things will get better 💗

he/she, 23, main: pinnipetal

[guooey]

[alteredpanel]

[chimerid]

things I didn't realize were signs of covert DID

a lot of "signs of plurality" lists focus heavily on introjection and alter communication, two things that we have very little of. we wanted to lay out some experiences we had prior to syscovery with a focus on memory loss, identity confusion, dissociation, and unconscious masking since these are what we experience most. we hope this helps someone.

this is not an exhaustive list and identifying with it does not guarantee anything nor does not identifying with it mean you are not plural. we are one system and these are our experiences, which have heavy overlap with our other comorbid conditions. you know yourself/ves best, use your own judgement when reading.

feeling as though i was never a child even when my body was, that i was always an "old soul"

feeling as though i never stopped being a child, that my body aged without me

feeling as though it is my first day on earth and nothing has existed before the present moment

experiencing all of the above so strongly at different times that i cannot imagine feeling any other way

"i don't hear voices, i just have multiple overlapping trains of thought all reacting to and arguing with one another. probably the ADHD"

feeling upset as a kid that my imaginary friends didn't act the way i wanted, or that they didn't like me

remembering my childhood in third person, as though watching a movie of my own life

feeling as though i am having lines fed to me when talking about myself

remembering times that i was upset, but with the inciting incident cut out. being unable to understand why i felt the way i did

feeling as though the "real" me died a long time ago and i took their place

being talented at acting and lying. feeling like i have spent my whole life acting, as though "i" am a character i put on for other people

being afraid of voicing opinions because i know they might change suddenly, being upset when someone tells me a supposed opinion of mine that i no longer remember or agree with

knowing when i am supposed to have an opinion on something but not knowing what it is, having to make up my own opinions based on what i think "i" would most likely say

"what did you do today" i don't know "how do you feel" i don't know "what do you want" i don't know "did you have work yesterday" ...probably?

feeling like my body sometimes says things that my mind does not remember/agree with, or that i'm surprised to hear the things i'm saying

reflexively lying about things i didn't do because i assume i must have forgotten about it

being freaked out when someone touches my stuff without telling me, because i assume i moved it and forgot entirely. being afraid of how quick i can forget things

having excellent memory as a young child and terrible memory as an adult

"face blindness" where i can tell that people look familiar but feel like i have never met them, being unable to put faces in context

feeling like i have never actually met my own friends and loved ones

"i don't have amnesia, i can objectively tell you what happened. even when i do forget, i can usually put it together through context clues."

"it can't have been that bad, i barely remember it and don't feel upset when i think about it"

"i can't have DID, nothing bad has ever happened to me"

no name ever feels right longterm

creating alt accounts due to a desire to "pretend" to be someone else

lacking a solid sense of identity, feeling like a hollow husk of a person who occasionally experiences moments of clarity and wants to be treated as someone other than the "me" i present to the world

"i've never had a switch, i just have an inconsistent sense of identity"

"i've never had a switch, i have always felt exactly the way i do right now"

feeling like my mind is being pulled in several different directions, especially when i'm upset. being unable to act because different "parts" of me want different things

feeling jealousy when seeing other systems be open about their plurality. feeling like it's something you're not supposed to talk about

feeling guilty for being happiest when i'm "faking" plurality

feeling drawn to stories about possession, secret identities, or doppelgangers

all of the above being such routine experiences that i never even thought to question them

[yourtryhard]

[bluering8]

listen to me, this is so so important: you've gotta get used to really giving it your 60% as a default. like don't half-ass it necessarily but try not to go over 70% or so of an ass. you'll feel better and live a happier more fulfilled life, and on the rare occasions where you do need to lock the fuck in you'll be able to pull off bullshit that the sad miserable wretches giving it their 100% can never dream off, because they're busy draining themselves dry and you have energy reserves to spare.

[smokingchagga]

This is actually what I was adviced to do at the work rehabilitation program I went to. Hasn't left my mind since. 10/10 solid advice

[stuckinapril]

[petaltexturedskies]

One day you’ll have whatever it is you’re now so confusedly seeking. That kind of calm that comes from knowing oneself and others. But you can’t rush the arrival of that state of mind. There are things you only learn when no one teaches them. And that’s how it is with life. There’s even more beauty in discovering it for yourself, in spite of the suffering.

Clarice Lispector, from "Gertrudes Asks for Advice" in The Complete Stories

[whyenn-reader]

''what if you regret it'' then you will expirience regret - a normal and unavoidable part of the human expirience.

[singing-bowl]

thinking about how ursula k leguin said "what goes too long unchanged destroys itself. The forest is forever because it dies and dies and so lives" and how everyday i wake up slightly different and i can feel myself shed the skin of who i used to be slowly, slowly, until i look back and can scarcely recognise who i was... but also she is still a part of me, part of the leaf litter and the humus, supporting me as i send new roots down and new leaves stretching up to the sunlight

[succubusboyfriend]

so i’ve eliminated my phone from the “staying up all night” equation by getting an alarm clock and charging said phone in another room, but this resulted in a second, secret problem of staying up too late drawing because i still had my tablet. i don’t wanna move my tablet to another room as well because i like having a little bit of drawing time before bed so for about a week i was like….. oh i’ll just force myself off at the correct time eventually. one of these days that will happen.

but last night realized i'm never gonna just gain the willpower to curb my bad habits at random, that’s the entire reason i took the phone out of the room, so i just. set my tablet to turn completely greyscale from 12:30am to 8am to prevent me from staying up all night drawing. and guess who actually fucking went to bed the second his tablet turned grey.

[succubusboyfriend]

moral of the story and a lesson i think everyone can take from this is don’t expect yourself to just get over your bad habits through sheer force of will. it won’t fucking happen. instead make them as annoying as possible to continue. make them completely unsatisfying. sabotage your bad habits.

[petaltexturedskies]

One day you’ll have whatever it is you’re now so confusedly seeking. That kind of calm that comes from knowing oneself and others. But you can’t rush the arrival of that state of mind. There are things you only learn when no one teaches them. And that’s how it is with life. There’s even more beauty in discovering it for yourself, in spite of the suffering.

Clarice Lispector, from "Gertrudes Asks for Advice" in The Complete Stories

[achillesinhighheels]

[paulfrankjuliusthemonkey]

anyway. onto better things

[2000ghosts]

august 1, 2008

[catnippackets]

I extremely don't understand whenever someone who's mentally ill and unmedicated is like "I'm afraid to go on medication because what if I can't feel good without the meds?" YOU ALREADY DON'T FEEL GOOD WITHOUT THEM. THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF TAKING THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE

[catnippackets]

"I know I can't see properly, but I'm afraid to get glasses because what if I can't see properly without them?" <-- how those people sound to me

[kosmogrl]

you can begin again and again and again for the rest of your life

[tordenvejr]

don't glorify neglect and lack of support. surviving alone isn't an indicator of strength, it just means you're alone. don't make your life about how much you can endure or for how long you can sustain yourself with bites of yourself. you are not less for recognizing you don't want to do this on your own