it was real, then he'll never live it down, and if it was fake, he'll never live it down. Either way: fantastic

[marauders4evr]

Glass Onion, for me, was the opposite of the "they had us in the first half not gonna lie" meme. God, did they have me in the second half. For the first hour, I was like, "Eh, this is good. The characters are creative but something feels off." Then that middle twist dropped and even more twists dropped and every scene got even better than the one before until the explosion happened and I audibly cheered.

[kind-of-heart-dumb-of-ass]

Daniel Craig really went from

to

And we are all here for it

[darkshrimpemotions]

Daniel Craig going from walking glorification of womanizing and state sanctioned violence to funny little guy in an outfit helping ladies out with problems while married to Hugh Grant is literally the glow up of all time.

[humanthatexistsrn]

never going to be over these moments of pure discomfort benoit feels for multiple reasons.

1. its not in the script, (both birdie flirting AND benoit not being okay) so kate and daniel but had to be like “should we make it really obvious” and they’re the greatest and i love them for it.

2. THIS ONE specifically is just… benoit clutching the magazine to his chest… grasping his arms… trying so hard to physically say “please stop i am NOT okay with this”. 10/10 acting daniel craig i love you

3. someone on here said how birdie stops flirting with benoit when he says how he loves sweetie pants but as much as i would love that to be true, she flirts with him again at dinner, (by asking miles if they can work together and benoit FEELS her stare). i’ll never be over my personal headcanon that post-go she googles him and on wikipedia it says “spouse: phillip blanc” and she’s like OHHHHH

[missamerican-pie]

[frankencain]

lmao

[departmentq]

[laughableillusions]

This is my theory on where the play actually comes from

[thyrell]

the way andrew tate would literally be fine rn if elon musk didnt unban him

[susiephone]

[prokopetz]

I think the message of Howl’s Moving Castle is that in order to maintain a successful relationship with some kind of fucked up wizard, you must find it in yourself to also be some kind of fucked up wizard.

[oswald-privileges]

[prokopetz]

See, I don’t think that’s the case. Certainly, Sophie’s magic is often more practical than Howl’s, but if you think that the practicality of one’s magic is a reasonable measure of how good a fucked up wizard is at being a fucked up wizard, you don’t understand fucked up wizards.

[mstopportunity]

By some metrics, Sophie is a more fucked up wizard - Howl would never mess something up by accident! But here’s the thing, they complement each-other. Sophie is practically-oriented, but she’s not always competent to do what she intends, nor does she know what she’s doing. Howl always knows what he’s doing and why, and it’s usually useless bullshit for terrible reasons. Howl knows what he is intimately. He knows his strengths and his weaknesses and he knows that he’s got a spine like wet, single ply tissue paper. Sophie complements this by doing whatever it is she sets her mind to, but having exactly zero capacity for self-reflection (or if she does it’s through a funhouse mirror)

Your honor, they’re both a better fucked up wizard than the other, just how they’re supposed to be. 

[prokopetz]

[valtsv]

the phrase "moon's haunted" rewired my brain the moment it entered my vocabulary never in my life have i encountered a phrase more infectious or fun to use

[valtsv]

coworker: [after turning on the lights in the warehouse and noticing half of them are flickering or won't turn on at all] hey james what's up with the lights

me: oh idk i guess the light's haunted

coworker: what?

me, shrugging: light's haunted

[later that day]

another coworker: hey, what's up with the lights?

coworker i was with earlier: light's haunted

other coworker: what???

coworker, without changing expression or missing a beat: light's haunted

[valtsv]

thanks to advancements in modern science and education i know how a lot of things work and can explain if asked, but sometimes it's just more fun to apply the exact same logic to the situation as a 14th century alchemist

[3liza]

the counterpoint to the millennial experience of thinking adult life would involve a lot more quicksand is that it turns out evil doomsday cults really are behind a lot of stuff irl. kind of a neat consolation prize

[former-portland-mando]

@portraitoftheoddity my dear friend... What?

Please explain and tell us your tale. You've apparently lived what so many of us feared to dream.

[portraitoftheoddity]

So, seven years or so ago, when I had been broken up with my fiancé for like, 4 years and was in the middle of my slut phase, my parents decided that the money they had set aside for 'wedding budget' was better used on a family vacation to Iceland, which was honestly 100% the right decision.

While we were there, we ended up hiking on a glacier with a guide, which was pretty fucking cool.

Now a thing about Iceland is it's volcanic af, so the glaciers all kinda look like cookies & cream, with a whole lot of very dark, very fine volcanic ash mixed in and striated with the ice. Ice which is also full of deep moulins and crevasses and other holes, and which forms a lot of runoff water when you're there in the middle of summer.

Turns out, ash is a very fine granular material!

Our guide, Víðarr, was very particular about us only stepping where he stepped, since he was very good at determining what was safe, solid ice, and what wasn't. The day was going pretty well with a gorgeous hike across this glacier, until I took a step about 8 inches to the left of where Víðarr stepped.

Quicksand is: "a colloid consisting of fine granular material (such as sand, silt or clay) and water."

Ash is a very fine granular material!

What looked like ground was in fact quicksand, which I learned very quickly as I was schloped into freezing glacial quicksand up to my thigh and made a very undignified sound.

Víðarr, being a professional, immediately leapt into action, holding out his ice axe for me to grab on to so he could yank me out to safety (with a lot more schlorping noises).

My parents, being jerks (affectionate), told him "no no no, put her back in, we need a picture!!!" because they were laughing their asses off at my predicament.

I, being surprised, wet, cold, and very startled that quicksand was an actual problem in my life, mostly continued to make undignified and distressed sounds.

So anyway, that's how my non-wedding lead to me falling in quicksand on top of a glacier downwind of a volcano, and summarily hiking several miles in one frozen and ash-black pantleg and boot across the Icelandic countryside to the immense entertainment of my family. And if a dude named Víðarr tells you to only step where he steps, ONLY STEP WHERE HE STEPS.

[guooey]

I still haven’t recovered from this

[flowerb-0y]

[the-bored-coffee]

ALAKWNSJAKWNALAKSKSKSMN RIGHT UNDER THIS I GOT AN AD FOR A ANIMAL HOSPITAL OSOWJWJSJDJDNDJDJDJ

[guooey]

[konzaprairieunofficial]

Spouse graduates (he is finished but there’s not like an actual ceremony because he did it online) from grad school this weekend, what kind of cake should I make for him?

[konzaprairieunofficial]

Okay so since I am Under the Weather and don’t wanna go get ingredients I’m gonna use what I have here and in a brief moment of clarity from rampaging sinuses I came up with such a cursed idea for a cake

[konzaprairieunofficial]

Spouse is the biggest Flyers fan since he was a wee lad growing up in Philly

[konzaprairieunofficial]

Finished Gritty cake construction today, decor tomorrow. He is an Abomination. Made a bunch of cookies today and some cupcakes with the leftover batter. Here’s the idea I did on my phone’s paint app with the construction done:

[konzaprairieunofficial]

Always watching

[konzaprairieunofficial]

Behold him

[konzaprairieunofficial]

He is full of knowledge