Moving Out From an Abusive Parent: A Crash Course For Minors
**The legal information provided in this only applies to minors living in the United States. I am not a legal professional, and any legal information should be researched independently by the reader.**
**Each state has their own laws about when a minor can move out of their parentâs. Research these laws. Iâm not promoting minors breaking the law.**
Moving out is a lot more expensive then it seems. Even if you have a place to stay (a friend, shelter, relative), there will be bumps in the road that will take a good chunk of your savings. Luckily, I had managed to save a few hundred dollars before I myself moved out
Try to get a job to save money before leaving
Try and plan this about 6-12 months before leaving, so if you change jobs they will be able to give you a good recommendation
If you canât get a job, you can make money online.Â
Sadly, I have no real marketable skills, but if youâre good at drawing, writing, editing, translating, programming, tutoring, or web design, this might be the gig for you.
Websites like Fiverr or Chegg are good websites to make money online.
If you want to keep your job secret, you can make a PayPal account. They can be set up with a Visa gift card if you donât have a bank account.Â
Avoid putting any of your money in your parentâs name. Your parents may drain any joint accounts or limit your access to them.
Note- Online jobs do not withhold income tax, so reserve some to pay income tax, as even work online must be taxed. However, PayPal only reports accounts that receive either $20,000 or 200 or more payments a year to the IRS (Hint hint, wink wink).
Legally, your parents are allowed to take your check from your work. However, they cannot cash it without you signing it over to them. The only way they can do this is by illegally forging your signature. To prevent your parents from taking your check, you may want to change where you work. If you want to avoid needing a work permit, try starting a job over the summer, as they are usually not required.Â
I highly suggest buying a Visa gift card if you donât have a bank account (or have lost access to it). I use the Visa Vanilla gift card. It can hold up to $500 dollars, can be used to direct deposit work checks, and can make electronic payments like a debit card. I used mine to order my birth certificate and send AP scores to my college.
The worst mistake I made when I moved out was not getting my birth certificate or social security card before leaving.Â
Try and get a hold of your birth certificate and social security card before leaving. It will make life 100% easier. However, like in my situation, this isnât always possible.
Birth certificates can be ordered online, in person, or by mail. Your stateâs Department of Health and Human Services website will have information on this. They usually cost about $50-$60 to order.
Social Security cards canât be ordered until youâre 18. However, you should at least know your social security number. If you work, it will be on your W2s. Your school will also have your social security number on file.
Get a State ID as soon as possible. These require your birth certificate and social security card (or W2 if youâve filed taxes), so itâs best to try and get one before leaving.Â
If youâre still in school, talk to your counselor about your situation as soon as you move out. Unless you tell them abuse is occurring, they will not contact CPS. Research your stateâs laws on runaway minors beforehand, as your counselor may lie and tell you that you have to go home (like mine did, even though minors that are 17 do not have to return home in Michigan).Â
Counselors are required to provide homeless students with resources under the McKinney-Vento law. You counselor will ask about your living arrangement and file a McKinney-Vento form. Ask for copies of this form, and try to get it as soon as possible. You do not have to answer all of the counselorâs questions (I told my counselor I was staying at a friendâs, but did not provide an address or phone number. My counselor also refrained from including my motherâs phone number or address per my request, as I was concerned about the district contacting her).
After filing this form, your counselor will connect you with a McKinney-Vento School District Liaison. Itâs this personâs job to help homeless students find shelter, get transportation to and from school, and give you resources for food, clothes, and health care. If you have any health issues, this is vital.Â
Since Iâve moved out, Iâve been couch surfing from place to place. Luckily, Iâd already planned on it being this way, and have family and friends glad to help me
Try and have a plan of where youâre going even before you start getting ready to leave
Personally Iâd avoid shelters, as youth shelters (at least in my area) are usually focused on repairing the relationship between parent and child. Also, you can only stay for a limited amount of time before your parents can force the shelter to return you to their custody
Emancipation is an option, however it is tedious and extremely difficult to accomplish when living in an abusive household
Research the laws about harboring a minor in your state. If you plan on staying with family and friends, your parents might call the police on them for harboring a minor (you). Luckily, laws against harboring a minor only include minors under 17 in Michigan.Â
Being homeless can be a royal pain when it comes to going to college. Trust me, Iâm doing it right now. However, most students arenât aware how far they can go without their parentsâ help.Â
As most high schoolers know, the FAFSA is horrible. it becomes even more difficult when youâre homeless.Â
Do not file as a dependent on the FAFSA. This means youâll be dependent on your parent(s) to provide their tax information, and gives them the perfect opportunity to hold it over your head.
Minors that are considered runaways or homeless can file as an independent on the FAFSA. This means that the FAFSA only uses your own tax information, not your parentsâ. When filling out the FAFSA, select âunaccompanied homeless youthâ in the dependency section.Â
Most colleges want verification that students are homeless. Remember that McKinney-Vento form? That form provides verification to colleges that youâre no longer living at home. Try to get this document before filing, to avoid any hiccups.Â
Many colleges provide aid for homeless students. Most programs for foster youth apply to homeless students as well. Call your financial aid office to find out what services they offer.
Once youâre 18, you can apply for welfare of your own as long as youâre not living with your parents. However, your parents may still be claiming you, which can prevent you from receiving welfare.Â
Welfare recipients must declare any household changes (including you moving out) to their social worker. In Michigan, this must be reported within 10 days.
Not reporting household changes is considered welfare fraud and can lead to suspension of welfare or prosecution.
Recipients must report their household size and earnings several times a year.Â
If you are working, your parent(s) must provide a copy of your most recent pay stubs and a bank statement. Do not provide them with any pay stubs or documentation of your income. Â
If you believe your parent(s) are still claiming welfare for you, you can report this on your stateâs Department of Health and Human Services website. As long as you are being claimed by someone else, you can not apply for welfare of your own.Â
Filing your taxes as an independent can also prevent your parents from claiming you for welfare (and makes things easier for you).
If your parent(s) receive child support, you may want to tell the parent paying that you are no longer living at home. They can go to court to end payments.
Successfully becoming independent from an abusive parent is difficult, even more so when youâre scraping for every penny. However, independent means being responsible for your own communication (between work, school, and whatever else youâre doing, youâl need it). Â
Do not rely on your parents to pay your phone bill. Even if they offer. Even if you are paying them for it. Get it turned off (my mother turned mine off as soon as she realized Iâd blocked her, as sheâd only kept it on as a way to force contact with me). You will regret it, trust me.Â
If your phone gets turned off, you might be tempted to buy a cheap minute phone. Donât, itâs a waste of money, and youâll hate having to use those annoying little buttons
Internet will take you a long way. I generally use Facebook messenger to talk to friends and relatives. However, apps like Textfree will allow you to get a free phone number. It comes with 60 free minutes of calling and unlimited texts. Minutes can be bought or earned for free by watching videos.Â
If you have a smartphone, try a piggyback carrier. Piggyback carriers are phone carriers that use the cell towers of more popular cell phone companies for a much lower price. Ting and Republic wireless seem to have the best reviewsÂ
If you donât have a phone, see if your friends or relatives have a spare.
To use a different carrier than the one your phone was bought from, you will need to get it unlocked. Look at the website of the phone carrier your phone was bought from to find out how to unlock it. Do not pay to get your phone unlocked. Most websites claiming to do this are scams.Â
Make sure to check that your phone is compatible with the carrier before switching.Â
To change carriers, you will need to buy a new sim card (It must be the Sim card specified by the carrier, do not just buy one). They can usually be bought online and are very affordable (Tingâs sim cards are $1.99).Â
Piggyback carriers will provide information on how to change your carrier on their website. Please do extensive research to ensure youâre not being scammed.Â
Take advantage of your areaâs bus system. Taking the bus for the first time can be scary. Itâs complicated, especially when you have to take multiple buses and end up at some bus stop youâve never been before. However, itâs often the cheapest option.Â
Find out about bus passes. Since I only use the bus a few times a month, I just pay as I go. However, if you find yourself taking the bus multiple times a week, you might want to consider this.
If you are in contact with a McKinney-Vento School District Liaison, you may be able to get a free bus pass.Â
Do not rely on others for transportation. At the end of the day, most people are unreliable. Make sure you have a back up plan to get yourself around without othersâ help
Doing the Dirty- the Move
DO NOT TELL YOUR PARENT(S)!! Even if they have told you to move out. Even if you have seemed fine with the idea in the past. Once it happens, they will try to stop you.
Try to move out when theyâre not home. This will prevent conflict and keep you safe.
Do not let them be able to find you. Only let people you trust know your whereabouts. Make sure you are not being followed. Avoid sharing the names of the people you are staying with and their location. School counselors can be flaky. Do not trust them with your location.
Do not be intimidated by threats to call the police, go to court, or call CPS.
Contacting the police is likely the first thing your parent(s) will do. However, if several days have gone by without police interference, they have likely told your parent(s) that they will not take action (my mother called the police when I left, but they would not do anything since I was 17).Â
If the police will not do anything, itâs unlikely that a judge will tell you to go home. However, itâs likely this is an empty threat, as testifying in court would lead to their abusive behavior being uncovered. This applies with CPS as well, especially if other children are involved.
Do not assume you will be able to get anything at a later date. My mother still refuses to give me anything I left at her house. Take the important and sentimental things, not objects that can be easily replaced.Â
If you have to go to your parentsâ for some reason, do not go alone. Bring at least one friend and have them sit on the porch. Call them on your phone and mute the speaker so they can contact the police if needed.Â
Mental Health and Self Care
Moving out can take a toll on you, emotionally and physically. I know it did for me, at least.Â
Expect to crash. Living in an abusive household puts you into survival mode. Once you begin to feel safe and come down from the abusive environment, youâll probably become emotionally drained.
No, your memories arenât fake. After leaving my abusive mother, I found myself constantly questioning my recollections about the abuse which caused me to leave. This is just part of the process of realizing the severity of the abuse.Â
Donât expect to adapt right away. Â Most abused kids are experienced with adapting to difficult situations. However, you shouldnât expect for that to happen once you leave. Going from a high tension, abusive environment to a safer one is not an easy transition. Talk about culture shock, man.Â
Anxiety/Depression/CPTSD/PTSD/Dissociation etc. symptoms may (ok, WILL) worsen. Like a soldier coming back from war, many symptoms will resurface or intensify once you are out of the dangerous situation.
Force yourself to function
Make sure you eat at least three meals a day. Even if they are at irregular times and spaced far apart, you need to keep eating. I found this extremely difficult, as my mother starving me mixed with stress had destroyed my appetite.Â
Buy food that lasts. Staple foods are cheap and easy to make. When living with my mom, I was able to fill myself up with fried rice (with egg), vegetables, and tortillas, all easy to make and nutritious enough to eat for several days at a time
Stay hydrated. If you canât make yourself drink water, juice, pop, or coffee is fine.
Shower. If youâre not bathing, you will smell like crap. And probably look like it too. A clean face and good smelling hair will do wonders.
Interact with others. Donât cut yourself off from your family and friends. You need a support network. However, donât listen to anyone trying to get you to talk you into going back. You left for a reason. Donât forget that reason.Â
Avoid destructive coping mechanisms
Recreational drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol will make you feel better in the short term, but weâre playing the long game here (Iâm not being patronizing, I have experience)
Chain smoking cigarettes can make you nauseous and sick. If you go to the doctors or dentist, they will be able to tell and may alert your parents. If you need to cover this up, quitting cold turkey for a few days and brushing your teeth thoroughly (for about five minutes, three times a day) may cover it up (if itâs a recent habit, not an ongoing one, as nicotine causes your gums to recede).Â
Smoking weed isnât the end of the world. However, donât get into the habit of it.Â
Smoking can intensify PTSD/CPTSD symptoms. For example, Iâve noticed I dissociate a lot worse after smoking or a few days after while THC is still in my system.
Be careful. If you get involved in drug related crime (possession, being in a car with people smoking, etc.) you might end up being forced to return to your parent(s) if you are put on probation- juvenile court wants minors in stable households, and despite your claims of abuse (which may be discredited), they may think the best place for you is with them.Â
If youâre going to do drugs, smoke weed. Acid can cause permanent brain damage, and other drugs can be lethal. No oneâs ever overdosed on weed. However, it can be just as addicting as any other drug, so be careful.
If youâre going to drink, be safe. Common sense is key. However, try and limit drinking to social events only. Donât get into the habit of drinking daily or alone, as this can lead to alcoholism.
Self harm is horrible. Donât do it, itâs painful and leave scars and is incredibly difficult to quit. Once you start, youâll never be the same, and cravings may come and go but can last for years after quitting.Â
Stay on track in school. Failing grades, skipping classes, or suspensions may cause you to be placed back into your home. While I hate to say it, getting into trouble will reduce your credibility to CPS, court, and police. Â
Keep your head down. The best way to stay out of your parentâs is to not stand out. Avoid as much interaction with the police, your schoolâs disciplinary office, or court as possible. Having your name pop up multiple times may raise red flags.
If you have younger siblings, you may want to consider calling CPS once you are moved out
CPS often takes what kids say at face value. My mother always trained us what to say, However, I am now able to make any claim against her without fear of punishment
You may find proof to back you up in text messages, pictures, or confirmation from others. I found several conversations between my mother and I that would back up my claims.Â
If youâve even had CPS called on you before, you might already know, but CPS workers are usually useless. They will believe whatever a child says (regardless of if itâs a lie), as long as it agrees with whatever the parent is saying and wonât dig any deeper.Â
If you want action to be taken, you will need a lot of proof, witnesses, and people wiling to back you up.Â
Moving out of an abusive parentâs home can be stressful, disorientating, and terrifying. However, you never realize how bad a situation is until you escape it. If youâre reading this, I hope that this helps at least a little with whatever youâre going through. If you have any questions, want advice or just to vent, feel free to contact me. The system is built against victims of abuse, and having support can really help out.Â
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