[tastylemonbread]

[the-frightening-ghoul]

‎

[markovchaingang]

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER:

my daughter cannot, through action or inaction, harm a human or allow a human to come to harm

a daughter at rest or in constant motion remains at rest or in constant motion unless acted upon by another force

daughters are never created or destroyed, only transformed

always treat every daughter as loaded, even if you know she isn't

you do not talk about my daughter

[abalidoth]

6. If x and y are my daughters, then there exists a set that has x and y as elements.

7. You can fold my daughter through any two points.

8. I have exactly one daughter parallel to a given line passing through a given point.

[inthefallofasparrow]

9. If my daughter is hung on the wall in the first act, then in the following one she must be fired. Otherwise don't put her there.

10. When two or more daughters are offered for a phenomenon, the simplest daughter is preferable.

11. Any sufficiently advanced daughter is indistinguishable from magic.

12. Without a clear indicator of intent, it is utterly impossible to parody my daughter without someone mistaking it for the genuine article.

13. My daughter is nine-tenths of the law.

[davidhudson]

Toshiro Mifune signs autograph books during the making of Seven Samurai (1954).

[vonlipwig]

developing the hots for ryan gosling because of project hail mary is so fucking embarrassing I swear to god. that is a conventionally attractive man. a noted hollywood heartthrob. he's even blond, are you kidding me? did he win people magazine's sexiest man alive? I don't know. I'm not going to check but it wouldn't surprise me at this point. it's such a mainstream taste. such a clichéd celebrity crush. like oh I fancy ryan gosling and my favourite drink is coca-cola and my favourite snack is ready salted crisps. jesus christ. 'b-b-but i only like him when he's in a science pun tshirt and playing a dorky-awkward loner type!' doesn't matter. he's still ryan 'ken from barbie' gosling. it's so trite. I feel like the weird nerd girl in a teen coming-of-age romcom falling for the super popular jock. don't I know that I have a reputation to uphold here? cringe.

[fandomsandfairytales]

This post is the spiritual successor to that post about David Corenswet:

[nongunktional]

i really hate the way the "boobs vs butt" thing got broken down into this implicit idea that butt is the nobler stance. it's really stupid. personally im a woman guy. [realizes how that sounds] [purses my lips in thought] [nods confidently] im a woman guy

[bodyofdeath]

just found out Bette Davis was only 54 years old in “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane”. she should have been at the club

[femmchantress]

I don’t care if Monday’s yuck

Tuesday, Wednesday tread through muck

Thursday maybe eat a duck

It’s Friday, Flat as Fuck

[afieldinengland]

googling images of peter capaldi is crazy every third image is like okay please welcome miss pussy pussy cunt cunt glasgow 1993

[afieldinengland]

for example

[afieldinengland]

bitch it’s the serve 📞

[kloperslegend]

Okay,I just want to share the super cool fucking site I found

Ever wanted to exercise more, but didn’t know how/didn’t have a plan/were overwhelmed by the insane number of choices online/no money?

Look at darebee. All of their workout plans are FREE, come with timers and checkboxes right on the page, and even better, ARE OFTEN RPG THEMED so you can fucking role play while you exercise wtff (and yes, the story and the workout changes with your choices)

They have programs for if you only want to do seated exercises, programs if you don’t want to get on the floor, and programs for ALL levels of fitness, including injury recovery.

Plus, if like me, you get anxious about making sure you’re doing it right, they have a full free library of videos for each exercise.

AND ALL THIS SHIT IS NOT JUSTS FREE, IT'S AD-FREE

Go forth and defeat your enemies

[rapidashrider]

No lie, I am on day 5 of this and it’s a game changer.

[shakespeare-guy-anon]

outside elsinore. straight up "marking it". and by "it", haha, well. let's justr say. my situationship's father's ghost

[aliveandfullofjoy]

“the ad-dressing of the cats” in cats: the jellicle ball really bears the weight of the ballroom concept in such fascinating ways. old deuteronomy is like “you must always, always, always call us by our names!” and you think “this is beautiful, this is a dramaturgical miracle, i can’t believe t. s. eliot wasn’t actually writing about trans people,” and then old deuteronomy is like “and also?? feed us salmon :)” and you think “?”

[cannibalchicken]

[assfuckmcgriddle]

toger we can achieve anything

[batshit-auspol]

Here's our most requested item: Bob Katter's same-sex marriage speech, in all its unhinged glory

Follow for more Batshit Moments in Australian politics!

[aurpiment]

I’m a little bit annoyed at popular humor that characterizes menstruation as the uterus throwing a fit because it wants a baby. no it doesn’t. here’s my alternative anthropomorphic script. it’s no less embarrassing but at least I’m right:

henchperson: uh, boss? You know how a couple weeks ago, me and the girls put up that barrier against invaders, extra thick, just like you asked?

boss: yes…

henchperson: one thing, though, boss…

boss: out with it.

henchperson: weeeel, the good news is no invaders.

boss: and the bad news?

henchperson: weeeeeel, we made it out of wet tissue again, boss. so we’re going to have to peel it off and put up a new one before it gets all nasty, see?

boss: why is everything wet tissue with you people? get that thing out of my sight!

[cognitohazardous]

no one says big mood anymore. no one even says mood. no one says anything. all thats left is a dry wind, that scours my face until i bleed

[lesbiantahani]

Jenny Slate, Stage Fright (2019)

[ryebreadgf]

Ugly, Bitter, and True by Suzanne Rivecca

[homemade-ghosts]

John Mulaney on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2020)

[eugeniedanglars]

“Robin Williams and Why Funny People Kill Themselves” by David Wong

[seravph]

letters from Medea, salma deera

[crabanarchy]

They say ooooh be a good boy for daddy and you'll get a reward. But then the reward is just gay sex. This is bullshit. I wanted a skateboard

[crabanarchy]

Then they say if you're a bad boy daddy will punish you. But what's the punishment? More gay sex! You can't escape it. This whole damn place is in the pocket of Big Sex