all quotes taken from cbs’s scorpion ( various seasons ) ! feel free to change pronouns, etc as you see fit!
“I’m full of iron and proteins. Num num!”
“Remove your palm from the federal agent.”
“It’s kinda messed up to force a snake to bite your friend!”
“Heaven’s full of nerds!”
“I had to die for an hour just to get some peace and quiet from you guys.”
“You want your stomach to hurt, I can make it hurt for you.”
“Whatever, you look like the man from Curious George.”
“I trained at Harvard, not Cirque du Soleil.”
“It’s a uterus. Not a meterus.”
“You just referred to our child as ‘it’!”
“Hopefully the world’s about to explode so we can end this conversation.”
“__________ never got benched by the president, it sucks.”
“My foot and your ass are going on a date real soon.”
“You’re still a virgin, we know.”
“We’re saving a dog. Enjoy the eclair.”
“In short, your coping mechanisms suck.”
“It’s like the CIA… but with crumpets.”
“What’s uncalled for is wearing a fedora 365 days a year.”
“Sweet ring around the rosy.”
“He delivers only nightmares.”
“I have no idea what that means, but I’m sure I’ll find out shortly.”
“Even your sperm is immature?”
“Do as I say and not as I sometimes did.”
“Who’s more vulnerable than me? I get nosebleeds on escalators!”
“You literally called us on this three minutes ago.”
“Surge protectors! Who steals surge protectors?!”
“Crazy man says what now?”
“Do not hold him with your posterior in my face!”
“I need quiet, so both you damsels, shut it.”
“Who built this place, a Bond villain?”
“Who’s Indiana Jones, a state senator?”
“How can I trust a guy who just made a nuts and seeds pun?”
“Here’s your hall pass, don’t let the principal catch you.”
“Actually, I’m half antagonistic on my mother’s side.”
“I don’t want my last act on Earth to be singing a cappella with you.”
“Mom always says I’m an indoor cat.”
“Alright, ______________, let’s be outdoor cats.”
“When you remember me, remember me fondly.”
“You’re not ambulance chasers, you’re geniuses!”
“I take back my apology as it pertains to you.”
“Suicidal genius say what now?”
“Shouldn’t slap another man’s sauce.”
“Thanks Mom, if millions of people die, it’ll be your fault!”
“On behalf of the United States government, I’m commandeering your churro cart.”
“Everyone’s at least ten years younger than you.”
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