@etoilause - Tumblr Blog

I don't tag my posts, I might do that in the future but in the meantime please do not follow me if the following subjects trigger you:

– childhood trauma

– child sexual abuse

– abuse craving

#vent #my post #pinned #tagging

cherryflavoredbutch

oh fuck *falls back into old habits* *screen fades to black* *level loading* TIP: your belief that you are incapable of changing for the better will become a self fulfilling prophecy if left unchallenged

braaainwaaash

softytothecore

ive come to a point in terms of remembering what happened where it might as well have been a bad dream istfg just let go it didnt happen

cocsa fucking sucks there is no validity in what happened idc that it still affects me it really shouldnt i should just man up and stop being a weirdo little bitch about it!!!! i dont even remember it like it was me it doesnt count it's not a proper memory this is as real as reading it from a book why do i care!!!!!!!!

etoilause

throwback to primary school when i mocked kids whose parents didn't hit them when they misbehaved because i thought it didn't make sense and it was stupid. like "ohhh they talk to you or send you to your room that's so stupid you'll never learn". only to threaten to kill myself in front of my friends when i got a notice from school that i was misbehaving because i was scared of coming home to get hit yet again.

etoilause

throwback to being sexually abused in primary school and not telling them for years because maybe they'll hit me (later on it's because i didn't wanna hurt my mom or thought i would get used to it but whatever)??? oooh wouldn't i have had a better insensitive if they were the "talk to you or send you to your room" kind.

throwback to primary school when i mocked kids whose parents didn't hit them when they misbehaved because i thought it didn't make sense and it was stupid. like "ohhh they talk to you or send you to your room that's so stupid you'll never learn". only to threaten to kill myself in front of my friends when i got a notice from school that i was misbehaving because i was scared of coming home to get hit yet again.

etoilause

just woke up from a nightmare of my dad screaming at my 10yo little brother and threatening to beat him and i thought it was real but my dad is at work lol

etoilause

i don't remember my childhood that clearly but looking back at it i think my parents used to hit me a lot to get me to behave. and now they don't hit my brother a lot but my dad especially gets more violent with his screaming.

like,, if i was too talkative at school my parents would hit me with a wooden kitchen spoon :)))) and i was pretty talkative in primary/middle school and misbehaved and accidentally got holes in my jeans from falling so they hit me.

and for my brother it's more like screaming at any little thing and a lot of threatening from my dad. i think they rarely hit him and i only remember one time where they used the wooden spoon but it's so depressing.

and i'm so sorry but i'm just not the person who will stop it. i just cannot reason with them and the issue is they're honestly bad with education so he constantly misbehaves and "proves them right" basically. and they only do it when he misbehaves so it's obviously okay :)))) they're not like bad parents who take pleasure in doing it. if only he behaved this wouldn't happen!!! (/s)

i just want to leave i'm so sorry i just want to turn a blind eye and fucking leave. i'll be gone for school again for another 5-6 months i can't wait. and it sucks that i cannot help but i can't just teach them how to raise a child i'm not a parent or a trained educator. i just have the common sense to know you should not beat children nor threaten to beat them.

#i feel bad bc i keep comparing my childhood to his #he gets to leave the house earlier and come out way later than i did #he got a phone earlier he got a few electronic devices that he broke #he gets to eat junk food basically every other day whereas it wasn't has often for me #he can just ask money to buy food or whatever but at the tim me just asking for 2€ was so much for me #even when i was older like 15-16 i would feel bad to ask for 5€ to eat out with friends and that was a rare occurence #but he just asks for 5 euros here #10 euros there #and my dad is too lazy to cook but my mom is at work #so for lunch he would just mix whatever is in the house and force me to eat it #or my mom had to make food the day prior #but now when he is too lazy he just gives my little brother 5€ to buy food #i would never evn BEGIN to dream about getting this much money almost every day #i remember asking for an allowance and i thought 5 or 10 euros was a huge sum to get each month #so to an extent i get jealous but i know it's wrong #like obviously they still suck as parents theyre really failing him #constantly complaining that he is fat but he mostly eats fries an snacks and he is 10 so obviously he eats what he finds or what you make #its weird #i hate them as parents #my mom i dont hate entirely i think she does a lot and my dad doesnt treat her right #so i dont reaaally hate her yk #but my dad idk when i think of him as a parent or dad i fucking hate him #but also it's like i constantly fo back and forth between hating and just feeling normal #i laugh with them and then i hate them and then i laugh and i hate and i laugh and i hate

just woke up from a nightmare of my dad screaming at my 10yo little brother and threatening to beat him and i thought it was real but my dad is at work lol

#the thing is it was totally plausible #and i cannot do anything about this #and it's all normal bc that's just what they do hahaha it's okay #they did it to me i turned out fine #and btw god i remember way less of my childhood than i thought

organizing my folders and emails and stuff and i thought "wow it would be so much easier if i just went back in time and did it right the first time around" and then i started thinking maybe around 15yo? but not early enough so around 12yo? but it sucked a lot? younger? and now i feel like i just ruined my life somehow and i wish i could reset it or like idk treat everything like it's the sims but i can't and i feel bad and everything is 10 years too late and now i wonder why i'm even trying to get my life together i'm a mess either way and it doesn't matter and i will never fix anything. not my emails, not my folders, not my sleeping schedule or my diet, not the mess in my room. nothing.