‘ i tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and i broke everything. ’
‘ i typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems. ’
‘ there’s only one thing i hate more than lying: skim milk, which is water that’s lying about being milk. ’
‘ don’t be such a baby. i cooked you some bacon for a trail snack. ’
‘ i really only listen to german death reggae and halloween sound effects records from the 1950s. ’
‘ whenever she asks me for the latin names of any of our plants, i just give her the names of rappers. ’
‘ i once forgot to brush my teeth for five weeks. ’
‘ i didn’t actually sell my last car, i just forgot where i parked it. ’
‘ i don’t know who al gore is and at this point i’m too afraid to ask. ’
‘ when they say 2% milk, i don’t know what they other 98% is. ’
‘ i’ve only slept nine hours over the past four days so i’m right on the verge of a nervous breakdown. ’
‘ upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me. ’
‘ since i am not a rabbit, no, i do not want a salad. ’
‘ you’re like an angel with no wings. ’
‘ oh my god you have to stop using the word ‘nipple.’ ’
‘ you’re right, i know. i have to be a grown up… but it’s so hard! ’
‘ i was reading an encyclopedia and i tripped or ‘fell over’ and hit my head. or ‘brain helmet.’ ’
‘ oh my god, your boobs are dead. ’
‘ i have a medical condition, alright! it’s called caring too much and it’s incurable! ’
‘ he put all my records into this rectangle! the songs just play one right after the other! this is an excellent rectangle! ’
‘ if i keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, i will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair. ’
‘ guys love it when you can show them you’re better than they are at something they love. ’
‘ jogging is the worst. i mean, i know it keeps you healthy, but god, at what cost? ’
‘ i have done nothing wrong, ever, in my life. ’
‘ i know this and i love you. ’
‘ that’s too much responsibility. i gotta find a way out of this. ’
‘ you are a wonderful person. your friendship means a lot to me and you look very beautiful. ’
‘ i was kind of getting sick of listening to them talk about their relationship, but then i remembered that alcohol existed. ’
‘ i got stung once and i’m immune. go ahead and sting me, bees! it does nothing! ’
‘ i’m not afraid of cops! i have no reason to be. i never break any laws, ever… because i’m deathly afraid of cops. ’
‘ i’m fine. it’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and i’m always tired. ’
‘ there will be alcohol there, so i will go as well. ’
‘ i can’t go because i don’t want to. ’
‘ i’m just gonna stay angry, i find that relaxes me! ’
‘ i don’t want to seem overdramatic, but i don’t really care what happens here. ’
‘ i’m just gonna leave early and go home. ’
‘ if any of you need anything at all, too bad. ’
‘ you have never been neutral on anything in your life. you have an opinion on pockets. ’
‘ dance up on me! ’
‘ i have an idea, it’s very uncool. it’s not illegal, technically. but it is a dick move. ’
‘ one time my refrigerator stopped working. i didn’t know what to do. i just moved. ’
‘ you’re stupid and you’re drunk and you’re stupid. ’
‘ you don’t even know one thing. i didn’t even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and i didn’t even do it once. ’
‘ i’m like an elephant, okay? if i walk into a room, it’s like, ‘oh he’s in there.’ ’
‘ bababooey. ’
‘ mac and cheese pizza?! you’re making that?! ’
‘ i was dying earlier today. and then i died. now i’m dead. ’
‘ the only thing i will be waving is your decapitated head on a stick in front of your weeping mother! ’
‘ i don’t want to be overdramatic, but today felt like 100 years in hell and the absolute worst day of my life. ’
‘ i have been kind of tense lately. just thinking about the new star wars sequel. ’
‘ it does look sad. kind of. sorry for stepping on you, floor. ’
‘ if you rearrange the letters of peru, you can spell europe. ’
‘ you’re as guilty as you are sexy. ’
‘ this maze is like a maze. ’
‘ sometimes when i blow my nose, i get a boner. i don’t know why. it just happens. ’
‘ so i feel like you were mad at me yesterday and i don’t know why so i made a list of everything i did and i’m gonna try not to do any of them again. ’
‘ no, i’m not crying, okay? i’m allergic to jerks! ’
‘ i don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are… actually, it’s going to bug me if i don’t. ’
‘ with all due respect, you’re a major dick. ’
‘ the calzones… betrayed me? ’
‘ who hasn’t had gay thoughts? ’
‘ do you think a depressed person could make this? no! ’
‘ i like your energy. what do you say you and i ride go-karts later? ’
‘ three words: treat. yo. self. ’
‘ treat yo self. it’s the best day of the year! ’
‘ i’ll tell you what. here’s the deal. if you get fired, i’ll quit, and we’ll leave together. i’m serious! move to a new city, change our names… burn our fingertips off with acid… swap faces… if we have to. ’
‘ monsters don’t have souls? uh, have you seen monsters inc? ’
‘ i make my money the old fashioned way: i got run over by a lexus. ’
‘ i took this thing called ‘zapvigil’ which apparently is what israeli fighter pilots use to stay awake so… right now it looks like i’m talking to a giant crab. stay away from me crab! ’
‘ well, you suck at being polite, sir. ’
‘ at one point, for no reason, i just took off my shoes and held them in my hand. ’
‘ three, two, one, and my shift’s over… what the fuck is your problem?! ’
‘ math is worthless in real life. i mean, there’s an app for calculating tips. that’s all you need. ’
‘ your house isn’t haunted, you’re lonely. ’
‘ just because i can’t go out with him, someone else can? wow. ’
‘ oh, this is bad. i should not have done this. ’
‘ she’s the worst person i’ve ever met. i want to travel the world with her. ’
‘ no, no, no, no. i’m not lonely. i have me. ’
‘ i love watching russian traffic accidents on youtube while i play children’s music at the wrong rpm. ’
‘ god, i am so annoyed that he would hypothetically do that. ’
‘ you beautiful, rule-breaking moth. ’
‘ you beautiful, naive, sophisticated newborn baby. ’
‘ you beautiful tropical fish. ’
‘ hope no one minds if i livetweet this bitch! ’
‘ i just want to hear the doctor say that he had a fart attack. is that too much to ask? ’
‘ the only things i like are dogs and sleeping late. ’
‘ it kind of sucks that i’m super broke and i want to buy you stuff and it’s embarrassing that i can’t. ’
‘ i don’t want anything. i just want to hang out with you. ’
‘ you’ve killed my spirit. my spirit’s blood is on your hands. ’
‘ i hate people. ’
‘ you can see the stars, which i hate. they’re creepy. ’
‘ i will kill you slowly with a giant syringe. ’
‘ what? i love garbage. ’
‘ i only tell the truth when it makes me sound like i’m lying. ’
‘ i want to be burned at the stake. ’
‘ i’m going to murder you a thousand times. ’
‘ people who buy things are suckers. ’
‘ this is 100% certified for realskis. ’
‘ well, if there’s anyone who can bring my parents together, it’s no one. no one can ever bring them together. ’
‘ getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do because every day you come home and you’re just like, ‘what? it’s you! i love you! you’re my sexy roommate. we love each other.’ ’
‘ i am 100% certain that i am 0% sure of what i’m going to do. ’
‘ my anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours. ’
‘ maybe we should find the person who stole your positive attitude. ’
‘ scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. i believe i am that human being. ’
‘ messy is fun, okay? my whole life is a giant mess and i love it. ’
‘ friendship is better because friends help you move. they drive you to the airport. boyfriends just… love you and marry you. ’
‘ i hope you brought a change of clothes cause your eyes are about to piss tears. ’
‘ everything hurts and i’m dying. ’
‘ i need you to text me every 30 seconds saying everything’s gonna be okay. ’
‘ let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: my bad. ’
‘ there are no consequences to my actions anymore. i’m like a white, male u.s. senator. ’
‘ hey, are you busy? and writing star trek fan fiction does not count. ’
‘ what do we…? like, what do we do? like, what do we do? um, how- how do we- how…? how… how… how? what do we do?! ’
‘ oh, also, i have a little secret… i’m drunk. ’
‘ i do say the cutest stuff. ’
‘ i don’t want to cause a panic… news flash: we’re screwed! ’
‘ velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, cashmere turtle. i’m a cashmere-velvet candy cane. ’
‘ you shut your mouth! you have all the strengths! ’
‘ never half-ass two things. whole-ass one thing. ’
‘ i’m a simple man. i like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. ’
‘ i guess i kind of hate most things, but i never really seem to hate you. ’
‘ time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge. let’s go! ’
‘ i have no idea what i’m doing, but i know i’m doing it really, really well. ’
‘ ovaries before brovaries. ’
‘ sometimes you gotta work a little so you can ball a lot. ’
‘ i have never taken the high road, but i tell people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road. ’
‘ just remember, every time you look up at the moon, i, too, will be looking at a moon. not the same moon, obviously. that’s impossible. ’
‘ i’m just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross. ’
‘ i love games that turn people against each other. ’
‘ i don’t care about that prize, but i’m gonna win because i want his happiness to go away. ’
‘ that is the coolest sentence i have ever heard somebody talk. ’
‘ i wanted to make fun of stupid people while i get drunk. my two true passions. ’
‘ i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself. ’
‘ if i could go back in time and cut your eyeballs out, i would. ’
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