Violet

Creative outlet for a mid-twenties woman looking to relive her youth.She/Her - ♈️.♈️.♍️   🌈 🔮 🌲   

[eversoviolet]

Therapy starts next week. The last few weeks haven't been easy, but they haven't been hard either. My mood dipped a little after a weekend bbq two weekends ago, after some margaritas and socializing.

It was at this point that I'd had enough of being the sad drunk, the one that always cries. I want to be fun, but right now I can't be, not until I've worked through the traumas that have been plaguing me for a few years now.

I've had one glass of wine and a shot of sourz since, both for special occasions; a living birthday for my cousin and a commemorative birthday toast to my auntie. I didn't particularly enjoy either, to be honest.

I never really thought I was dependant on alcohol, I'm just one of those people that enjoy it, and I stand by that, however, I definitely acknowledge that I needed to cut down; it was how I "coped" it made me feel happy in the depression void when I felt nothing else.

But I'm not in that void anymore, and I've found that I've been moving away from it. I was proud of myself when I didn't finish off the bottle last night after my one glass the evening before. I poured it away.

I've asked my husband to keep the positive encouragement up throughout this process, my personality type needs regular encouragement over negativity.

I'm proud that; I've worked out consistently for three weeks, Facebook is truly a thing of the past and my new hobbies are flourishing (scrapbooking, gaming, and re-reading Twilight) I didn't drink over the weekend, I've started eating three healthy meals a day and my water intake has gone up from net zero to 2l per day, I paid the counselor and I haven't overspent.

Could this be the beginning? I'm 27 and have just seen a video about 27 being a pivotal moment in your life with regards to "how you got to where you are." Clearly, all of the previous decisions in my early 20's are not something I want to continue into my 30's; getting fit, healthy, and happy is apparently all I want.

[eversoviolet]

Blossoming is the word I'd use to describe my frame of mind at the moment. The level of productivity I've been having at home has given my husband cause for concern, he's been questioning if I've been replaced by something else. The fact is, I removed Facebook from my phone, along with Instagram.

The accounts are still active, just removed the apps. Don't get me wrong, I never post anything, I just scroll, endlessly scrolling whenever an inch of underestimation occurs, increasing my procrastination and overall unwillingness to move from the sofa.

Twitter was deleted at the start of the year after Sarah Everard was murdered. Not only did her murder deeply upset me as a survivor, but It was like I could feel the collective grief of all the women speaking out and standing up. I couldn't cope with the influx of emotions, the empathic sensitivity had skyrocketed. Because of this my husband forced my hand and told me "it has to go."

Now I've kept TikTok, my algorithm is set to light-hearted and funny content. I also don't watch the news, and deleting TikTok would be the end to my connection with the outside world. 

Since removing the apps, I've spent my time doing creative things.

Things I haven't done in a long time because I wanted to come home, sit on the sofa, and scroll, getting annoyed if I was moved from my spot to do anything.

I do have to be careful with how much I take on because my ADHD will help me start a variety of things, and then never finish them. I'm also prone to do things for a week or two and then give up. But I think I've broken the cycle? (check back in two weeks to find out)

I've broken my activities into weekday and weekend activities; Weekdays; Morning; Gym, Drive to work (Audible is a bestie right now) Evening; Gaming, Reading, Scrapbooking, Walk Weekend; Bathroom Update, Swim Chores; Washing, Tidying, Food shopping Evening; Gaming, Reading, Scrapbooking

If I can stick to a solid routine for two months, It should become a habit and finally have a grip on my inability to do anything. I'm basically going to start a sticker chart, when I successfully complete chores or going to the gym, I'm going to treat myself. (instead of treating myself for just existing)

I've booked a counsellor, my sessions start in September. I want to invest in my mind and being able to let go and move on from the ghosts haunting me.

The diet is changing too, these changes have been happening over the course of a few months and aren’t THAT new, but are probably having a positive impact, our house no longer eats fish, beef, pork, or processed meat (unless it is a very special occasion) Trying to only eat vegetarian or vegan throughout the day, and will only eat meat at dinner times.

I'm trying to only drink once a week, alcohol has been a big part of "coping" and I enjoy making cocktails, I enjoy drinking them. But drinking a bottle of whiskey to myself in the space of a week, is not it. (this happened a few months ago)

Once this routine is down, I can start to add things slowly.

I've been pretty much ignoring my friends and any social interactions because I just don't want to interact with anyone. I've found that I maybe don't need to share every inch of my day and ramble about nothing that matters.

I care about my friends, but I think I've cared a little too much about them and not enough about me for a long time.

I have needed a break from everything, and FEEL BETTER FOR IT!

Watch this space. I have a BBQ this weekend. Tequila will be involved.

[eversoviolet]

Define Chaos. Everybody has a different level of what they consider to be chaos. We are taught that mess is chaotic.

Implying that if you do not have control over everything, you are a mess; the house isn't perfectly organized, you're a messy person, unable to control how tidy you live your life. 

If you struggle to control your emotions, you are considered a mess of a person, unable to control every inch of your emotional wellbeing.

I've been called a mess plenty of times in my life because I struggle with my emotions, my triggers.

I'm expected as a woman to be silent, soft, and in control at all times.  Men are normally very surprised when I'm not that. When I stand up and don't take bullshit. When I,  a woman explode. I'm the one in the wrong. I didn't just take it. I didn't let it go over my head.

If I were a sim, I would have the emotion bomb trait. Which after trauma, is a completely normal emotional reaction. 

I've spent two days riddled with anxiety that I argued and caused a scene at an event. I had men jumping to the aid of a guy that was calling me "crazy" - I love that it's their first reaction, is that I'm not sane to be calling someone out?

I had a guy talking through me, ignoring my existence, only talking to my husband or the other men around me and ignoring my presence, ignoring any question I asked him, he looked through me. Only seeing the man I married.

It made me feel small, it made me feel angry, I didn't feel like I had an ounce of respect.

Me being the triggered mess I am,  I called him out, I asked why he was ignoring me. After not getting a response, I called him a sexist pig. He didn't like that. He didn't like that one bit. I moved my husband to one side and fought for myself, by myself.  

He got all butt hurt because I called him out, all butt hurt that I'd called him a name.  It's men like him that make me wonder how many other women he has ignored in his lifetime. When else he has had selective hearing.

But I see myself through my husband, he looked ashamed, he didn't have my back, he was just telling me of all the things I said that caused him embarrassment, in turn, bringing me shame and guilt for standing up and making my voice heard.

Is my life feeling chaotic because I have others telling me what control is? Telling me that I am chaotic because I don't fit into their box of order?

Or maybe I am feeling a bit chaotic because I am realizing the world is a big ole mess. A big ball of swirling chaos. 

Humans think we have control. We force others to fit into our box. When all we ever had is a box full of chaos.

[eversoviolet]

Last year I was invited to a school reunion. 10 years since leaving my secondary school. The reunion was delayed because of COVID, but now the new date is rolling around rather quickly.

It's tomorrow.

I've spent the last week looking for something to wear, my husband finally settled on some jeans, a t-shirt and an over-shirt with some Chelsea boots. Effortless.

I've been searching the internet for something that screams "I beat you" and "bully me now arsehole" (Because wearing Prada means that bullying is no longer on the table for these people?)

Is it natural to want to one-up people that used to make your life a misery? To judge their life and feel accomplished?

My motto in life for several years has been; I don't judge. I'm chill.  

And yet here I am, waiting to judge everyone?

School life for myself and my husband wasn't pleasant, I spent years in a girl group that was renowned for making others feel uncomfortable, I got caught up in it a couple of times, normally just there, never really doing but never standing up either.

They soon phased me out, along with another girl and we found our way to a group of lads that we were comfortable with. There wasn't much drama. My best friend had all the boys falling head over heels for her, and I settled into an ED.

Eventually, the girl that I thought was my friend started to phase me out after hanging around with a bad vibe, but this time I had a group that loved me for me and stood up for those that were being wronged.

They stuck by me.

I ended my school career with a boyfriend and a group of friends that stuck by each other.

I married said boyfriend and still talk to the group of lads regularly.

I'll attend and be surrounded by the same amazing people ten years on.

Why is the judgment of the rest of the year giving me anxiety?

We have all battled. We've all won different wars, some of us have lost others. We have all been through life, we're all in the same boat. We're all going to die in the end, so what does it matter who is doing better in their career, or who has more money, who has three kids.

Shouldn't it all simmer down to happiness?

All I can do now is show them that happiness can grow and become powerful, if snide comments are made it'll be because of the owner's toxicity and struggles.

I will feel proud of those that deserve it. I will be the person I have grown to be. "A wise old witch that has seen too much for a 27-year-old" (my friend's words, not mine)

I will remember to be the warrior shark that found herself in the city by the sea.  

[eversoviolet]

I don't know if anyone else has been feeling a bit odd recently? There have been days where I do not feel like anything is real, I've suffered from derealisation/depersonalisation quite a lot recently. Is it the weather? Is it from lack of exercise? Lack of endorphins?

It started this morning after going to have my blood taken, the nurse joked about the number of blood tests I've had recently and I remember thinking "this is my life now, endless tests and no answers"

The drive to work was fine, depersonalisation/realisation kicked in about 15 minutes into the drive, It was like time and movement wasn't happening like I had all the time in the world to move my speeding car between the lanes, my mind felt like it was traveling at lightspeed compared to everything around me, everything was in slow motion (even though I was 100% going 70 miles per hour) I was able to look at the sky, the trees, the cars on the other side of the motorway, all while still being very much in control of the car and my journey.

Being of the witchy variety, I'm pretty sure this place is not what we think it is.

After a quick google search, depersonalisation and derealisation can be triggered by traumatic events. Maybe I haven't yet really come to terms with my miscarriage and the trauma of it all. Maybe my mind is going into protective mode early while I wait for a doctor to tell me if my ovaries work? Is my post-traumatic mind getting ahead of itself?

After the miscarriage, I didn't switch off, I didn't want to end up like the zombie of 2018/2019/2020.

But did I come to terms with what had happened?

I'm terrified that I can't have children because of my actions; who at the age of 14/15 with an eating disorder worries about if they can have kids? I didn't even know at that age losing that much weight would hurt my future. I just wanted to be skinny and liked. 

It's been a running family joke my entire life that I'd use a surrogate, that I'd raise someone else's kids.

Did I know? It wouldn't be the first time I've "just known"

Moral of the story. I've got some unpacking to do.

[eversoviolet]

The Start. 

One of the reasons I started my witchy journey was following some traumatic and turbulent events. I’m going to share the moment I knew I was going down this witchy road and the story as to how I got here. We all start our journeys for different reasons, but here’s mine. TW: Sexual assault  

I became a member of the 97% club a few months into 2018 and was in survival mode until late 2019. I wore a mask for a long time, hiding, protecting my inner self, letting survival mode Hilda take the reins. - *P.s Hilda is a bitch and we don’t like her.  

But the cracks started to show, it was getting harder for me to put on a facade, I didn't want to wear a battle mask anymore, I wanted to be free, I wanted to be safe. But when you spend every working day with your club initiator in a close "tight-knit" team, gaining freedom wasn't that simple.    

I was apprehensive to cast a spell at first, I was still unsure on whether spells were something I believed in. I knew, that if I wanted him out of my life, I would have to do more than report him.  

I'd spoken to the police, about a year after the initiation, I went through the pain of trying to explain to them how I'd become a member of the club, the movements that were made, the argument that occurred before, the ignored, trembling no that left my frozen body.  

I had nothing to lose. I wanted him banished from my life, to be gone and never seen again.  

I found a spell I liked online, I chose a day, I chose another undecided witch, we cast, we drank, we burned, we buried, we waited. The spell wasn't fancy, we didn't have the exact anything, we used what we had.  

I was unsure if it had worked, I felt different, I walked about in bright designer shoes and strutted around like I owned the office, he started working from home more, but there was still the odd occasion where we would bump into each other, unable to look at one another before manoeuvring out of each other's presence.  

But about a month went by and I received a card on my desk. It took me a minute to realize that it was a leaving card for the club initiator. The friend that put the card on my desk knew everything, I will never forget the smile friendo gave me from across the room when I caught his eye.  

The other witch still has the voice message of me overjoyed that the spell had worked, I would never have to see him again.  

I made my peace. I haven’t seen him since. I was told yesterday my club initiator had moved countries. I wasn't aware of the massive weight that was hanging over my shoulders until it was lifted. 

I am grateful that I will not ever see him again, a lot of club members don’t get that. 

To those club members, you are so strong, you are powerful and remember that its okay to ask for help.

I’ve called myself a witch from the moment I read that card. 

Moral of the story; Take back your power. Believe in yourself. Spells don't need to be fancy, but they do need you and intent. -V