the fundamental ambiguity of being human

abby | 29 | sometimes running, sometimes bouldering, always forgetting to stretch | microbiologist, environmentalist, vegan | drinking lots of coffee, collecting plants & quotes & tattoos & experiences, studying microbes that can save the planet, moving mountains, and recovering, for real this time

[desultory-suggestions]

It turns out that you can become the person you’ve always envisioned but you’ll still have the person you were before inside of you and you have to treat them with as much forgiveness and love as possible

[hauntedearth]

[louisegluck]

Sylvia Plath, from “Poem for a Birthday: Witch Burning.” [ID in alt text]

[number-1-soup-fan]

[lifeinpoetry]

“[after a half-hearted suicide attempt at age 13] When Daddy comes in, he carries you to bed. Is there anything you feel like you could eat, Pokey? Anything at all? All you can imagine putting in your mouth is a cold plum, one with really tight skin on the outside but gum-shocking sweetness inside. And he and your mother discuss where he might find some this late in the season. Mother says hell I don’t know. Further north, I’d guess. The next morning, you wake up in your bed and sit up. Mother says, Pete, I think she’s up. He hollers in, You ready for breakfast, Pokey. Then he comes in grinning, still in his work clothes from the night before. He’s holding a farm bushel. The plums he empties onto the bed river toward you through folds in the quilt. If you stacked them up, they’d fill the deepest bin at the Piggly Wiggly. Damned if I didn’t get the urge to drive to Arkansas last night, he says. Your mother stands behind him saying he’s pure USDA crazy. Fort Smith, Arkansas. Found a roadside stand out there with a feller selling plums. And I says, Buddy, I got a little girl sick back in Texas. She’s got a hanker for plums and ain’t nothing else gonna do. It’s when you sink your teeth into the plum that you make a promise. The skin is still warm from riding in the sun in Daddy’s truck, and the nectar runs down your chin. And you snap out of it. Or are snapped out of it. Never again will you lay a hand against yourself, not so long as there are plums to eat and somebody-anybody-who gives enough of a damn to haul them to you. So long as you bear the least nibblet of love for any other creature in this dark world, though in love portions are never stingy. There are no smidgens or pinches, only rolling abundance. That’s how you acquire the resolution for survival that the coming years are about to demand. You don’t earn it. It’s given.”

— Mary Karr, from Cherry

[everything-changes-once-again]

thinking about the plums story again. some fifteen year old version of me is always thinking about the plums story.

[everything-changes-once-again]

*googles* how to communicate to my nervous system that I’m reading constrictive feedback on my writing, not being hunted for sport

[forbearing]

thank you anais nin

[catchymemes]

[disgruntled-foreign-patriarch]

it’s almost as if Tolkien knew what he was talking about

[thepieking]

It’s almost as if Tolkien personally witnessed one of the bloodiest wars in human history and then used that to fuel his writing.

[drtrinitysantos]

"if being hard on yourself was going to work it would have worked by now" okay well being soft on myself isn't working either so what the fuck is left. medium? I gotta be medium with myself? I gotta ask the fucking ghosts for help? is that it?

[mentalhealthmemesofficial]

[beardedmrbean]

[alphashley14]

Inside every writer there is a Tolkien and a C.S.Lewis.

The Tolkien demands everything be explained, that every decision has a purpose, that everything makes sense, that all plot holes are filled, etc.

The C.S. Lewis says, “Fuck you, I do what I want.”

[graffitinight]

When you try to talk about enshittification, it sounds like conspiracy theories. (I'm not crazy)

Amazon made their service worse, to force people to pay for Prime.

Nowadays, if you order from Amazon, there is a week long delay before your package is shipped. (on purpose)

I remember when orders would ship out the same day. (I remember - it was real)

YouTube didn't used to have ads. Now, ads play in the middle of videos. (it's worse than TV ever was)

The best can opener I have owned is over 40 years old. Modern ones just don't hold up as well. (The ones I bought new broke ages ago)

The bread machine my mom got for her wedding lasted 30 years. It's been replaced twice in the last 5 years. (How can you fuck this up?)

The cardboard tubes in the middle of toilet paper rolls have gotten larger. (This too?) Companies increasing the price of the product while selling you less. (REALLY?)

It sounds crazy. (it's the truth) When you talk about it, YOU sound crazy. (it's true)

Even when people believe you (do they really), all they can say is "it sucks". (it's too big) Because the problem is so big, so pervasive, what can we even DO about it???

To get the necessary laws written and passed, we need politicians, to get the politicians elected we need information campaigns, to fund campaigns we need money, and all the money is being hoarded by the people profiting from enshittification. (it sounds so fake)

So I talk about enshittification (it sounds crazy), so people don't forget that things have been made worse on purpose (it's true), even though I sound crazy. (maybe I am)

[steamandcream]

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

[steamandcream]

sorry to put your tags on blast on this insane breach containment post I have since muted, but you're right and you should say it.

It is defeatable. Go for the throat.

[akaiiros]

this actually is rewiring my brain as we speak

[everything-changes-once-again]

the worst part of coming out of a mental health spiral isn’t the desperate dirt-under-your-nails clawing that it takes to resurface, or the crippling embarrassment of confronting the fact that you’ve essentially been throwing an adult temper tantrum for days or weeks or months. it’s the fact that nine times out of ten you still have to stare down the fucking problem that put you over the edge in the first place because, believe it or not, crashing out does not in fact solve much of anything.

[kosmogrl]

they should invent a january that doesn’t make you go through every emotion known to mankind every day