wander lost

ghoste ✦ they/he, adult _ artist, writer, and inscrutable apparition haunting your computer. design is my passion.

[twinkhole-destroyer]

they will kill you for having fun on the internet

[dumnslut]

[valtsv]

i appreciate your hesitancy on sharing 'bad' fanfiction . obviously i would like the things im reading to be good but i fear a lot of even popular blogs on here have gotten too comfortable publicly bashing things that are just like, something mildly annoying someone wrote to get off . i would HOPE what i write is good but this kind of attitude has put me off of sharing things publicly

i was already bullied and ostracised in high school when i made the mistake of sharing my teenage fanfiction and writing in general with someone who was nice to me and showed interest. they thanked me for trusting them enough to let myself be vulnerable and sharing my art, however clumsy and unflattering, with them by spreading it around the rest of the school, leading to me being publicly humiliated and shamed more intensely and unable to bring myself to create anything for years, and feeling bitterly jealous of anyone who dared to try.

i still struggle to show people my work unless i feel that it's unimpeachably good enough to "make up" for the fact that i made it, and grapple with feelings of impotence and guilty self-loathing when interacting with the other people's creations, no matter how much i love them and/or the people who made them, more than a decade after the event. i watch people day after day publicly shame each other for the thoughtless, temporary relief of being able to say "i'm glad that that's not happening to me". i learned the hard way just how devastating it is to have something you created carelessly tossed around for anyone to use as a cudgel to bludgeon you with shame, even if you shared it publicly in the first place with the understanding that it would be seen and judged by other people. it's not something i intend to put anyone else through for the utterly harmless act of making something that fails to impress me personally. it's cruel and pointless, and i know better. and if i really passionately need to complain and vent some frustration using some trivial source or irritation as a conduit, as we all do sometimes, i have private community spaces like group chats and hangouts with friends where i can express my feelings and we can all have a good laugh about it without anyone needing to get hurt.

so yeah, i don't share "bad art" just to make fun of it. even if it would be hilarious and easy to do.

[circusheart]

I do think the post that's like "when they torture you to insanity and then torture you for being insane 😂🤣" is one of the most succinct and foundational analyses of interpersonal violence and conflict that had ever been written

[sasha-on-the-side]

Been talking about this with friends so I present to you, the cursed spectrum of media literacy

[viralfrog]

[dragongirlbunny]

[bannertanks]

[ghosthierophant]

[thestuffedalligator]

A regular part of my job is trying to reach out to people who have been quietly trying to make their community a better place; the volunteers, the teachers, the fucking. People who rehabilitate injured wild owls in a Quonset hut in the woods, and to a one this is the kind of person who immediately reviles at recognition. The kind of person who immediately says that they never got into this to get praise for it, and that they’d infinitely prefer to quietly plug away at this anonymously forever.

And from this I’ve always drawn two conclusions:

To always distrust Mr. Beast and his ilk who always want their acts of charity done on film, because the people who really want to do good and have no motives to do it besides the doing it never want recognition for it, and

That there are, in the dark, in the quiet, always people who are doing good, and the reason you don’t hear about it is because they’d rather die than receive recognition for it, but they’re real; they do exist. And you are never alone

[dreamstars]

[anarqueeen]

yeah the doctor said they found the source of my guilt and quiet agony deep within my core. Yeah turns out there really is something physically and fundamentally wrong with me that I've been carrying my entire life. No they said they're not gonna remove it. Said its an "elective surgery" so insurance won't cover it. Anyway how are you

[everloste]

boyfriend mentioned i should try to explain to people more often that ive been tortured, because i forget it was that serious a lot of the time.

like i say my dad was abusive a lot but i dont really explain that he literally tortured his kids. he gleefully explained the things he learned in the military as he did them to us. he taught us about stress positions and learned helplessness. he openly explained he wanted to break us. he wasnt at all opaque abt it. he said he wanted to raise me like veal. he went to prison when i was 14 and is recognised by the state as a sexually violent predator.

he told me i had FASD by printing out the wikipedia article and making me read it before telling me THATS why he didn't want me. he made me take out every page of my journal, describe it to him, and then put it through a shredder. he said, soon before ending up in prison, that if he were to go to jail for what he wanted to do to me, it'd be worth it. i was 13.

these are just a few examples. more than i usually care to share unless its important.

i never talk about this because i can't stand the idea of my reality being questioned and denied again. i just summarise my father as "almost comedically evil" and if anyone asks what i mean, I'll give them like... AN example. they can usually believe ONE of these things happened, just not all of them somehow.

[clonerightsagenda]

I think this is just a trend everywhere but I've been very frustrated this week by how much admin work is being outsourced to me as the patient/customer.

My orthodontist tells me I can make an appointment with the surgeon. I call the surgeon. They tell me I need a new referral. I call the orthodontist. They do a referral. I call the surgeon. Referral didn't come through. They tell me about their special unique system we have to use. I call the ortho again and walk them through the referral. I call the surgeon. They say the referral was missing some details so they have to do it again. I call the ortho.

The insurance company calls me about repair shops. I give them the name of the repair shop which I already gave them yesterday. They say they're not in their system but I can use them, but I have to call the repair shop to ask them to contact the insurance company. I call the repair shop and they say the insurance company is supposed to email them.

I feel like at a certain point these constant fetch quests become unreasonable?? Is it too much to expect these groups to communicate with each other instead of making me run back and forth between them???

[clonerightsagenda]

Made this post and then the new property manager (who started on Monday and only finally emailed us today because I sent a vaguely professionally hostile email to her boss because I hadn't heard anything and was not convinced she existed) asked for a list of open action items which her predecessor should have had but apparently wasn't keeping track of, which I learned when I met her boss and provided her with the list of open action items, which I guess tragically died in a fire in the last 2 weeks since she was sitting at my kitchen table, being menaced by the skull. How many people's jobs am I doing now

[hlahlahlahlahly]

Executive Function Theft

The phrase arrived in my head so completely formed and concrete that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t already established in the lexicon, but at

[clonerightsagenda]

It has a name!!!

[everloste]

still ruminating on how much i hate video tutorials. im a big "ctrl + f" fan. i usually know abt 80% of what im doing and am searching for that other 20%. i am not going to sit through an entire 45 minute youtube video with midroll ads just to find that info. i am going to open the shitty autogenerated transcript and search phrases there, and if i dont find what im looking for, im downvoting your shit and leaving. ive had to do this a LOT and i have no patience left. WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN. USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN TO CONCEIVE OF WORDS IN A SPECIFIC, COPACETIC ORDER THAT BEST CONVEYS THE INFORMATION YOU WANT TO PASS ON TO ME OR DIE... or is that not fucking profitable enough.

[sabertoothwalrus]

I hate the videoification of everything. If I have to hear one more video of someone speaking closely into their shitty mic and I have to have all their yucky wet mouth noises and plosives and nose whistles and throat clearings and sniffles I am going to dig a vertical hole the exact dimensions of my body and I’m going to slither in head first

[sabertoothwalrus]

as someone with misophonia, the widespread popularization of asmr audio editing + people that are being pushed to make video content with no formal training and have no idea how to edit their audio (ex college professors, average joe tiktokers, etc) is literally my nightmare scenario. this is hell I am in hell

[sabertoothwalrus]

this is actually the last straw for me I need to start sending people emails

[dragongirlsweetie]

i just figured out how to save the world. all we have to do is find and excise the undesireables. i mean just look at how much good all the examples of it in the past have done *opens history book* oops not that one *flips page* oops not that one *flips page* oops not that one *flips page* oops not that one *fli

[creekfiend]

i was talking to ship about this yesterday but I have realized that like... like, re: being an ant that smells like termites to the other ants, the kind of relational trauma I have from being autistic etc means that whenever I am actually received by other people in the way I am intending to come across, it's almost shocking to me. having people take me in good faith and like, see and recognize and appreciate the qualities that I am working really hard to prioritize and value and reflect in my behavior and stuff, is shocking to me. I am not used to it. I've spent my whole life having people react TERRIBLY to everything and take everything in the worst possible faith and punish me for things I wasn't trying to do, constantly, so fucking much, that as an adult just like... showing up somewhere and having people be like :) Oh yay it's Pip we like Pip and we are glad Pip is here and interacting with us! :) is like. insane. for me. to experience. like I am used to experiencing it with trusted close friends and loved ones, but from people I don't know super well? from STRANGERS? almost never.

anyway I did cry while we drove home from the wedding just because no one was like... mad at me. at my friend's wedding. which is deranged, because why would anyone be mad at you for being at your friend's wedding when they invited you to attend their wedding. like lol what. anyway

slaps roof of trauma. this bad boy,

[wifegideonnav]

“bits to use in everyday conversations”